


Hellbound

by SilentCry



Category: Fury (2014)
Genre: Don't Examine This Too Closely, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Ended up Writing Neither, Inspired by Music, M/M, My first fic, Oh My God, Post-Crossroads AU, Small Fandom is a Small Fandom, Wanted to Write Smut or Fluff, We All Have Our Demons
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-05
Updated: 2016-09-29
Packaged: 2018-02-28 03:16:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 14
Words: 47,257
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2716877
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/SilentCry/pseuds/SilentCry
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Post-crossroads. AU where ”the battle of the crossroads” turned out little differently. Don survived physically but is a wreck mentally. Now he needs the only person who has ever been able to comfort him.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Things We Lost in the Fire

**Author's Note:**

> So yep. You have driven me to desperate deeds. Small fandom is a small fandom so here it is. My fic for the Fury-fandom.  
> And please, don't be too hard on me. This is my very first fic written in English and actually the first one I have ever published. English isn't my first language thus there will be some difficulties with prepositions etc. I just hope it won't disturb the reading too much. So, enjoy!
> 
> P.S. Every chapter's name is a song that I listened through writing. At the end of each chapter there will be short quotation from that particular song. It's really not important from the story's point of view but I wanted to let you know what I was thinking about when writing if anyone is interested.

 Don woke up slowly not knowing where he was. It felt almost impossible to open up his eyes but he knew he wasn't alone. There was a tender touch on his right hand stroking his palm. The fingers touching him felt hard and calloused but still the effect was soothing.  
Suddenly harsh pain hit Don's body just under his left shoulder. He gasped for breath and forced his eyes open.

"Oh my fucking God", he hissed and moved his gaze to the dark-haired man next to him.

"You shall not say His name in vain", Bible said smiling and closed the Book in his lap.

"Yeah, right."

Awkward silence fell upon the room but Bible just shrugged his shoulders.

"Maybe He will forgive you. But not today, not even tomorrow. No, you're gonna live and don't need his forgiveness yet. You're gonna live", Bible repeated and sighed with relief.

Don watched the man pull his chair closer to the hospital bed not letting go of his hand even for a sec. At the same time Don realised that there was way too quiet. He couldn't be at a field hospital, never.

"Where the hell are we?" he asked confused.

"We are at a hospital somewhere in France."

"France."

"You were in too weak a condition to be moved back to the U.S. but they won't need you in Germany either. We have almost won the war," Bible told still smiling but there was that sad look on his face that always made him look like he was about to burst into tears.

”Bible – I...” Don started and reached out towards him but the other man hushed him letting go of his hand.

”Shh, Don, shh. You should try to have some sleep”, he said and bend over Don's bed to give his forehead a light kiss.

Don stiffened for the unexpected act and tried to find Bible's eyes but the man was already back sitting and leafing through the Book. For a moment Don stared at the man with disbelief. Bible, however, kept his look strictly on the Book. Deciding that it wasn't a big deal Don let himself loosen up.

”Could you read something for me? From the Book?” he asked on an impulse.

Bible raised his look surprised but didn't say a word. It wasn't like him to tease others so he just adjusted his reading glasses and begin to read.  
Don closed his eyes and listened. He didn't really listen to the words but Bible's voice instead. It was so soft and tender. He couldn't understand how could it be so gentle after all those years at war. But in the end the man had always found comfort in his faith.

The room's door opened with a squeak and Don watched as a tired looking doctor came in followed by a tiny nurse. The doctor didn't give Bible any attention so Bible just glanced at him and kept reading aloud.

”How are you doing sir?”

Don raised his brow challengingly. He didn't like it when people called him sir.

”Fine thanks. When can I get out of here?”

”But sir... You have multiple gunshot wounds. It's going to take some time to recover.”

”Don't call me sir”, Don growled.

Bible stopped reading and shook his head.

”Let the man do his job. He is just trying to help you. You can't go nowhere like that.”

”Shut up”, Don snapped at Bible who just laughed.

The doctor had been standing still but hearing Don's grunt he jumped a bit and followed his gaze. Bible grinned and buried his head in his Book while the doctor watched him with a blank look on his face. Shaking his head absent-mindledly he turned back to Don.

”We need to change those bandages and take a look at your wounds. Can I do that, si...?”

”Yeah, why not.”

Don could feel Bible's gaze on his body as he let the nurse reveal his upper torso. He couldn't blame the man. He knew how horrible his back looked. He had scars all over his skin and even his crew hadn't seen them after he had gotten them. It wasn't like he had consciously avoided showing them, things just were like that.  
Maybe out of courtesy Bible didn't say anything, not even sighed. After a short moment he started to read the Book again. And Don could appreciate that.

* * *

  
Later that evening after the doctor had left the room and Bible was sleeping in his chair Don found himself thinking about his last battle. Although he couldn't really remember a thing he was sure that something bad had happened to his crew. The only thing he could remember was some abandoned crossroad deep in the heart of Nazi Germany.  
He had asked Bible about it but the man hadn't said a word. He had just shifted his gaze away from Don and stared out of the window. After a long silence Bible had started to read the Book, again. He obviously didn't want to talk about it and Don didn't have the heart to force him.

Even trough Bible's mumbling in his sleep Don could hear soft footsteps coming to his door. Whoever was it clearly hesitated at the door for a moment. Still it didn't take long until he heard a light knock and the door opened. Don sighed in relief as he realised that it was Norman.

”Boy, it's good to see you. I wasn't sure who survived. Hell, I'm not even sure how did I survive.”

Norman smiled sadly and pulled a chair for himself on the other side of the bed. Maybe he didn't want to wake up Bible and Don could respect that. He wanted to know what had happened and it was for the best if Bible didn't need to hear it.

”We are it, Sergeant. We are the last alive members of Fury”, Norman said oddly formal.

Don gave the boy a sharp look and realised that he wasn't a boy anymore. He had grown up in only one day. Sadness overtook Don as he realised further that Norman would never be the same again. War had crushed him in just one day. That was the consequence of watching your friends die next to you, the real tragedy of war.

”Yeah, I thought that would be the case.”

There was that long silence again, too painful to be filled with words.

”So, do you know how I survived?” Don asked.

Norman stared at his own crossed hands for a moment before answering.

”You got shot. Multiple times. I think you fainted somewhere along all that blood loss. I thought you were dead and ran out of the hatch. The Krauts too thought you were dead and were in too much of a hurry to be sure. When I returned, I realised you were still breathing and... I patched you up as good as I could.”

Don nodded wondering how Bible had survived. Norman didn't obviously know and he doubted that he would get the answer from the man himself.

”Don... I'm so sorry”, Norman sighed eventually.

”For what? For the war? Kid, this is how it is. I lost some good men out there but they just did what they had to.”

Watching Norman's hardened face Don made a mental note not to call Norman a kid anymore.

”You lost friends not just some good men.”

Don didn't answer but let himself break for a passing moment. He buried his face in his hands and breathed deeply longing for a cigarette. It lasted only an instant but still Norman caught it.  
Norman softened his voice and said:  
”If you want to talk about it, I'm always there. The others won't understand it like we do.”

And Bible wouldn't want to talk about it, Don added in his mind. The man was always the first to comfort the dying ones on the battlefield but even he had his limits. These men were his crew, his friends, his family. It was too much to ask.

”I have to go now but I will come check on you later. I'm leaving tomorrow. They want me as a type-clerk. I'm not wounded so they don't afford not to use me but I'm so mentally unstable that they don't want to send me to the front either”, Norman said and laughed dryly.

Don smiled like it was a good joke but they both knew that more than anything he was right. The war was ending and they couldn't risk it.

Norman was going to pat Don's shoulder but realised in time that it was the wounded one. Awkwardly smiling he left the room looking like he had got mentally beaten.

”The boy is a wreck”, Bible said causing Don to jump slightly.

Don had no idea when the man had woken up.

”Aren't we all?” he spatted wanting to defend Norman.

”Yep, but some more than the others.”

”Says the man who relies on God who lets his people kill each others.”

Bible gave Don a cold stare but again didn't say anything. He just stared at him angrily so long that Don had no other choice than break the tension.

”Are they going to send you away?”

”Send me away? Why would anybody do that?”

”You are well and alive. They are sending Norman away, why not you?”

”Because my place is here with you”, Bible answered getting hold of Don's hand.

Don furrowed his brows. Bible really hadn't been acting like himself. It felt like instead of God the man was now relying on Don. And Don had to admit that it felt good.  
But there it was again. That sad little smile and the tears that actually never burst.

”Are you sure you are okay?” Don asked carefully.

”You should get some sleep. I'll be here when you wake up”, Bible promised looking into the distance.

Don watched as the man let his hand slip away from his and kind of froze in his seat. It seemed like Norman wasn't the only one who had been changed by the war. After all, Bible had been painfully close to Grady. But still he should be happy about those who had survived. Don immediately regretted his thoughts. Of course the man had every right to grieve his friends.  
He should too. It was just so hard. He had lived so many years trying to get them out of there alive. He had never really cared about himself, he knew that the war would claim his life. But no. The war was nearly over. He had lost Red, Coon-Ass and Gordo but he was still breathing. He was still breathing and Bible was beside him.

”I think we got the short end of the stick. Us left behind, I mean”, Don said suddenly.

Bible didn't even seem to hear.

”Don't get me wrong. I'm not going to end my life but I was ready to die... So why me? They got families, I have nothing. What's the point in this anyway?”

Don waited for a response but didn't receive one.

”I would switch places with them without a doubt. Not because it would be easier but because they had more reason to survive than me. They deserved it. What value does my life have compared to theirs?”

”The Lord has plans for all of us”, Bible responded absent-mindedly.

”Don't you dare talk that shit to me. What meaning does my life have that they had to die instead of me? What meaning does an ex-soldier have in this world? An ex-soldier who can't even keep his shit together,” Don almost shouted.

”There is no meaning in life itself. We have to make it ourselves”, Bible answered finally turning towards Don.

”Now you aren't making any sense. Lord has plans for us but still we should make our lives meaningful by ourselves. So what Bible, what's the meaning of your life? Why did you survive?” Don asked demanding for an answer.

Bible blinked twice and shrugged his shoulder.

”Good night Don.”

Don stared Bible as he walked out of the room. Being alone in the room for the first time he realised how broken he really was. He would never have shown his breakdown on the battlefield, not even to Bible. But still he was cracking down and there was no way to keep his shit together.  
He really needed that cigarette before Bible would come back.

* * *

  
Don couldn't breathe right. Everytime he tried to fill his lungs with air he felt like he was trying to inhale smoke which was slowly killing him. He had just enough oxygen to stay alive for now but not enough to keep his mind clear. Every breath he took felt sharply at his right side like there would be a dagger stabbed into him. His breathing was heavy and he couldn't loosen the invisible grip that he felt on his heart.

Even his eyes had betrayed Don. He had blurred vision and could just barely make out outlines of a person close to him. Too close. Judging by his size, a man was leaning so close to him that he would have no troubles killing Don if he wanted to. Apparently, he didn't want to. Or at least, not at the moment.  
The man was repeating something, same words all over again. Don couldn't concentrate hard enough to understand what he was saying but the voice sounded familiar, safe.

Don gasped for air desperately, again with no result. It felt like all the walls were approaching him and trying to crush him down. He was about to lose control and he knew it. Already heavy breathing was becoming even more troublesome. He didn't see a damn thing but now and then there were violent flashes behind his tightly shut eyes of men exploding into pieces.

If he could just die. Or even black out.

Suddenly the darkness around him loosened its grip enough that he could feel something. He was being held. Tightly. Like that someone holding him was worried that he might disappear into thin air.

”Shh, Don, shh. It's me. I'm here. It's not real. Whatever you are seeing, it's not real. It was simply a nightmare. Breathe. Try to breathe. Breathe for me Don, breathe.”

Bible. The man close to him was Bible.

After getting a grip on reality Don could sense everything almost inhumanly. It was almost like time had stopped. Bible's moustache were tickling his skin near his ear as the man whispered soothing words to him. He could hear his heart beating. He could sense the warmth of Bible's body against his own.  
He grasped Bible's jacket like he was afraid of drowning. And he was.

”Don. Focus. You need to breathe.”

”I can't,” Don whispered sounding so pathetic he didn't recognise his own voice.

”Yes you can. Breathe with me, I will get you started.”

Don focused on Bible's steady breathing and after a moment he could feel himself relax. It wasn't only the breathing. It was the man who had squashed himself into Don's bed so close that if it had been somebody else he wouldn't be there anymore.  
Bible let out a relieved laugh and rested his forehead against Don's.

”For a moment there I was sure you were going to suffocate.”

Don didn't quite know how to react to the man's sudden closeness. It wasn't news to him that Bible was all about comforting the others and he had had his fair share of it. Probably even more. But it was different when they were alone like this. This felt way more... Intimate.  
And on top of that he felt ashamed. He had had breakdowns before and Bible had been there but usually those had been about rage. Now this was different. He had shown Bible how messed up he really was.

”For a moment I was hoping so”, Don answered slowly.

”Don't say that Don. Just don't”, Bible said staring straight into his eyes.

Don shrugged his shoulders and carefully settled down. His shoulder ached but it was welcome. At least the pain kept his thoughts in order.

The bed was way too small for two grown up men but Bible didn't make a move to leave his side. Laying down Don had made some distance between the two of them but they were still so close to each other that for any man outside the war it would have seemed odd.

”What did you see?” Bible asked suddenly hesitating.

Don was silent still trying to process his breakdown. Bible knew better than to push him.

”I saw you dying inside that tank at the crossroads”, Don answered shifting his stare away from Bible.

Silence fell upon the room. Don raised his eyes and saw Bible staring at him brows furrowed, obviously troubled with his thoughts.

”I saw all of us dying. I don't really know how much of it was really true while I can't remember anything but hell. It was haunting enough like that. I... Forget it. It doesn't matter, it wasn't real.”

Don closed his eyes yet again ashamed. It wasn't like him to speak this way. Yeah, it was Bible but still. He was their commander. He was his commander. Even now.

”Don... It's alright if you're hurt. You don't always have to be the strong one.”

Don shook his head in disbelief.

”Trust me. It's fine to feel something. I can be the strong one this night”, Bible suggested smiling.

Don answered weakly to his smile. The man was too good to this world. The man was too good to be by his side.

”Try to have some sleep. I will be here”, Bible promised and remained sitting on his bed.

Don let his eyes fall closen realising how exhausted he really was. It felt like he hadn't slept in days.  
For a while he listened to Bible humming something and reached for the man's hand. Bible took his hand and caressed it gently. Don didn't know how long did he listen to Bible but the man never stopped humming. He would be there, Don didn't even doubt it. After all, the man had made him a promise.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”Do you understand that we will never be the same again?  
> The future's in our hands and we will never be the same again”
> 
> -Bastille


	2. Alone Together

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here is the chapter two!  
> I'm sorry that it took so long but there was lot going on with the family holidays and all. I hope there is still readers because this one has a bit more Don/Boyd moments. Hope you enjoy it!

Don had been in a hospital for a month now. They had relocated him back to the US after it was clear that war was almost won. Don didn't understand how in hell did they let Bible be by his side the entire time but he didn't complain either. It was good to have him there. And for all he knew the man might have offered his services acting as a substitute for a hospital priest. After all he did vanish from time to time.

Actually, Don was again alone. Bible had gone missing while he was sleeping and he had taken the Book with him. Don wasn't really the most religious man in the world but after laying down for a month having nothing to do, reading didn't sound too bad. If Don could decide, he would have been out of there immediately. He had almost completely recovered, only his shoulder wound was still causing him pain.

Now he was waiting for yet another doctor to come in and check him. They were all the same. Speaking about how risky it was to let him leave when the danger of infection was still so big.  
Sure Don wouldn't want to die right after surviving the war, they all pointed out.

”How are you doing tonight, sir?” the doctor asked not looking away from his papers as he walked inside.

”Great. Never been better”, Don answered automatically having repeated the same words from day to day.

The doctor gave him a sharp look but Don couldn't care any less. Judging by his cocky look the man had never seen a battlefield.

”Even though I would love to keep you here for a little bit longer, I'm afraid that we don't have enough space as the final troops are coming home. So I'm going to discharge you.”

”Finally”, Don let out a relieved sigh.

”Wait. You are not clear yet. You will have to go to see a psychiatrist.”

”You can't be serious? Why in the hell is that so?”

”Well, the US army wants to take care of its heroes. Thus you will have to go to shrink at least one time. But... I wouldn't bet my money that only one time is enough for you”, the doctor said smiling politely.

Don stared at the doctor incredulously. Had he really said that? Although Don didn't like to be called sir, he didn't take shit from others either. This man hadn't seen even a half of the world's evilness and he sure as hell didn't have any right to judge those who had lived and survived in hell.

”Do you have anyone to take care of you?”

Don stared him only for a moment before nodding slowly. Hiding his anger was the best thing to do right now if he ever wanted out. This wasn't the front line. Here he would have to control himself better.

”Good. You will need to take care of your shoulder wound especially the exit wound on your back. It has to be disinfected every day and it's going to need clean bandages. Because your back's... Previous damage, the infection risk is going to be very high”, the doctor explained leafing through his papers.

Don could almost feel the young man's eagerness to see his back as he raised his look from his papers. Most of the victims of napalm didn't make it back to the US to be examined.  
Luckily, the man had just enough modesty left in him that he realised he had probably already crossed the line with Don.

”Well, I will bring your papers later”, he said and swung the door open.

Before the door even closed Bible stepped in.  
”So, they are finally going to discharge you?” he asked casually as he found his casual spot right next to Don's bed.

”Corporal Swan, did you just eavesdrop on your commander?” Don asked raising his brow.

”For a greater cause, yes. After all, it is so much easier for me to take care of you if I actually know what I have to do”, Bible answered.

Don froze at his words. Surely the man had something better to do after the war than to play nurse with his ex-commander.

”Do you have anywhere we could go?” Bible continued like it was obvious that they would leave the hospital together, with a shared destination.

”Yes. My parents died during the war and I inherited their house. But that's not the point. Don't you have somewhere else to go? Somewhere you are needed?” Don asked shifting his gaze meaningfully to Bible's ring finger.

Bible followed his look and rolled his wedding ring absent-minded. Yet again, the man was staring into the distance with a sad look on his face.  
”They won't need me any more. They have already let me go.”

Don knew better than to ask. Maybe his family had died during his years at war or maybe his wife had found another man. The first one sounding much more believable he didn't want to rub salt in his wound.

Bible shrugged his shoulders and moved his gaze back to Don.

”Let's get your things together so that we can leave”, he said sounding a bit too perky.

It alarmed Don immediately. Bible had always been like an open book when it came to his feelings. At least to Don. Something had to be really wrong if the man tried to push his feelings away so falsely.  
Don gave him a hard stare what was something Bible normally did to Don when he wasn't pleased with him.

”I'll go get us a ride or something”, Bible said avoiding Don's eyes and left the room.

For a moment, Don sat frozen in his seat. He had forgotten how complicated life was outside the war. At least on the battlefield you had just one job. Kill or be killed. You didn't have to think about all that you had done, not until the aftermath. And Don really couldn't think about it all, not now.

Trying to breath steadily Don searched his cigarette pack and pulled one out. With trembling hands he lighted it and lifted it to his lips. After a pair of hasty draws Don could feel his body settling down again. And just in time, actually. The doctor was back with his discharge papers.

”You are ready to go. Just make sure that you will go see that shrink.”

Don nodded not trusting his voice yet. After all, he had hardly dodged the bullet.

* * *

Don stood silent reaching for his cigarettes in his breast pocket. In front of him was his old home, a house he hadn't seen in many years. Behind him was the man with whom he had been all those years away from home.  
The house had stopped being his home years before the war started. He was his home now, more or less.

Don rubbed his head trying to get his thoughts in order. He had no home nor did he want a one. He wasn't a man who could have a home, not really.

Lighting his cigarette Don compared the scenery to his memories. The neigborhood looked just like he remembered it. White fences and blooming gardens, like the war had never happened. And it hadn't, at least not in here.  
The house had grown old, and not with grace. The paint was already starting to peel off and all the flowers had been dead for a while now. Maybe it had something to do with the fact that there hadn't been residents for over a year.

”Do you wanna go inside?” Bible asked carefully not to push too much.

”Sure, no point standing out here”, Don answered casually.

Stubbing out the cigarette on the ground he lifted his bag and took a pair of hesitant steps towards the door. It opened with a creak and stale smell filled Don's nostrils. The house felt cold and damp, like a dead body.

”It sure looks nice after living in a tank with four other men”, Bible said and stepped in with no signs of hesitation.

Don was quick to follow him even though he didn't feel so comfortable.

”That's you?” Bible asked pointing an old photograph.

”Mmhm,” Don mumbled in agreement not giving him his full attention.

It was spooky how the house looked just the same but without life.

”You sure were a happy kid. Shame that you don't smile like that anymore”, Bible said examining the photograph closely.

”Have nothing worth smiling.”

”Maybe you will have.”

Don raised his eyes from the furnitures he had been checking and met Bible's steady gaze. Bible put the photograph back and took a few steps towards Don. He stretched his hand forward like trying to reach him but stopped in motion.

”I think we should light the fireplace. To get rid of the dampness”, Bible said finally and Don could feel the awkwardness between them.

”That's a pretty good idea. I think there is no electricity”, Don said and tried to switch the lights on.

”Nope. I guess dead don't need lights or warm”, he continued and Bible flinched visibly.

Don snapped his mouth shut. He sure as hell didn't want to send Bible away by letting his bitterness show.

”I will go get us something to burn”, Bible said and vanished before Don could say a word.

Despite the warm summer outside Don could feel a chilly breeze inside the house. Alone the house felt even more distressing than before. This was not the right place for him. His right place had been on top of Fury.

Don couldn't help thinking where Norman might be. If everything had gone like planned, he should also be back home already. Still Norman was one name more to his long list of men he couldn't save.  
Don could feel the guilt heavily on his shoulders. He was doomed to fail everyone around him. It would be better if he would send Bible away.

Don watched his own face trying to remember when he had last seen that smiling boy in the mirror. It had been a long time. He didn't have that messy blond hair anymore and the sparkling blue eyes had been replaced with a much darker look. His downfall had begun a long time before the war. Right around that time when he had grabbed the bottle. There was no longer that innocent boy and it wasn't all because of the war.

”Do you want to light the fire?”

”Fuck Bible. Why do you keep sneaking up on me like that? I could have shot you”, Don growled.

”Sure thing Sarge”, Bible laughed even though he could see that Don had actually pulled his gun out.

Norman had had it but he had given it back to him as soon as he got a chance. It had been like the gun had burned his fingers so quickly had he given it to Don.

”I just doubt that you would hit me. After all you haven't been practising for over a month”, Bible offered as an explanation and set the firewood for the fireplace.

”It's not something you will forget.”

”Maybe not. But it wouldn't hurt if you did”, Bible said stooding up and gently took Don's hand.

Sliding his delicate fingers over Don's palm the man let his thumb caress his wrist. Bible leaned forward so close that it should have felt inappropriate.  
Don felt his mouth dry and his heart starting to beat louder. It felt oddly peaceful and exiting at the same time to only watch Bible.

”Will you let me?” Bible whispered not breaking the eye contact.

Don wasn't sure what the man asked but he couldn't say no. Actually, he couldn't say even yes, so he just nodded quickly.  
Smiling Bible slid his hand from Don's palm to the gun's handle. Slowly he released Don's grip from it and backed away with the gun.

Don blinked surprised and feeling even a bit betrayed. What the hell was that about.

”Light that fire, will you? I will go find a safe place for this beauty”, Bible said turning his back to Don.

”No, don't. I mean... No. I can't be without it.”

”I understand. But it won't last forever. Believe me, you are better without this. You're not alone. At least not by yourself.”

Don wrinkled his forehead but didn't try to stop Bible anymore. When had he started to talk in such riddles?

Sighing Don crouched in front of the fireplace and started to make a fire. At least it was easy.  
Soon there was small flames dancing, feeding themselves from one another. Don could feel his back tingling like always when he watched fire. It was some kind of phantom pain but it didn't hurt. It made Don feel uncomfortable, that's all.

* * *

It was almost a midnight when the flames started slowly to die. Don and Bible had dragged chairs in front of the fire and sat there silently the whole evening. Don wasn't even sure if Bible was awake anymore.

The warmth had finally crept into all the corners of the wide living room. It tried to get Don under it's sleeping spell but he refused to relax. It was almost like he was yet again on the battlefield not able to close his eyes for even a sec.  
How long would it take before Don could live without constant fear of getting shot or something worse? Maybe for the rest of his life, however long it would be.

”Fuck,” he hissed as he felt the pressure in his chest starting to build up again.

”What now Don?” sleepy voice asked.

”Nothing. Sorry if I woke you up.”

”No no. I was awake”, Bible answered yawning.

”You sure sound like it”, Don uttered a laugh.

”Not like that. Can't really sleep. It feels like we would still have to be on alert. I don't really know the reason why but it feels like it.”

”Yeah, I know”, Don sighed rubbing his tired eyes.

They sat silent for a moment. It was relieving to know that Don wasn't alone with his thoughts and problems.

”Maybe we should take turns on watch. Have some control”, Bible suggested.

Don sneered surprised. He didn't see that coming.

”I mean. It's not like we needed to take a watch. I just think it would help us to sleep. Knowing there is someone who takes care.”

”It might work”, Don admitted slowly.

”I'm sure of it. So, I will take the first watch. And don't even think about arguing, you're wounded.”

”And also your commander.”

Bible smiled widely trying to stop his laugh escaping his lips. Don couldn't help himself and smiled too. If there was someone who could pull him back from the brink it would be Bible. Just watching the man made Don feel better. There was that warmth lingering inside him whenever he smiled at him. He was so safe, he would never let Don down.

”You will sleep first, period. But first we'll have to clean your wound.”

The warmth inside Don escaped trough a quick exhale. He really didn't want Bible to touch his back. Don was sure Bible would be gentle about it but there was no way he would let that happen.

Noticing Don's stiffened being Bible smiled apologetically.  
”Please Don. I know it's a big deal but I wouldn't do this if I didn't need to.”

”No, it's nothing. Not a big deal”, Don denied but lowered his eyes.

He couldn't meet Bible's stare. Through the war he had felt his stare many times but it never losted its effectiveness. The man was so full of emotions it felt like those feelings grabbed Don everytime Bible gave him that stare.

”Don...”

His name fell so easily from his lips. When had that changed?

”Just get it on with it”, Don said with forced commonness.

”I can give you a moment if you need.”

”What the hell Bible? Do it!” he growled.

Bible didn't make a move so Don puffed irritated and yanked his shirt away. Sudden movement made his shoulder hurt but he just gritted his teeth.

Smiling sadly Bible closed the cap between them and took Don's hands to his. He held them for a while searching for his eyes the whole time. As Don finally let their eyes meet his whole body shivered from the coldness that struck his bare upper body.

Letting go of Don Bible reached for the water they had warmed earlier. It had cooled down but there was still light traces of steam above it. Dipping a piece of fabric to the water Bible searched Don's eyes again. As Bible squeezed the excessive water from the cloth Don finally nodded. Was there really a choice for him?

Bible turned him over gently, revealing his damaged back to him. Carefully Bible laid his fingers on Don's shoulder and slid them over his bandage. His touch was like a one of a ghost or a breeze of wind whenever his touch wandered to his bare skin. Don closed his eyes feeling the fingers dancing on his back and carefully starting to unwrap his bandages.

Although Bible was very gentle Don couldn't relax. Bible's touch didn't really hurt him but it sent uncomfortable sensations down his spine. Bible didn't say a word even though he must have noticed Don's uneasy state. Or maybe that was the reason.

After getting rid of the dressings Bible wiped his skin with the rag. The man was clearly trying to avoid touching Don's skin himself. Don couldn't figure out if it was because he was being discreet or disgusted.  
Somehow though Don wanted Bible's delicate fingers to wander to his bare skin. Just touch him, slide over all his scars and not to care about the fact that his back was like a battlefield in itself.

Feeling Bible stepping further Don stiffened again. He hadn't even realised that he had relaxed at some point.

Bible walked to Don's bag and searched the cream the doctor had given to him. Tossing it to Don Bible crouched to close the bag again.  
Don had grabbed the jar with his other hand but it didn't stop him from noticing how the man's shirt got up a little as he bend over. War had taught him to pay attention to all the little things. Sometimes they could be the things standing between you and death. Still it felt odd to observe him like that. He hadn't done that after their first days together. He didn't need to. It had been clear from the very start that he could trust him.

But things were different now. Now there were just the two of them. Don didn't have his crew anymore only Bible. And neither of them was the same man than with the rest of the crew.

As Bible walked back Don opened the jar and offered it to him. Bible took it smiling and soon Don could feel his fingers thick with the cream touching his wound.  
He couldn't keep from flinching slightly. Bible stopped immediately but didn't take a step back. Don forced his muscles loosen up again and soon he could feel his fingers back on his skin.

Slowly like treating an animal Bible went round Don and applied cream to his chest as well. Focusing wholly on his work Bible didn't look at Don but Don couldn't turn his gaze away from the man.  
He had never really had time to examine the man this closely. Sure he knew by heart the color of his eyes and the shape of his moustache. But he hadn't noticed how he kept his mouth slightly open as he concentrated or how chapped his lips were.

As Bible was satisfied he raised his look and encountered Don's. A small smile appeared as he put his palm to his chest more bravely than before.

”I can feel your heartbeat.”

Don blinked rapidly staying silent for a while.  
”Thank you.”

Bible burst into laughter. It was so genuine Don thought he had never really heard Bible laugh. Of course he had but there had always been something dark about it.  
It wasn't a nervous laughter, or a tired or hopeless. It was just a laughter.

”You're welcome Sarge”, he answered as he wiped his fingers clean not able to stop his chuckle yet.

And Don didn't want him to stop. He could feel like he had caught a glimpse of the man Bible had been before the war. Someone serious but still a person full of life.

Maybe he could be that person again. Maybe even Don could be a person like that.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”I don't know where you're going  
> But do you got room for one more troubled soul?”
> 
> -Fall Out Boy


	3. If I Lose Myself

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Apparently I'm so busy with university that I don't have even half of the time I would like to spend writing. So, I think I will update about once a month. But I can promise you that my story is thought through so I won't leave this to be a work-in-progress.  
> Just hang in there!

Don glanced out of the window. There were kids playing on the street. They were probably playing tag running and laughing all around the place. They were young enough to have both girls and boys in their group and run carefreely.

”Mister Collier?”

The voice demanded Don's attention although it tried to stay soft and understandable at the same time. Slowly Don turned from the window and shifted his gaze to the man in front of him. Not caring to answer he only lifted his eyebrow questioningly.

 

”Are you sure there is nothing you would like to talk about?” the man asked calmly and Don had to admire his demeanor.

There was something special in Don that gave out the fact that he wasn't just a private you could boss around. He was the one used to give the orders and take the lead. He didn't demand worship or act like he was above the others. He didn't need or want respect, only obedience when the situation demanded so. Still, he wasn't the one you would like to piss off.  
So, usually when Don gave the look to someone that someone thought it better to walk away. Or at least they turned their eyes to the floor or somewhere else. But no, the elderly man stared right back.

”I can't clear you out if you don't talk to me,” the man pointed out moving his gaze to the file on his lap.

”You sure about that?”

”Yes, I'm sure. So you better start talking.”

Don shrugged his shoulders and looked back to the window. The kids had disappeared from the street but the city was never completely silent. Even now, during the working hours, there were people talking, walking and enjoying from the sun. It looked so different compared to Europe. Europe had been gray with death and destruction all around them. This here. It was still gray but here was also other colours.  
The disturbing thing was that Don didn't know anymore which one of these scenes was more truthful. The scenery which didn't try to hide the cruel nature of humankind or the one which tried to keep up living no matter what.

The man, shrink, sighed deeply but didn't say anything. Don was fine with that. The man didn't actually seem so bad. He had let him be silent for half an hour after he had introduced himself and was now slipping back to the silence noticing that Don wasn't going to open his mouth.

Don rubbed his shoulder absently and let his thoughts wander. He had been renovating the house with Bible and they had managed to make the bedrooms upstairs suitable for living. There was still lot of work to do but Don didn't have anything else and Bible seemed to be staying. He had even found a church to go to.  
Don let his thoughts wander to Bible and a hint of a smile raised to his lips. What did the neighbours think about them, two men living together? Not that they had really been outside the house. Not that it was any of their business.

Don sneered at his thoughts and the shrink looked at him expectantly. Don smiled almost apologetically at the man. It wasn't his fault that he couldn't do anything to help. But why should Don speak about anything, why should he charge his burden to the other man with no guarantee of help?

Glancing at his wristwatch the man sighed again before standing up.  
”I am sorry but our time is up. But we will see each other next week. Same time, same place.”

Don frowned slightly but nodded anyway. It's not like he had given the man any other options. He could have talked falsely about how horrible war was and how glad he was to be back but it didn't feel right. If that's what it would take Don would visit the man every week for the rest of his life.

* * *

 

”How did it go?” Bible asked immediately as Don opened the front door.

”Fine.”

”Really?” the man asked looking suspicious.

Don nodded but couldn't meet Bible's eyes. He noticed it also and sighed, disappointed.

”So you just sat there, am I right? Did you even say anything?”

”I did!” Don cried out surprised how the man had immediately seen through him.

Though, not surprised. He did know that Bible could always catch him from a lie. As Bible raised his brows challenging him to continue Don raised his hand to rub his neck uneasily.

”Maybe like a sentence or two”, he admitted finally and Bible let out another sigh.

”I take that you didn't get cleared out then?”

Don raised his eyes and stared into Bible's. How in hell was that any of Bible's business? It wasn't. What did it matter if he didn't want to talk about it? It wasn't like Bible was talking about it too. He sure did have problems but if Bible tried to pretend Don was the only one with serious problems he would...

”Fucking stop. This is not your problem, it's mine. Why do you even care? Are you trying to buy yourself a place in heaven? What would be a better way to that than saving the soul of a doomed man?” Don spat out and turned his back to Bible.

”Of course I care! Why wouldn't I? I spent years watching over your sorry ass”, Bible shouted as he followed Don to the living room.

”I told you right from the beginning that don't get attached”, Don started but was cut short by Bible.

”Yeah, just like you didn't.”

Don stiffened at the words. How could he blame Bible for something he was also guilty of? How could he say that his problems were not Bible's even though he worried constantly about Norman. But Norman was a kid and he still didn't know if he had made it back safe and sound.  
And he wouldn't even get started about thinking Gordo, Grady or Red. It hurt him too much. He had been the accountable one and still he hadn't gone down with his crew.

He felt a light hand on his shoulder but decided to shrug it off. He really wasn't in a mood for comforting words.

”Let me help.”

”What good would that do?” Don asked coldly.

”Maybe if you speak...”

”Then what? It all magically turns alright? My nightmares will stop and they will be alive again? Or even better, they will be alive and I will be dead. Not in heaven, 'cause there isn't one. I would be dead in endless darkness and it would be right for me”, Don growled.

”If you throw your life away, their deaths didn't have any meaning!” Bible huffed frustrated.

”You keep saying that, but their deaths don't have any meaning even now”, Don spat and hit his fist to the table beside him.

He could feel warm blood starting to drip from his hand but he ignored it.

”Why didn't you just leave me alone in that tank? You could have saved yourselves. Fucking idiots, that's what you are. What you were.”

”Yes, obviously it's fucking stupid to try save a man who wants to die. But we still had some honor left. Leaving you behind like cowards was never an option. Idiots we may have been but at least we are not cowards”, Bible answered not letting Don out of his steely gaze.

”Are you saying I am a coward? I'm a coward for keeping that crossroads?”

”Well yes. Only a coward would want to seek the easy way out, only a coward would want to die.”

Don clenched his fists trying to stop the shakes that tried to take over his body. Don couldn't believe that from all the people he had met Bible was the first one to call him a coward. There wasn't even a slightest sign of regret on his face as he kept staring straightly at Don.

”You should really just focus on your own problems. Hiding from the world here with me seems odd for a man who has it all under control.”

”I have never claimed that I have it all under control. But I have things better under control than you”, Bible said squinting his eyes.

”You really should shut your mouth before I...”

”Before what? Violence is not the answer Don. You can't spend your life drinking and fighting.”

”Why not? I have done it before.”

Bible sighed but managed to still look angry. Letting out an irritated puff he turned around walking away. However, he did stop before disappearing from Don's sight.

”And think where you are now.”

His words rang in Don's head as he heard him climbing the stairs and slamming his door shut. Don sent a vase to the floor shattering. If he really didn't see him as anything more than just a coward why was he even here? And above all why did Don care about that? Bible could think anything he wanted, it didn't change the facts.

”Fuck this shit”, Don hissed at himself taking steps towards the liquor cabinet.

For a moment Don hesitated before opening the doors. There were still some bottles covered in dust but all the same drinkable. He picked up one randomly and opened it. As he could feel the bottle touching his lips he started to hesitate again. He wasn't responsible to anyone anymore. Why shouldn't he drink it?  
Closing his eyes Don lifted the bottle closer again. This time his nose picked up the sharp smell that instantly brought back memories from the previous time he had smelled it, not so long time ago. That time had been on Fury, his whole crew still breathing around him. Well, not the whole crew as Red had gotten out earlier.

”Fuckfuckfuck,” Don mumbled as nausea hit him hard and he walked to the kitchen.

For a moment he wavered beside the sink the liquor bottle in his hand. Sighing he poured the liquid into the sink watching it disappear. Cursing again he let the empty bottle drop to the floor with a loud crash after hitting it broken against the sink. Don heard Bible walking upstairs obviously pacing in circles.  
Why should he care about the man? Wouldn't it be better if he cut him out from his life? Leaving no sign of war in his life. Surely, every shrink would agree with his thoughts. But he already knew it wouldn't make things any better, maybe quite the opposite.

Leaning to his forehead with his hand he realized that his palm was bleeding again. His knuckles had taken the hit and now there were little cuts all over them filled with glass. Not having enough strength to care he took the drying towel and tied it around his fist. At least the bleeding would stop.

Don turned around and twitched slightly seeing Bible watching him intensely. How in the hell had the man succeeded to be so quiet that Don hadn't noticed him earlier? Don followed Bible's gaze to the floor where were still the fragments of the liquor bottle.  
For a short moment Don played with the thought of letting him believe he had drunk it. Just to see how would he react.

”What? I didn't drink it”, Don said however defending himself from Bible's judging look.

The man raised his brows in surprise and Don couldn't help but feel a little bit miffed. Was it really that hard to believe that he could be wise for a change? But as Don was ready to spit something mean to him Bible's lips slowly turned into a smile and the steely gaze was replaced with the gentle look that Don liked so much better. Those eyes gave Don hope to believe there was still something left in this world for him.

Bible let out a relieved sigh and took a pair of quick steps before embracing Don.

”Hell Top. For a moment I really thought you would let it all slip away. I'm so proud of you”, Bible said with a voice thick with relief.

”You sure sounded like it”, Don answered pushing the man away from him.

Awhile he looked hurt before his expression turned to apologetic. For the first time Don saw Bible like that. Sure he had seen him guilty and full of regret but that had been all about letting his God down, not able to live his life fully to the Book. Now, this was different. This was all about Don.

Rubbing his neck bothered Bible turned his gaze down and bit his lower lip.

”I am sorry. I shouldn't have said what I did.”

”Did you mean it? Do you think I'm a coward?” Don asked tightly.

”Of course not! I know you would switch places with them right away if you could and it has nothing to do with cowardice.”

This time Bible didn't hug him. Instead he grabbed his neck in not a very gentle manner pulling him closer and stared right into his eyes.

”But I believe in you. There is more to your life than only war. Don't lose yourself in it. Let me believe in you.”

Don didn't quite catch the meaning of his words but nodded slowly. If Bible could believe in him, maybe he could too. At some point.

Glancing at his bloody hand Bible sighed yet again.

”Seriously? You were the Sarge and you can't even take care of yourself. Come on, we will have to clean that and bind it again.”

Moving his hands from his palm to his shoulder Bible peeked inside Don's shirt.

”Might as well take care of that too. Here, take that first”, he pampered Don and gave him a painkiller.

Swallowing the pill Don followed Bible back to the living room. Bible looked to the floor frowning but didn't say anything about the fragments there. He just pointed Don to the chair and kneeled in front of him. Carefully he took the towel from Don's hand and started to pick pieces of glass from his wounds.

Don closed his eyes letting Bible work in peace. It felt nice, although it hurt now that his adrenaline rush had passed. But Bible was ever so gently. And it was better to focus on Bible's tender touch than on the pounding in his head that had started the moment he had sat down.  
Flinching slightly from the pain as Bible poured some disinfectant to his wound Don opened his eyes again. But the view in front of him had changed. Now he was staring right into Bible's teary eyes while the man still managed to tend his hand now closer to his shoulder. There was dirt on his cheek and his clothes were bloodstained.  
  
Don blinked confused and suddenly there wasn't anymore dirt or blood or tears. Actually, Bible wasn't even looking at him, he was wholly focused on binding his palm. Noticing Don's stiffening Bible raised his look anxiously.

”Is something wrong?”

Don shook his head but that made his head hurt even more.

”Apparently, I'm having a headache”, he answered drily.

”Well, let's finish you up then. You need to get some sleep”, Bible said finishing with his hand and gesturing Don to take off his shirt.

Still a little bit confused Don took off his shirt and waited as Bible tended his shoulder as well. He had grown accustomed to Bible seeing his scars and it didn't disturb him so much anymore. On bad days he got anguished but Bible was always very careful not to touch his back directly anymore than was compulsory.  
Even now his touch was just a light brush on his skin. Don could feel his eyelids slipping closed and his mind drifting away.

”Come on, I will take you upstairs. Those painkillers are making you drowsy”, Bible said offering a hand to Don.

Don took it standing up slowly. His head was spinning and he couldn't help but to think if it was a sign of a nearing panic attack. But his thoughts were getting so hazy...

Trusting Bible could handle it Don leaned on the much smaller man letting him take the lead. Somehow, the man managed to get them up the stairs without bigger problems. As he helped Don to his bed the older man cleaved to Bible.

”Stay. I don't feel so well”, Don mumbled through his now foggy world.

”Of course. I will be here, by your side”, Bible answered and gently freed himself from Don's grip.

As Don watched Bible sat down, it felt almost impossible to stay awake.

* * *

 

” _ **And... I said. Here am I. Send me.** ”_

” _ **Book of Isaiah, chapter six.** ”_

_The image blurs before Don can hear Bible laughing, surprised but pleased._  
_It shifts straight to the chaos and he can hear loud and clear how Grady takes his last breath choking on his own blood. He can also hear Bible crying and don't have a chance but to yell at him._

” _ **We're still in this fight!** **Still in this fight!** ”_

_Don feels his heart clench uncomfortable. He really, really would like to give his gunner a moment of sorrow if he could. But he can't._

_There is a blur of other images before he hears a familiar bang as the hatch closes. There is another sound that follows it, just a clang that Don hears even trough all the noise. It's a hand grenade hitting the floor. Soon there is a muffled thump and Don knows they won't make it. None of them is going to make it._

” _ **But he who does God's will lives forever.** ”_

_Don stares into Boyd's eyes and finds himself repeating:  
_ ” _ **Forever.** ”_

_And then Don is back being the Sergeant who isn't fucking scared and devastated. Don is Wardaddy, Top, back at his place where he should be killing Krauts. And even as he is shot, he doesn't care. But then Boyd raises his head and Don cares all too much._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”If I lose myself tonight  
> It'll be by your side”
> 
> -OneRepublic


	4. Stay With Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the next chapter, a little bit earlier than expected but better that way, eh?  
> And about this chapter. I'm really not into making up new characters but writing a multiple chapter fic with only two, or three, characters would have seemed odd. To me, at least.  
> So expect to see a few of these totally made-up people, but I promise that I will keep them as distant as possible. They are here just to give the fic a little bit of flow.

Don was fighting back the hands that tried to steady him. He wouldn't surrender, he wouldn't go down like this. He was still in this fight, still in this fight.

He managed to push himself up but his legs were caught with something. Blindly waving his arms he tried to keep enemies away but it turned out to be impossible as he felt a heavy body crashing into him forcing him back to his back.  
Don punched the other man straight into the face and could feel the crunch from a nose and a gasp of pain.

”Fuck Don, wake up!”

Hearing his own name Don stopped just for a moment but it was enough. He could feel strong arms pinning him down to the mattress. There was indeed a mattress under him, not ground. That realisation was enough to drag the darkness away.

Freezing at his place Don could finally recognize Bible on top of him. Bible's face was only inches away from his and he was panting heavily. There was blood starting to drip from his nose and his eyes followed Don warily.  
Don grimaced apologetically. It was obvious that his blackout had gone on for a little longer than just few seconds.

Although Don had stayed put for awhile now Bible wasn't showing any signs of moving away from top of him. Don was aware of his body even though Bible was considerably more lightweighted than him. It was the touch they shared. Or would have shared if they hadn't been dressed.  
Don shivered lightly. Those were disturbing thoughts, why did he think like that? Almost as disturbing as was Bible's gaze on him. Don cleared his throat and Bible seemed to jump a little too.

”Have you calmed down?” the man asked still not letting go of his biceps.

If Don had really tried, he would have managed to free himself. But there was no need for that so he nodded trying to assure Bible with his eyes. Bible looked at him still skeptical but released his grip. However, he didn't move but shifted his hands from Don's arms to his sides.

”You do realise you are bleeding on me, do you?” Don asked with a gruff voice.

It took Bible a moment before Don's word made sense to him and awkward smile reached his lips. Rolling to his back, away from Don, the man raised his hand to his nose and only now noticed it's bleeding.

”Oops. I guess I had something else to think about than messing your clothes”, Bible said not offering an actual apology.

Don snarled in agreement as Bible carefully probed his own nose.

”I think you broke it.”

”I'm sorry”, Don murmured frowning.

”Well, maybe there would have been better ways than that to wake you up.”

There was a moment of silence before Bible added: ”Wanna talk about it?”

Don glanced to the man lying down next to him but this time he couldn't find his eyes. Bible was staring at the ceiling pressing his nose with his left hand. Don opened his mouth to say something but realised that he had no clue what had happened.

”I... Don't really know what happened.”

Bible lay silent for a while looking comfortable in the bed next to him.

”Well... You fell asleep, not really peacefully. You were squirming in your sleep but I thought it was better than to not have sleep at all. So I let you sleep. At some point you started screaming, like really screaming.”

Don grimaced embarrassed but Bible didn't seem to care. Don was pretty sure that he didn't even tell everything if the now almost faded tears that he could still feel on his face were anything to go by.

”That was the point I thought it would be better to wake you up. I tried to shake you awake but you obviously thought I was trying to kill you or something. So you kinda attacked me.”

Bible talked all matter-of-factly, like Don hadn't only a moment ago broken his nose.

”I was having a nightmare”, Don admitted slowly, ”But I can't seem to remember what it was about.”

”Does it really matter?” Bible asked causing a surprised sound from Don. Bible shrugged his shoulders noticing Don's confusion.

”There is only one kind of nightmares men like us have”, Bible sighed and rubbed his eyes looking tired.

The man looked more tired and weary than Don had seen him after the war. Don couldn't help but to think if it was because Bible was for the first time letting his mask slip. The man had been so careful to take care of Don that Don had forgotten that Bible had seen and experienced all the same things that he had.

”You too?” he asked quietly.

Bible rolled to his right side leaning into his hand and studied Don silently like seeming to ponder what he meant. Humming Bible tried to search his eyes but now Don was looking at the ceiling laying on his back.  
He didn't really try to avoid Bible's gaze. He just felt comfortable like this. He was used to this, having someone safe laying next to you radiating warmth. Even though now they were alone laying on a comfy mattress instead of a cold hard ground.

”Having nightmares, you mean? How could I not?”

Don nodded understanding. How could any man be through what they had been and not have nightmares? Don noticed Bible's eyes staring into distance his mind clearly wandering. As Don shifted his posture mirroring Bible's side pose the man's eyes snapped back to him.

”You look tired”, Don pointed out not showing his sympathy.

Bible let out a laugh and closed his eyes rolling to his back. Don stared at the man.  
Even with his eyes closed his face didn't relax. Instead it looked like a mask on itself. Smooth and without wrinkles or lines caused by worry but at the same time lifeless and dead. There were also dark circles under his eyes and Don felt irresistible urge to raise his thumb and caress them away. But he couldn't do that. So he kept staring at him.  
Sighing Don swallowed the lump in his throat. It was so wrong that the war could tear up even the brightest human beings. War could take something that once was something so beautiful like Boyd and turn it to like him, like Don.

”Boyd”, Don whispered feeling an odd sensation shaking his body as the name escaped his lips.

It didn't feel bad but as sure as hell it didn't feel good either. It felt... Dangerous.  
But whatever it was Bible didn't stir to his voice. Apparently the man had fallen asleep almost immediately or Don had stared his face longer than he had thought.  
Even though Bible's face wasn't peaceful even at sleep at least the mask was gone. Don could see Bible's eyes moving rapidly under his eyelids and there was something lightly distressed on his face. At least the man didn't seem to have any nightmares, Don observed as he placed the blanket over Bible's body before closing his own eyes.

Maybe two doomed people would equal as one saved.

* * *

Don's head was blurry after sleeping so many hours. He didn't feel at all rested but a quick glance at the window revealed that sun was already rising. And if he had gone to sleep around four or five p.m. he had slept somewhat twelve hours.  
Don suppressed an irritated huff; it felt such a waste to sleep half of the day.

Shifting his stance a little bit Don realised that there was something warm pressed to his side, really close. Surprised Don looked at the body next to him. Bible?  
Going back to the events of last evening Don remembered dimly his nightmares. What have those even been about?

It didn't matter anymore so Don focused on Bible. Sure, he had comforted him and after the incident between them the man had fallen asleep needing the sleep almost as much as Don. And now... The man was cuddling him. No, not cuddling him. Just nestling against him. And somehow it seemed that Don had a bigger role in their current position as he realised that his arm was resting on the man's bicep.  
Don could feel anxiety take over his body as their proximity sank into his mind fully. Even their legs were tangled together making moving almost impossible unless he wanted to wake Bible up. And Don didn't want to wake him up remembering Bible's haunted expression. That and also the fact that it would be unbearable humiliating if Bible realised how close they had been sleeping.

Swallowing down his uncomfortable feeling Don tried to relax thinking at the same time how in hell could he slither himself out of this. Lifting his hand carefully away from Bible the other man startled slightly but didn't seem to wake up. Indeed, he just sighed deeply and leaned on Don even closer. Don stiffened at the movement even though he tried to remain calm. But this, the other man's closeness, was something he couldn't handle.  
It was different when they had been at war. Fury had been crowded and cold and it was only natural if the men seek warmth from each other. Everyone had done that, snuggled next to someone on a cold winter night. This on the other hand was too much.

Don heard more than felt how his breathing broke every now and then. Biting his lip Don eased his upper body from Bible's hold. After the man didn't react to his movements he dared to move his legs. A couple of times Don had to stop and focus only on breathing right but eventually he managed to separate himself from Bible.

Watching Bible curled up now alone on the bed Don caught himself missing the warmth of the other man. Now that his anxiety had passed Don found himself thinking why he had reacted so strongly. Surely Bible would have understood the situation. Hell, they had just been sleeping in the same bed and the rooms were still a bit cool.  
Actually, Bible even looked less calm than a moment ago. Don sighed and turned his back on Bible leaving him to sleep. Before exiting the room he grabbed the cigarette pack from the nightstand and headed downstairs.

Lighting his cigarette Don directed to the kitchen letting his gaze wander to the fragments still on the floor. After a draw from his cigarette Don let it hang loose on his lips as he bent to pick the pieces up. As he threw the pieces into the trash can he felt a dull ache on his shoulder. Rubbing it carefully Don sat down.  
The shoulder didn't seem to heal at all. Maybe it would be like that for the rest of his life. An eternal reminder of the war, how great.

Don stared into distance smoking his cigarettes, one after another as the sun kept climbing higher. He wasn't quite sure how much time had passed before he heard soft footsteps entering the room.

”Morning”, he greeted as Bible sat opposite him.

”Do you have coffee?” Bible asked yawning.

”No. Just smokes”, Don said and offered his almost empty pack.

Bible snorted but took a cigarette however. The man still looked a little bit sleepy but oddly rested at the same time.

”You slept well?” Don asked between his draws of cigarette.

”Yeah. Better than in ages. Did you drug me or what?” Bible asked laughing and playing with his unlit cigarette.

”If you can say breaking your nose to be that then yes”, Don answered offering him light.

Bible put the cigarette on his lips and leaned over the table to meet Don's lighter. As he waited the light to catch the cigarette his eyes searched Don's. There was an odd expression on Bible's face that Don couldn't make sense of. Maybe he shouldn't have brought up the broken nose.

”I forgot it already”, Bible said as he withdrew back to his place. ”Although now that you mentioned it, it does hurt. But nothing I couldn't handle.”

Bible didn't look at all pained. He looked relaxed and almost... Happy. Don almost let out a smile to the man but startled as Bible caught his hand suddenly.

”I could start working as a nurse. You sure keep giving me enough practice”, he joked as he examined Don's knuckles gently.

Don nodded looking their hands, his own skin, red and irritated.  
Without a warning Bible intertwined their fingers together causing Don to raise his look sharply. What was he doing? Even Bible couldn't think that as a normal act between friends. Using all his inner power Don managed not to pull his hand away. After all he didn't want to offend Bible. And he had to admit that the touch felt nice, natural.

”From Corporal to male nurse. What a career boost”, Don said after a moment.

His voice sounded stretched even to his own ears, therefore he wasn't surprised as Bible let go of his hand. But the man didn't seem hurt as he leaned back on his chair. Actually, Don didn't remember ever seeing Bible so comfortable.

”What's gotten into you?” Don asked before he could shut his mouth.

”What do you mean?” Bible inquired sounding almost playful as he stubbed out his cigarette.

”I'm just wondering where is all your usual seriousness.”

”I'm only reflecting your emotions. You know, I almost got you”, Bible answered mysteriously.

Don frowned at the bizarre answer. And there was again that strange look on Bible's face. Something wasn't right here.

”You think I am such a cheerful person right now, that's it?”

Bible chuckled at his words. ”I wouldn't use word cheerful. But better, absolutely.”

Bible looked Don curiously, almost like challenging him to understand something. Something that Don couldn't right catch, at least not at the moment.

”Right”, Don started slowly, ”It would be really nice to feel like that myself.”

”Give it a time”, Bible said growing serious once again.

Somehow that made Don feel better. This was the man he knew inside out.That glimpse of a totally carefree man had been eerie. It would have been nice to know that kind of Bible but no. Even without the war Don could never believe that Bible would be a man like that.  
They locked their gazes again but Don couldn't figure Bible out.  
What the hell? Back in Europe he had always felt like he could read his gunner's mind and likewise. Or at least Don liked to think that way. Now it seemed like that road had turned out to be a one-way.

”I'll go out for a smoke”, Don said lamely despite the fact that they had already smoked in the kitchen.

Leaving Bible in the kitchen Don headed out and sat down to the porch not caring to light up yet another cigarette. The day had already started and Don was getting nosy looks sent down his way. Most of them didn't seem to recognize him but he had really been just an arrogant young man when he had left. And now he felt like he had thousands of years to carry on his shoulders. Or at least thousands of lives.

It didn't take long before a young woman approached him. She was a redhead, pretty ordinary looking but all the same fine to look at.

”I thought I saw life in the old Collier house. You have moved in?”

Don nodded curtly. Sure the girl was pretty but he wasn't interested.

”You're from here? Or how did you find yourself here?”

Again a nod. The girl kept looking him with interest in her eyes.

”You do look kinda familiar”, she wondered aloud before her eyes widened, ”You are the son, aren't you?”

Don raised his brow but nodded again. The girl stayed silent for a moment estimating him the whole time.

”It's a shame the house doesn't have madam Collier. No man should have empty bed on summer nights”, the girl purred making Don feel uncomfortable.

He was used to women offering themselves to him so openly but those had been women desperate to survive no matter what. The girl in front of him was young and looked like she had a life easy enough. There was no need to offer herself like that for a man she didn't know at all.

”What makes you think that?” he finally asked surprising the girl.

”This is a quiet street. Someone would have noticed. The house kind of lacks a touch of a woman”, she added glancing knowingly at the garden around them.

”I can take care of myself, thanks for the concern”, Don grunted and stood up.

”Sure. But when you get bored cooking yourself, let me know. I live next door”, the girl said with a wink.

The girl gave him her name but Don let it float past him. Maybe she really was a sweet girl but he had had his share with meaningless women. He didn't give the girl any more of his thoughts as he stepped back inside and was met with tempting scent. Confused Don continued to the kitchen to find Bible cooking something.

”What are you doing?”

”Making breakfast. Nothing special, just coffee, toast and eggs, but it is enough for two”, Bible answered giving him a quick smile before turning back.

Don couldn't stop a laugh from escaping his lips. The irony of the situation was just too much. He didn't need a wife or a lover to cook for him: He got Bible.

”What?”

”Nothing. Can I join you?” Don asked and could hear the smile on his own voice.

Bible glanced at him looking surprised but Don could see his smile deepening as he turned again to his work.

”Sure. You can slice some tomatoes.”

Don nodded to Bible's back and with few steps he was placed right next to the other man already rinsing the tomatoes. After finding himself a knife he started working shoulder to shoulder with Bible.

”Funny. I didn't ever think you as a domestic person”, Bible grinned after awhile.

”I don't think I am. But having no wife I guess I have to learn”, Don laughed.

Bible returned his laugh and Don had to admit how good it felt to see life sparkling in his friend's eyes. He knew that those moments would be fleeting whether it was him or Bible enjoying them. Past always caught them in the end.  
But for once, he would let himself be free from his consuming thoughts. And again, Don found himself wondering how natural and enjoyable it all felt. Like it was meant to be.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And deep down I know this never works  
> But you can lay with me so it doesn't hurt"
> 
> -Sam Smith


	5. Demons

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I'm so happy right now! I got my copy of Fury earlier this week. Like finally, and just in time. I was kinda forgetting why I love Don/Boyd so much. But hah, no doubts on that front anymore.

” _ **You know why he is here? He is here to kill you.** ”_

_Don pushes the kid begging him silently to understand. Don listens as the Kraut pleads for his life. But his words are German and even though Don could understand him, he decides not to as he keeps pushing the kid._

_The kid looks at the Nazi with pity. To Don he gives a gaze that is defiant, almost contemptuous. Don slaps him in the face, again and again. He has to learn. As Don grabs his neck the boy steadies himself. Don waits for a moment, puts his own thoughts in order and tells himself why he has to break this innocent boy._

” _ **I'm trying to teach you something** ”, Don starts._

_The boy's face is already stained with oil and dirt so he doesn't hesitate to touch it. But his skin is so soft. It's so soft that he can see every emotion being drawn to it. The kid would like to be anywhere else than here. And Don can't blame him. He would be a madman if he would want to be here._

” _ **I can't do it.** ”_

_Da_ _mn, he was so_ _close of breaking him. Don keeps the eye contact showing him who is in charge. It reminds him of training a dog.  
Maybe he can still convince him with only words. Slapping him one last time he demands the kid to pick. That is the moment when even the stupidest ones understand that he won't have freeloaders in his crew._

_But as Don grabs him by the jacket the boy breaths out:  
_ ” _ **Just kill me. Kill me.** ”_

_Don freezes as the kid keeps repeating those words. Yes, Don had heard those words from a soldier's lips before but they had been dying or Germans pleading for mercy. But the kid is not deadly wounded. Still, he means those words even more, Don can tell. And that's scarier than anything Don has witnessed during the whole war._

 

”Mister Collier? You were saying...?”

Don shrugged himself away from his thoughts and looked at his shrink. The elderly man was leaning his head slightly to the other side waiting for an answer.  
This was already fourth or fifth time as Don had come to see him. They hadn't talked about anything in the beginning but one time the shrink had started chatting about all the little things that didn't really matter and Don had just gone along.  
What was he even talking about before he drifted?

”Ah yes. I was saying that Norman was... Is a good kid. I'm hoping he made it out in one piece”, Don said, realising surprised that he had brought him up.

”I could ask around if you would like”, the man proposed receiving a sharp glance from Don.

”Can you really?”

”Yes. I think it would do good for you to have one life less to feel guilty about. You do feel guilty of that what happened to your crew, do you?”

Don snapped his mouth shut staring coldly at the man. People always had hidden motive when they were offering their help.  
The shrink nodded and scribbled something in his notebook.

”So how is life going? Have you managed to renovate the house suitable for living?”

Don kept staring the man. His shrink was obviously a professional but Don wasn't stupid either. He couldn't just trick him to speak. But he could play this game as well.

”Oh yes, the house is looking good. There is still lots of things to do but it's just for the sake of surface”, Don started rambling.

He kept going on about all the changes he had made trying to push the older man's buttons. If he wanted Don to talk, he could have him talking. Not just anything he really cared about. He had already been too careless. He could not let his thoughts wander back or he would lose himself. Or at least those pieces that were still remaining.

But as he kept speaking the shrink only smiled and nodded from time to time, letting him know that he was listening. He couldn't really listen, Don thought but didn't stop talking.  
After a moment of rambling the shrink's look changed. His professional mask which stated polite interest slipped revealing confusion and something else. The slip lasted only a second or two but Don caught it and went silent trying to remember what exactly he had said.

”Is something wrong Mister Collier?”

”What did I say?”

”What do you mean?” the man asked all professional again.

”You had an odd look on your face. What did I say?”

The shrink let out an understanding noise and pondered his words for a moment.

”You said 'we'. I thought all of your family was dead. I didn't realise...”

Don blinked few times letting the voice fade to the background. It shouldn't be too big of a deal but the shrink had seemed genuinely surprised. And eager to know who the ”we” was.  
But something kept Don's mouth shut. He didn't like speaking about his personal life but there was something more to it. Something that told Don that it would be wrong decision to speak aloud about his and Bible's relationship even though it would be only an answer to an innocent question: who was he living with?

There was a chance that the shrink would think that Bible wasn't doing any good for him. And if Bible knew that he would leave. He wouldn't stay if he believed he was in the way of Don's healing. But even the thought of Bible leaving pained him too much.

So Don kept his mouth shut, again.

* * *

”Bible?” Don called as he opened the front door.

Usually the man was waiting for him after his appointments wanting to hear if he was finally progressing. It irritated Don more than anything else. Like talking would really help anyone. And like healing would even matter at this point. But still it was odd that the man broke their routine which usually, to be fair, only led to arguing.

Don checked the rooms downstairs but came up empty handed. Maybe he had gone to the church. He really didn't want to be bothered about that. His head was dizzy and his shoulder was burning. He had almost grown used to it as that always happened after he dug too deep into his thoughts.

Sighing Don let his feet take him to shower. Slowly stripping out of his clothes Don felt aching all over his body. He felt so old. Even though he was in good shape he felt like his body was one of a 50-year-old. There were times that his left hand refused to work at all or when his back was so stiff that it felt almost impossible to get up. His other ear was almost completely deaf from shooting.

Don stepped under water letting it run so hot that it almost burned his skin. His damaged skin protested strongly making Don grin in pain but it was the only way of relaxing his stiff muscles. He knew from experience that the pain would fade soon enough.  
Fair enough, he could already feel his back numbing and shoulders dropping. Rolling his neck Don raised his hand and pulled his hair from his face. Closing his eyes Don forced the headache back away and leaned forward to rest his head to the wall.

He was having more and more of these headaches nowadays. Which was funny because he didn't remember ever having those before. Not even during his service years. But hell, he wouldn't even have had time then. It had been hard enough to find time for brief meltdowns not to mention having time for hours long headache afterwards.

Don opened his eyes slowly as pictures started to fill his mind again. Setting the water a bit colder he reacher for the soap. Ever after that night when Bible had woken him up from his nightmares Don had been having flashbacks. Usually they were something to be defined as memories, like the earlier one about Norman. Something he knew had happened. But sometimes the flashbacks were... Hazy and incredible. Things that Don didn't remember happening.  
And that wasn't even the most disturbing thing. The most disturbing thing was that those flashbacks were crippling. It wasn't like he remembered something distracting that led his mind astray. It felt more like he was thrown back to the moment, forced to live the moment again. They were like seizures.  
This last week it had been almost completely about Norman. Maybe for that reason that he was the last one to be worried about.  
Occasionally his vision just blackened completely and there were just noises. But the noises were always the worst.

Shutting the water down Don grabbed his towel and dried himself lazily. Stepping out of the shower he wrapped the towel loosely around his waist. The house was still quiet, any signs of Bible nowhere to be seen. To be fair, the house was almost always quiet as Bible wasn't one to keep noise but this felt somehow emptier. Feeling slightly uncomfortable and paranoid Don made his way upstairs.

Cracking his neck Don started dressing but kept listening for any movement downstairs. Before putting on his shirt Don looked at himself in the mirror. His shoulder was shining nastily red. The scar was glistening eerily in the middle of the new skin. Touching it carefully, he could feel it rising a tad from his skin. It felt hard, like there was something inside it. However, every brush made it hurt more so finally Don covered it with his shirt trying to keep himself from touching it.

Don jumped as he heard a loud bang. What was that? Had he let his attention drift away at some point?  
Feeling his heart rate picking up he tried to reason with himself. It wasn't anything. It couldn't be anything. Leaving the room he walked in the direction of the sound, downstairs. He felt nervous. So absolutely nervous that his Sergeant-self would have made him shit his pants if he would have acted like this on the battle.

Like when had he ever been nervous about random noises?  
He hated being like this. Absolutely hated it.

Slowly Don made his way to the living room missing his gun more with every passing moment of insecurity. Don stopped in the doorway and scanned the scene quickly. He had instantly stiffened as he saw the slumped form in the armchair. But Don recognized the figure almost too fast it to be humanely capable.

”Bible?” Don coughed sounding still concerned even to his own ears.

The man didn't react at all but Don knew for certain that it was him. There was this warm certainty inside him. It was his figure in the shadowy room, his common posture, even though now broken one.  
Even though Don now knew that there wasn't any danger something was still off. He took a slow, hesitant step towards Bible.

Of course he knew that if he was having a rough time it was more than possible that Bible was too. But these months after their service, the man had been so careful to keep his back straigth and his lips smiling. Don couldn't help but to think that it was mostly because of him. Of course there were always little slips like that one when he fell asleep next to him.  
But to Don's eyes this was more than just a little slip. This was definitely more and Don wasn't sure if he should try to help or not.

At war Don had always sought himself a place to crack in silence without others knowing. He didn't have the luxury not to care if others noticed. He had always had to make sure that none would notice. And to be honest, it was in his nature. But Bible was a different kind of story. To him he could show things that made him feel vulnerable. He didn't really want to, partially it made him feel uncomfortable. On the other hand, however, it felt freeing.  
Don knew that he could crack in front of Bible. That he had and he would again. He didn't like it but it was a fact. But did Bible want to do that? Or would it only make matters worse?

”Bible?” he tried again but as the man didn't react Don would have to make a choice.

Biting the inside of his lip, a habit learned as it didn't show his hesitancy outside, Don finally took quick steps to be next to Bible. The man still didn't react but Don knew better than to touch him. It would be risky, unpredictable.

”Bible?” Don repeated now crouching in front of him.

”Can you hear me?”

This time the man raised his head but his eyes were glassy. Don wasn't sure if Bible was even seeing him truly. For a moment Don pondered what he should do. Not wanting to touch him directly Don leaned against his legs. The pressure of his chest against the other man's body was enough and there was a distant blink of life and recognition in Bible's eyes.

”Is everything okay?”

A pained expression flashed on Bible's face.

”No, nothing is okay”, the man sighed and buried his face.

Don waited but he didn't say anything else, just kept rocking himself nervously. It reminded him how Bible's foot always drummed before gunning. Up and down, up and down and then boom. Up and down, up and down...

Don wanted to ask what had happened but realised that it would be pointless. Even though the man would be capable of answering, there might not be a clear reason to this. He knew it better than anyone. Sometimes the weight of the world was simply too much.

”Can I do something?” Don asked quietly.

He didn't feel like himself. Hell, he hadn't felt like himself after the war. If he was the Sergeant Bible knew, he would have simply asked him to put it all together. But he wasn't a Sergeant anymore, they weren't at war anymore. Now he was Don, a broken man trying to find his place in this new world that didn't need him.  
And Boyd... Was right there with him.  
He wanted to help him. Be there for him like he had been there for him.

Suddenly Bible twitched like waking up from a nightmare. The glassy impression from his eyes was away, washed away with tears that were now streaming freely on his face. But although he might seem weak, he gripped Don's arm strongly. It would have been impossible to break free from his hold as Bible clung to it like a drowning to a life preserver.

”Do you think Grady got to heaven?” Bible finally asked.

Don was so taken aback by his question that he didn't know what to say for a good while. The question was odd even for a man of faith but there was something more. The same feeling that always surfaced as Don remembered Bible's whimpering body on top of Grady's already dead form. It felt nasty.

He knew that every loader and gunner shared a special bond. Or at least they should share, otherwise they wouldn't be much of a use. He had seen lots of loader–gunner pairs and they needed something special to work. Bible and Grady had had that. It had taken them through almost the entire war as a whole. Almost.

”What about Gordo?” Don added feeling immediately like a dork.

He was trying to make his gunner feel better, not to drive him deeper into depression. Bible's teary eyes locked to his and a sad sigh escaped his lips.

”You said that Hitler would get to heaven”, Don reminded weakly trying to save what was left to save.

”I know. But what if I am wrong? What if being baptized isn't enough? What if...?”

Bible let his voice fade away and his eyes wander. Don, on the other hand, couldn't help but to stare at the man. This was the first time he had ever heard Bible to doubt his faith.

”It's okay Bible. Wherever they went we are going to follow.”

A dry laugh escaped from his lips but somehow Don knew that he had said exactly the right thing.

”I think you got that right. We are not good men, Don.”

”No, we are not. But who is?” Don asked and inched a bit closer before carefully laying his hands on Bible's knees.

His stance was a bit awkward but it felt important to be close to Bible. The man was positioned higher as he was sitting on a chair and Don was crouching on the floor but somehow Don had never felt so equal with him. In the war he had been his commander and after it...  
What was Don compared to Bible? Nothing, just a messed up man full of flaws.

”We all have our demons”, Don whispered and raised his hand to touch Bible's face.

It was nothing like Norman's face had been. His skin had been soft and childishly chubby, it had needed a crack to be an effective shield against the world.  
Bible's face was already worned. He had a dark stubble that felt sharp to Don's fingers. His left cheek had a scar, a scar that Don remembered seeing as a fresh wound. There were wrinkles around his eyes but as Don slid his fingers to his cheekbone he could see them fading. Bible let out a pleasant sound and his figure straightened even though he leaned into Don's touch. His breathing seemed to ease minute be minute.

His lips stayed slightly parted and Don was compelled to look at them. He was so damn close that he could smell a distant cigarette smoke but underneath it was Bible. He could smell Bible's sweated skin, almost like in Fury where you couldn't escape the other men. There was nothing sweet about it but somehow Don found himself snuggling closer breathing in the man.

Closing his eyes Don raised his other hand to Bible's face as well. Cupping the man's face Don drew a deep breath. He had already forgotten that he was supposed to comfort the man not to enjoy his closeness. Don opened his eyes and saw Bible staring at him. His brown eyes looked curious like he was on a verge of asking something.  
Oh god, how Don wanted to drown in those eyes. Bible opened his mouth a bit but before he could say anything Don closed the little distance between their faces and smashed his lips against Boyd's.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”I wanna hide the truth  
> I wanna shelter you  
> But with the beast inside  
> There's nowhere we can hide”
> 
> -Imagine Dragons


	6. Out of My Head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Wooaaw, it's been very silent here the past days. I want something to read, pleeeeaaaseeee. Other Fury-fics seriously help my writing.  
> Well, at least, I got something to offer: Chapter six, although not from the book of Isaiah. Heh, aren't I funny?

He tasted like smoke and salt. Nervousness and sadness.

That didn't feel right. Don wanted to know how Boyd tasted underneath all that. Past the cigarettes and tears.

But before Don could deepen their kiss from a brush of lips to something more meaningful, the realisation of what he was doing hit him. It hit him hard.  
Gasping for breath, though not because of their kiss, Don broke away from Bible. Bible didn't say anything, nor did he try to move further from him. Actually, he didn't make a move, just kept staring at Don.  
Don felt like Bible's gaze had nailed him to his place. He couldn't move, and sure as hell didn't want to look at Bible but couldn't turn his eyes away either. His mind was a whirling mess and he really couldn't say if Bible was disgusted or confused or something else entirely...

Hell, he didn't even know if the man had answered his kiss. And if he had, what did it mean? Was it a reflex or... Why was he thinking this when he should have been thinking what he had done?  
Oh god, he had taken an advantage of a man in a vulnerable state. And not just any man, his friend. His best friend, only friend. His last link to the world around him. He had fucked up big time. And for what? For sudden need of intimacy he didn't realise he needed until it was too late?

Bible blinked and took a step closer causing Don to back away in horror. Don could finally make his feet move so he turned around.

”Don, wait... Don!” Bible yelled after him but his voice was muffled.

Don headed straight to his room upstairs not letting Bible have time for bigger reactions. After locking the door behind him, although Don doubted that Bible would follow him, he threw himself on top of the bed.

”Fuck, fuck, fuck”, he swore silencing his frustrated screams with the pillow.

Caught in the situation with Bible he had been so focused on the other man that only now did other questions come to his mind. Since he was alone the question that really mattered wasn't what Bible thought. It was what he thought or better, what he had thought.  
Why in hell had he kissed the man? Or a man, actually. Don wasn't attracted to men. At least, he hadn't ever been before.  
Don couldn't make himself finish that thought. After all, there was nothing sexual in his relationship with Bible. But to be honest, friendships didn't include kisses, at least not between men. Not to lips.  
Subconsciously, Don licked his lips tasting faintly the kiss. It hadn't even been a kiss, more of a peck. Don hadn't been gentle about it, just smashing their lips together like that. He should have been gentle.

And like the mess in his head wouldn't have been enough, Don could feel panic starting to creep closer. It was treacherous. It had let him get lost in his head when at the same time it had tightened itself around his body. Now it was too late. Don was already hyperventilating.  
He could feel air escaping his lungs with every shallow breath that didn't allow air back inside. Don felt nauseous and light headed. He had fucked up big time, really. How could he now live with Bible like nothing had happened? Oh, like the man would even want to stay after that, Don realised bitterly.

Don forced himself back to the moment. He had no clue why he had kissed Bible. It had been a fleeting thought that had appeared reasonable then. Not anymore when he was lying all alone on his bed in a dark room.  
The kiss hadn't even been worth it. Like maybe he would have liked it but Bible's reaction, or lack of it actually, hadn't been encouraging. So the panic had taken the best of him and the kiss had turned out to be more of an awkward bump of lips.

But Bible had been so lost. Don was also lost, most of the times. He had hoped that together they would be less lost. And those moments right before the kiss. He was able to bring comfort to him. He had seen how his face smoothed and body relaxed when he touched him. He could give him something that nobody else could. That wasn't a relationship between crew members, it was something more.

Don grimaced against the pillow as he stopped following the track his thoughts had taken. That wouldn't help at all. His chest still felt like it would explode any minute now and his eyes were burning behind his closed eyelids. He wouldn't let those tears drop. He hadn't cried since...  
A disturbing image tried to push its way from his memory but it was met by a wall. Deciding it was better that way, at least at the moment, Don buried his head deeper and ignored the soft steps that roamed near his door.

Why? The word was repeating itself in Don's head. He had never dreamed of kissing Bible before. Not at the war, not here. Sure the circumstances for anything like that had been shit for the rest of... Well, the whole time indeed. But he would have noticed if he was having some inappropriate feelings. And there hadn't ever been anything that indicated something like that. Or had there?  
Don bit his lower lip as he recalled some doubtful moments between him and his second in command. So maybe that kiss hadn't been an accident. It still didn't mean that Don would act according to those needs.

Deciding that the best way to deal with this was to ignore the whole incident and let Bible leave if it came to that Don managed to finally find some peace. He still felt like shit but at least his thoughts were in order even though he would have preferred to have the man completely out of his head.  
As his mind was settling down in his body started to wind down as well.  
Don was absolutely certain that he could now meet Bible face to face without causing anymore troubles. Nevertheless, he didn't leave the upstairs for the rest of the evening.

* * *

Don woke up from his restless sleep. He was feeling groggy and exhausted. For a moment he had to think hard why he hadn't been able to catch a good night's sleep but then the events of yesterday came to him.  
As anxiety tried to creep its way back to his body Don forced himself up. Stretching his torso Don walked to the window and sat down already a smoke in his hand. Pushing the window open Don lighted his cigarette and let fresh air in. Sighing the man buried his head and forgot his smoking cigarette.  
Inhaling the mixture of smoke and fresh air Don listened to sounds that would tell him if Bible was already up. He didn't hear anything but it was more than probable that he was awake. Likely reading the Book and searching for comfort that any book had never given to Don. Or he had already left, Don grimaced, not willing to admit how much pain the sentiment caused to him.

Don raised his head when he heard loud noises from the street. One look down revealed the source to be two men arguing over something next to an expensive looking car. He knew the other man, a middle-aged banker whose name Don couldn't recall. He couldn't see the second man's face. Don could still tell that he was tall, well-muscled but thin. However, there was something in his stance that made Don uncomfortable.

Don exerted himself and could hear the mystery man spoke up.

”Fuck off. I know how to do my job”, he spat out obviously not caring about his customer's feeling.

The banker huffed annoyed but Don didn't pay any attention to him. He was focusing on the other man's thick accent trying to deduce where he was from.

”It didn't start at all this morning. Can you fix it?”

”Yeah, why not”, the other man shrugged looking tired.

He turned a bit and Don could finally get a glimpse of his face. Don let out an incredulous sound and seized the window sill. Squeezing his knuckles white Don kept staring at the man who he could swear was Grady. But as he turned fully to face Don's window Don could see even from a distance that he was actually more rounded on the face. Not Grady then. Because Grady was dead.

Don shivered from the cold breeze as he stood up to close the window. His shoulder protested either from the force he used to push the window closed or from the mental shock he was experiencing. Don rubbed it lightly as he admitted that the latter was probably the reason. At least this time there wasn't tightening ropes around his body that made breathing difficult. This time only his head was playing with him.

Sighing Don made his way downstairs lighting up yet another cigarette. As Don reached the empty kitchen he was caught on his thoughts. He knew that his anxiety was normal for anyone who had survived the war. He had it under control. Even seeing people that reminded him of the deceased was normal.  
But for a moment there he had really believed that it was Grady. He had known that he was dead but still he had believed him to be there. That wasn't normal at any rate.  
Don felt uneasy. Should he bring that up when he was seeing the shrink next time? Or would it only lead into trouble? The psychiatrist really seemed like he wanted to help him. He wasn't just doing his job and getting paid for it.

Don snorted and filled a glass with cold water. Putting his cigarette on the kitchen table he drank the liquid and laughed at his own thoughts. Surely it was ridiculous to think that mistaking a man for another after a sleepless night was a symptom of something serious. It was just a sign for needing rest.

Switching the glass to his half-smoked cigarette Don continued into the living room. But as he got to the room he stopped dead. Bible was there. Bible was there reading his Book and Don remembered exactly why the last night had gone sleepless. The whole Grady thing had caused him to forget that he had so much heavier matters to think about.

Don stepped in hesitantly but the other man didn't even raise his look from the Book. Don felt a little bit offended. He had kissed the man and now he wasn't getting any kind of attention. He had feared for something awkward but this was way worse.

”Morning”, he greeted murmuring and walked past him.

Bible nodded but didn't say anything as he turned page. Don gave him an annoyed look as he sat down but it went unnoticed as the man hadn't raised his head at all. Clenching his teeth Don reached for the newspaper on the coffee table. He sure as hell wasn't bringing the subject up. Opening the paper Don stumped his cigarette in a rather aggressive manner against the ashtray's glassy bottom.

He didn't even have anything to be irritated about and that riled him even more. It was probably the best if they would avoid speaking until things would fall back to normal.

Don sighed silently and focused on the paper. There wasn't really anything special. Always the same things about war, how US and the allies had been brave and victorious. Never about the costs, was it men or money. No one wrote about the hanged kids swinging in the wind. But even the positive articles were decreasing. That war was fought, no point prolonging it. Too bad that for some people that war would never be over.

Don found his thoughts wandering back to Grady. He really missed the guy. Sure, he had been a pain in the ass but that had just been his way of coping. He for sure would have something to say about this whole situation that was weighing heavily on the room's atmosphere. To be honest, Don wasn't sure if it was a good thing or not that Grady wasn't here right now.  
Thinking about how that would have turned out Don bit his lip stopping a laugh from escaping his lips. He wouldn't have been laughing then, Don thought.

He turned page, more out of habit than anything else since he wasn't really reading anymore. As the words began to dance in his eyes uncontrollably, he couldn't resist looking at Bible. His eyes were moving systematically behind his reading glasses and occasionally his mouth moved to form important words. He looked nice, not so weary than last night. But there was something in him that gave away that he too had had a sleepless night. It was the tight line of his shoulders, the glassy look when he had to stop to look at something for longer than normally needed.

Suddenly Bible turned his head to look at Don. Don bowed his head down back to the newspaper. Hiding behind the paper Don wasn't sure if he had seen him staring at him but he heard a dry laughter. Not daring to lower the paper Don waited for Bible's next move. After a while he heard how the man closed the Book with an unnecessarily loud thump and moved his chair to stand up.

”Do you want coffee?” he asked making Don almost jump from surprise.

”Yeah, thanks”, he mumbled behind his paper.

”No problem Sarge”, Bible answered and left for the kitchen.

Don tossed his paper away and stared after the man. How he hated that when Bible called him Sarge. It made him feel like he could never be truly away from the war zone. And it wasn't just that. He had gotten used to being called Don. At least by Bible. Nowadays, if he called him Sarge it was because he was making fun of him or... Trying to keep at a distance.  
Only sergeant or Collier would have been worse at this point. Maybe some of his war names, but even they had some kind of affection in them.

Funny actually, how things had changed. In Germany he would have been more uncomfortable if called Don. Of course it was partially because he had to remain some kind of status among his crew but they had never been too formal after the start.  
But the main reason was that when someone called him Don something was seriously off. Like deadly serious.

Don shrugged the unpleasant thoughts away and followed Bible to the kitchen. The man was already waiting for the coffee to boil. He gave Don a brief glance but didn't seem to be particularly chatty. Don sat down and searched for yet another cigarette.

”Care for a smoke?” he offered just to break the silence that seemed to bug him way more than Bible.

The man nodded and took it as he sat down opposite Don. Don lighted first his own cigarette and then offered fire to Bible. He leaned slightly forwards but grabbed the lighter from Don and tossed it back after he was done.

Don didn't remember when he had felt so uncomfortable around Bible as he did now. His whole body was tense like he was just waiting for the other shoe to drop. Even Bible was somehow stiff, his hands fidgeting and his eyes flickering nervously.

”I'm going for a walk”, the man announced as he suddenly jumped up.

”What about the coffee?” Don asked raising his brow.

”I'll drink it later”, he muttered and left the room without further explanation.

Don stared after him for awhile before he stood up sighing. Was this how it was gonna be for lord knows how long? If so, no matter how much comfort the man was to him, he would be forced to kick him out. This would do more harm than good, for the both of them.

After saving the already boiling coffee Don poured himself a cup and wandered back to the living room. Sipping the hot liquid he relished the flavor on his tongue. Bible had always known how to make good coffee, but this was light years away from the coffee he had made in Germany. For obvious reasons, of course.

His rambling thoughts were disturbed when his gaze was drawn to Bible's Book. Not able to stop himself, his fingers traced the lines of the Book. Picking the Book up Don stared at the worn, black leather cover. That book had seen some seriously fucked up things and war had gotten even to it. One dry stain looked awfully lot like blood.  
For a moment Don weighed it in his hands. He wanted to open it but somehow that felt wrong. It was Bible's. Sure, there were millions of copies with exactly the same words, but still felt like he was opening his diary. This book was Bible's, it had been with him through the war.

But it isn't a diary, Don argued with himself and opened it before he would come to other thoughts. Immediately a wave of shame hit him. He might just have opened his diary 'cause the Book opened there where Bible had stopped his reading. Don stared at the words and felt a shiver running down his spine. He recognized the text without efforts.

**Then I heard the voice of the Lord saying, “Whom shall I send? And who will go for us?”**

**And I said, “Here am I. Send me!”**

He put the Book down and pushed it away from his reach like it had burned him. He remembered vividly how Bible had cited precisely that chapter. Book of Isaiah, chapter six.

Don felt his head giving into squashing pressure. He didn't want to go back to those moments but it took all of his efforts to shove them back to the darkness. Don was pretty sure that there was a reason why he still didn't recall the memories from the crossroads. He didn't want that to change. Surely it would be wise to follow that instinct unless he wanted to have his whole world falling apart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To shut out feeling lonely; I get out of my head  
> Why would you want to love somebody when love hurts in the end?
> 
> -John Newman


	7. Undisclosed Desires

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This has actually started to live a life of its own. I'm not talking about huge growth or anything, but I'm fairly certain that this is going to have a few more chapters than just ten. That said, I won't yet change the numbers 'cause I don't know if it's only by two or three chapters. But you have been warned.

Don slipped inside as quietly as possible. The heavy wooden doors were in no way silent but he managed to close them without catching attention from others. He slid into the almost empty back row and received only a pair of curious glances.  
The sermon was already halfway and Don leaned back. The bench was hard and Don was sure that it was made that way so people wouldn't forget their sins in the room of the Lord. They were encouraged to suffer instead of finding forgiveness.

He didn't feel at peace here, ever. For the couple of first time he had really tried to listen. Tried to find something that obviously others here found. But he didn't find it. Still, he kept coming back, forcing himself to focus on the sermon.  
Although, it was a fact that his focus never lasted. Even now, only a few minutes after his arrival, his eyes were drifting to the front row. To the front row where he knew Bible would be sitting. And he wasn't disappointed. The man was there staring straight ahead as always. Don wasn't sure if he really kept coming back for the chance of actually finding peace or for Bible.

Nowadays the church seemed to be only place where Don could find him at ease. Back home he had grown cautious and tense ever after that kiss. Don had assumed that eventually they would talk about it. Not really talk, more like fight about it. That would have ended either Bible leaving or things clearing up.  
But that never happened. And now they there circling each other. There were times when he caught Bible watching him and he was so sure that now he would open his mouth but usually he felt his body giving in to the panic always creeping around him. He wasn't usually the one to avoid confrontation, but damn, this was way too personal for him. So, before anything could ever happen Don left the room leaving Bible looking sad and lonely and his own head dizzy.

The church was really the only place where Don could just watch his friend. Bible didn't know that Don was here every Sunday, after all he did arrive only when the sermon had already begun. He wanted it that way. He wanted his friend to have a place of his own where he could think but he still wasn't strong enough to let him have it all by himself. Don needed Bible, needed to see his friend relaxed. He missed him so much. It was stupid, really. The man lived under his roof. But they had lost it, the spark of trust between them. All because of Don.  
So, instead of talking to him, Don followed Bible to the church every Sunday. He did come here more often than only Sundays but had Don followed him every time Bible surely would have caught him. And he couldn't do that because this was Bible's thing, not his. But like this Don could at least pretend that everything was fine between them.

Bible sat straight and listened carefully but his shoulders were not in their usual stiff line. Envy flared in Don's mind. How was that even possible that the man could find such peace from God when real people around him just seemed to bug him. Don hadn't ever seen him make contact with the others but how would he even now. He always arrived late and left early.

Sighing Don stood up only to receive some resentful glances his way. He slipped outside and inhaled the brisk morning air. Making his way back to their place Don lit up his cigarette. He would need to get some more, there was only one left.

Don sat down on the front steps burying his head in his hands. He didn't like being in the house alone. Sure, things between him and Bible were rough at the time but he needed him. More than he liked to confess.  
Don raised his head to take another drag from his cigarette when he saw Bible standing in front of him. The man didn't look pleased at all. And the mass wasn't even over yet, at least it shouldn't be. 

”Get up”, he said and motioned Don to move from his way.

Don obeyed more out of surprise than anything else. Bible grabbed him by the shoulder and hauled him inside the house.

”What is wrong? What are you even doing here, the sermon isn't supposed to be over yet?” Don asked but didn't fight back.

”I know. I followed you.”

Don cursed under his breath but made a point to look Bible in his eyes.

”So, I go to the church sometimes. Not a big deal.”

The other man groaned out of frustration.

”Please, we both know that you are there every Sunday. I haven't said anything 'cause I thought it would make things better, maybe. But you are not coming around on your own. We need to talk”, Bible said pausing for a moment, letting his words get to Don, ”Seriously. You have acted weird ever since you kissed me. You have become withdrawn and grumpy and I just can't let you carry on that road.”

”Pretty big words coming from a guy that has ignored me this whole time.”

”I was giving you time to think it through.”

”By pretending I wasn't here? Nice job.”

The man groaned again in frustration. 

”Are you not listening to me? If I had confronted you about it immediately, you would have been gone as soon as possible. Either you would have counted it as a joke or totally panic and leave. Well, not leave since this is your house but...” Bible started hesitating with his words, rambling a bit.

Don noticed for the first time that the man was actually more nervous than anything. It was fascinating. He had seen him as cold, uneasy, neglecting and all those other things this past week but never nervous. Don wasn't even sure had he ever seen Bible that down right nervous as at the moment.

So, when Bible took a step towards him Don didn't flinch away. But he just couldn't let this go either.

”I don't know what you are trying to do here but stop. Stop it. It's a bit too late for that”, Don growled as he stubbed out his cigarette that had already burned down.

”I'm here trying to work things out. Don't quit on me. We can work this out, I can make things better for you”, Bible almost pleaded to Don's turned back.

”What if you are the thing keeping me from moving on? What if you make matters worse?” Don asked quietly, no real fire behind his words.

Still, he meant every word. Don glanced sideways at Bible and registered his offended face. Good, maybe that would finally make the other man to understand. But instead of giving up, his hurt changed to anger. Apparently, now Don was hurting Bible's manly pride.

”Rather thick words coming from a man who follows me around every Sunday, Lord knows why. You need me, believe it or not. Be it the nightmares or your shoulder but you need me”, Bible grinned angrily.

Usually Don would have lashed out. He had a short temper and was an expert using it to his advantage. He needed nobody. But this was Bible provoking him and Don had been down that road a couple of times. The man knew exactly where to cut him. And most of the time that would lead to Don closing up and Bible feeling crushingly sorry. Therefore he started to make his way to the door desiring an easy escape.

”Yeah, turn around and leave this shit behind you. Why won't you grab a bottle on your way out?”

Don stopped dead and felt coldness sweeping over him before it was replaced by slowly burning rage. It hurt. It hurt him to know that Bible was willing to go that far to gain the upper hand. He was used to their staring contests but it was rare that the man opened his mouth to consciously hurt him.

Before Don could say anything back there was a loud exploding noise outside and both men took cover automatically diving to the floor. The floor met him with hardness and Don froze.  
It had been too long, it didn't come to him what he was supposed to do. Not in here, where there shouldn't be any bombs or mines. Not when he didn't even have his gun.

Don clenched his fists at his side as the warm escaped his limbs. He couldn't do this anymore, not again. If he just had his gun, it would all be over in a matter of seconds. He wouldn't have to watch anyone die ever again.

”Don, do you hear me?”

The voice came from a distance but it was recognizable. Bible. He was alive and didn't sound pained. But he really shouldn't call him Don. This was a battlefield, he was his commander.

”Do you hear me? It wasn't a bomb”, the voice assured.

He staggered when Bible shook him and realised that he should do something. He should do something but he chose to cleave to the other man's words, sweet lies telling him everything was alright, calming his racing heart.

”Do you hear me? We are safe.”

”I need my gun”, Don whispered trying to sound strong and confident.

Instead his voice came out sounding strained and ragged. Panic grasped his heart again. He couldn't even control his own voice.

”No, listen. Do you hear it? There are no explosions, no shootings. There is not even silence. You can hear the children playing, can't you?” Bible responded soothingly.

As Don focused on the sounds outside, he felt cool hand stroking his hair. The whole time as he struggled through the darkness that had numbed his senses Bible kept pointing him sounds that told about life, not death. Birds singing, cars humming, children laughing.

”You know, I was fooled too. I was so certain that I was back in Germany. But then I realised that it wasn't possible. It was nothing. Just some cars tailpipe.”

Don wanted to plead him to promise that everything was alright. He didn't though. But there wasn't a single amount hesitation to be heard in Bible's voice and Don was again grasping the hold on reality. He was in awkward position, half sitting half laying on Bible's lap. The floor underneath him was cold and hard and he could hear Bible's breathing, slightly agitated. His own breathing was grotesque, still too shallow and ragged. His forehead and hair was wet with sweat but it didn't seem to mind Bible who was still stroking his hair.

”Yeah Don, just like that. Breathe with me”, Bible said and even though Don didn't see his face he could tell that the man was smiling widely.

Concentrating on the rises and falls of Bible's body Don could steady his own breathing. As he was calming down he started to wriggle feeling embarrassed. But Bible wrapped his hands tighter around him and Don was still too weak to really push back.

”Shh, wait a moment. I know how exhausting those can be”, Bible whispered in his ear making Don's skin tingle.

It was nothing compared to the sensation when he felt Bible's lips landing on his hair moment later. Ignoring his wavering legs Don pushed himself up and stared at the man.

”Stop. Don't do that”, Don breathed out hating how weak his voice still sounded.

”Why?” Bible asked.

”I can't. You mess my head with your... I don't even know what you are doing”, Don frowned taking a few wobbly steps back.

Bible stood up also and in an instant was right in front of Don. He raised his hand, slowly, and placed it on Don's cheek. Caressing the skin with his thumb he leaned forward seriously crossing anybody's opinion about personal space.

”I'm sorry”, he said looking Don straight into his eyes. 

Feeling uneasy Don tried to move backwards but Bible's other hand kept him nailed to his place.

”That isn't really helping, you know”, Don laughed feeling heat building up on his cheeks.

A soft smile crossed Bible's face as he leaned even closer so that their breaths mingled together. Moving slow, so slow that it was obviously about letting Don having a chance to back down, Bible closed the inches between their faces. As his eyes fluttered closed Don couldn't anymore fool himself. The man was going to kiss him. And he was about to panic.

But as their lips met it took only half a second for Don to melt into Bible's touch and find himself kissing back like this was the most normal thing to happen. It was so different from that night that had happened like a lifetime ago. It was gentle, careful. It was only their lips but it was enough. Hell, it was more than enough for Don. This was Boyd, all of him. Boyd, who was clinging to him not like a drowning in need, but like a someone who simply wanted to.  
Their lips moved together repeating the same choreography over and over again probing their merged lips' shapes. It felt easy, natural. There wasn't anymore anxiety raging inside him, no more burning flames or freezing waves. There was only warm tingling, like electricity buzzing inside Don.

Catching his breath Bible finally broke their kiss but Don didn't let the man take even one step away from him. He hadn't even noticed but his arms had wrapped around the other man's waist at some point. Though the man didn't seem to mind.

”Oh my God”, Don blurted before he could catch himself.

”You shall not say His name in vain”, Bible chuckled, still a little bit out of breath.

”Seriously? That is all you got to say?” Don muttered knowing that it wasn't the only thing the Bible forbid.

Bible didn't answer, only smiled and rested his forehead against Don's. A warm sensation filled him as Bible's hand settled on his neck, his fingers playing with little hairs on his nape. Their noses rested against each others.

”What was that even?” Don asked quietly, not wanting to disturb the calm atmosphere.

”I don't know. But I would really like to try and find out”, Bible answered and turned his head a little bit so that their noses slid past each other.

The movement allowed their lips to touch again and for a moment Don hesitated. He couldn't help but to think how bad it would be if this turned south. Or how he should feel disgusted. But the man in front of him was too much. He couldn't say no.

He leaned into the kiss letting his hands find the small of Boyd's back. It was all about learning how their lips moved together, how Boyd tasted. And Don couldn't be happier about the fact that he didn't taste like tears and smoke. No, he tasted more pure somehow. It was actually surprising how much Don enjoyed it. For him kissing had always been only means to the end. Something passionate but never gentle like this. Though Don could imagine that this was the only way Bible was able to kiss someone. Like his wife.  
As the image popped up in his mind he broke the kiss rather abruptly. Bible's eyes opened slowly like he was waking up from a sleep that was still lurking in the corners of his mind.

”I know this is a lot to take in right now. For me too. But I have been thinking for weeks now that I should have answered your kiss when I had a chance. It was a bit of a surprise, but... I... You're special Don”, Bible mumbled against his neck leaning his head against his shoulder.

Don opened his mouth but didn't know what to say. Of course Bible was special to him too. But saying those words would make him even more vulnerable in this situation. Hell, he didn't even know what this situation was. Even without seeing him Bible must have noticed his struggle and he hushed his yet nonexistent words.

”Don't say anything. I know I'm a mess. I know you are a mess too. Maybe it would be better if we just forget all that happened. Or... Maybe we should just let things run their own course and hang along. There is no need to complicate things beforehand”, Bible continued his mumbling.

”You talk awfully lot when you're in reality suggesting that we shouldn't be talking about this”, Don said but softened his words with a little laugh.

He felt the man sneer against his shirt's collar and shrug his shoulders. Somehow his bearing was still stiff and Don realised that the man was waiting for his answer.

”Count me as in.”

”You...?”

”I want to be mess with you”, Don whispered and although it felt weird he kissed Bible's hair.

The man let out a joyous laugh and backed down though not letting go of Don's hand. There were lines around his eyes but this time they were soft. The whole man was radiating warmth that made Don want to nuzzle back to his lap. At the same time it felt freeing that he wasn't anymore being held by the man and he could set his thoughts in order.

” You can stand on your own again?” Bible ensured smiling softly before releasing Don's hand.

Don nodded and was left watching as the man turned around  to leave him alone again. Don couldn't stop doubts clouding his thoughts but one thing was for sure. This was going to be interesting.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”You may be a sinner  
> But your innocence is mine”
> 
> -Muse


	8. All of Me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I'm so sorry that this update is so late. Once again, I sincerely promise that I will write this fic to its bittersweet end, but my summer schedule is crazy. I have a new job that requires writing so I don't usually feel like opening my laptop after work. I still try to keep my once in a month pace but don't worry if it drags a little behind.

Don sat at the kitchen table drinking his coffee when he heard Bible coming into the room. Immediately he raised his head from his newspaper and gave the man a smile. As the other man answered with a smile that you could best describe as shy Don couldn't help but chuckle a little. He turned his attention back to the paper trying hard to keep his face in control. These days smiling came way too easily, too naturally. It felt great, though.  
It had only been a couple of weeks since their kiss that Don now thought as their first but they had fallen easily back to their earlier easygoing situation. There was no talking about feelings, no exaggerated endearments. There were only occasional kisses, some shared touches and stolen glances. They took it slow and it was fine by Don. Apparently Bible didn't mind either.

”Anything special there?” Bible asked as he helped himself to coffee.

”Nothing really”, Don answered, keeping reading, although he was pretty sure that the article about Krauts' casualties was made from whole cloth.

Why did they even write about this stuff anymore?

Don already knew how their mornings proceeded. It started normally, like any morning would start between good friends: chatting, coffee and generally casual mood. It was like their days were written, always warming up slowly but steadily.  
But now Don was enjoying the looks that Bible gave him as he thought that Don was too engrossed in reading to notice. Sometimes the man was so lost in his thoughts that he forgot that he was chewing his breakfast. But Don was content that nowadays he seemed not too indulged in sadness but instead something entirely else.

After finishing the newspaper Don folded it and swallowed the rest of his coffee. Standing up he made his way to the other side of the table, right next to Bible.

”You wanna read this?” Don asked putting the paper in front of him before he had even time to answer.

”Sure”, Bible shrugged as Don traced the line of his shoulders with his fingers as he walked past him.

Don smiled by himself as the man leaned in even to that brief touch. Hiding the smile tugging at the corner of his lips Don headed outside for a smoke. They both smoked so it didn't exactly bother either of them to smoke inside but Don enjoyed his morning cigarette better outside. It was above all practical. This way he always had some time for his thoughts. He could sit there by himself and give some space for Bible and himself.

They always needed time in the mornings. They hadn't slept in the same room after their agreement on their established relationship and Don would have found it awkward to jump right into the kissing.  
It had nothing to do with Don's feeling. He really liked the other man. More than liked, although Don couldn't pinpoint that feeling yet. But it took time forcing himself to act like it was natural to kiss a man, to kiss Bible. He had been raised in a world where the only natural love was between man and woman and it would take time to chance his perspectives.  
Even though Bible made him feel that he had finally found his place in this world sometimes his thoughts tore him in half. He was content, even happy whenever he was with him but the moment he was alone his thoughts began buzzing.  
  
Don wasn't a homophobic. No, he had always thought that everyone had a right to love whoever they wanted if they were foolish enough to fall in love in the first place. But it was different when it came down on yourself.

Don put out his cigarette and rubbed his face sighing. How it was even possible to be so whole and so shattered at the same time?  
Careful not to use his bad shoulder Don stand up and went back inside. He always seemed to pull himself together when he was near Bible. It had always been that way and hadn't changed even now.

Don didn't actively seek the man so he walked past the kitchen straight to the living room. Don didn't complain though when he saw Bible sitting there with his Book in his hands. Don leaned onto the doorpost letting his eyes rest on the man.  
It didn't take him long to notice that something was off. Bible's stance was rigid and as Don watched he took his reading glasses and set them on the table rubbing his eyes. The hand moved to his forehead massaging it like Bible was trying to avoid headache.

”Is something wrong?” Don asked staying out of the room in case the man wanted privacy.

Bible startled obviously noticing Don only then.

”No, not actually”, Bible answered slowly dragging his words.

”But...?”

Bible squeezed his eyes but didn't look at Don. For a moment they were both silent but Don waited for Bible to speak up first. The man clearly pondered what to say. Finally he closed the Book on his lap and turned slightly to face Don.

”Do you ever think about all you have done?”

Don wrinkled his forehead and thought carefully what to say. The man looked troubled and it sounded awfully lot like Bible was talking about them.  
Seriously, it had been only a matter of time. Man that religious couldn't just keep ignoring what the Book said.

As Don kept silent gathering his own thoughts, Bible continued: ”I mean. We killed a lot of people. Was it really justified?”

Don opened his mouth in surprise. He hadn't waited that. All the same, he couldn't stand the glassy look on Bible's face anymore.

”They were Krauts.”

”And they are humans too.”

”You know that they would have killed us if we hadn't killed them first”, Don said walking closer.

”Does it make killing justified?” Bible questioned chewing his lower lip subconsciously.

”I'm not sure”, Don answered truthfully.

”It didn't bother me there. The killing.”

”So why now?” Bible fell silent, looking so absolutely devastated that Don wanted to hold him and never let go.

Maybe the man would have let him do that but Don settled for crouching in front of him and taking his hands.

”It bothers me that it doesn't bother me”, the man finally confessed whispering, shutting his eyes closed managing to look so disappointed in himself.

Don frowned in confusion. He didn't quite catch the meaning in his words. The man was distressed, it was obvious. He was rocking himself back and forth, his eyes closed and his mouth in a straight line.

”Back in Africa, I used to be on the edge all the time. I know I had to kill if I wanted to live and more importantly to keep you, my crew alive. But it didn't feel good, right. I was going to be a minister, how could I ever do that after the things I had done. But I didn't choose this myself. I didn't choose the circumstances where I had been thrown, circumstances that molded me through my actions. So after a while the guilt and everything else kinda grew numb.”

Don stayed silent but didn't let go of Bible's hands. He was clearly trying to stop tears from coming. It was hard even for Don to watch Bible swallowing so hard that his Adam's apple was bobbing uncomfortably.

”I was content with that. I was a good Christian, better than most. But then Norman came along”, Bible continued and his frown deepened.

Don startled a bit with the mention of Norman's name but he wasn't about to interrupt. It was obviously hard enough for Bible even now.

”The kid was offering his life. He was willing to die because he didn't want to kill. And he didn't just say it, he meant it. And all I could think was that I should have that same reaction. I should have had that but I didn't. Never, even in the beginning.”

”But even Norman came to his senses”, Don pointed out not wanting to hear anymore Bible's self-hatred.

”Came to his senses? Or did we just ruin him too? Telling him that violence is the solution”, Bible said finally looking at Don.

There was obvious revulsion on his face. Don couldn't help but to think that some of it was directed to him too.

”Violence isn't the solution but sometimes it is the only way”, he answered stiffly letting Bible's hand slip away, ”And we didn't ruin Norman. Norman was something special. He still is."

”You have seen him. He is just as much wrecked as we are”, Bible retorted but sighed and raised his hand to his temple.

”I didn't ruin Norman!” Don roared.

Bible looked at him and Don was forced to turn his eyes away. He did feel responsible for all that the kid must have gone through and it was written all over his face, at least for Bible.

For a moment, Bible kept looking at him like searching something but finally sighed and continued: ”What I'm saying, is that I don't feel it. I don't feel guilty about taking all those lives. Not guilty enough.”

Don turned back to see that the man was breathing little unsteadily. Instinctively he leaned forward placing his head between his knees.

”Don't do that to yourself. You are a good man. How could I have any chances if you don't have?” Don asked gently.

He reached towards the man and settled his palms on his knees.

”Look at me”, he said bringing a bit of command to his voice.

For a while, Bible kept looking at the floor but ultimately he raised his head. He looked so torn, all emotions bared. Sadness and rage mingled together, and Don was feeling all of it like he was linked to Bible. Don raised his fingers to the other man's jaw and clenched it tightly.

”Listen to me. You are the best man I have ever known. You are a good, righteous man.”

He meant it. He had seen the darkest side of humanity and Boyd was nowhere near that. He wasn't a saint, not even to Don, but he was something more real. He had done things that were best left unsaid but he had also hunched beside every dying man when it was too much for the others.  
Don wasn't sure if he was going to make things worse but he leaned in and brushed his lips against Bible's. Momentarily the man stiffened but relaxed into his touch eyes closed. It was a gentle kiss, Don not wanting to push too much, only offering comfort.

”I think I don't even deserve you”, Don mumbled against Bible's forehead as he let his lips wander there.

”If I am not allowed to wallow in self-pity, then the same goes to you too”, Bible pointed out sighing.

The man pressed himself closer to Don's body and Don tightened his hold despite their awkward position.

”Aren't we the best couple ever? Pulling ourselves to shore one after the other”, Bible chuckled but sounded still weary.

All the same, Don couldn't help but to smile. It was still pretty unbelievable to hear something like that but warmness embraced him as he caught the word couple. It wasn't the word itself, it was more about the man who used it.  
Bible answered to his smile and leaned his head against Don's shoulder. Don winced a little but Bible was already drifting away and didn't seem to notice.

"Stand up. You're going to fall asleep right there”, Don said propping him up eager to get the pressure away from his bad shoulder.

”But I just woke up”, Bible whined not opening his eyes.

”And now you are going back to sleep. Did you even sleep last night?” Don asked as the other man forced his eyes open.

”I did. Maybe not that much. I had some nightmares”, he confessed finally raising his head.

Don frowned. He should have noticed earlier. Even though their new, more profound relationship was already somehow an anchor for Don in his messed up life, it didn't miraculously fix all things.

”You need to sleep. It helps you to sort out your thoughts.”

”I'm alright”, Bible insisted and tried to step away from Don.

Don raised his brow in disbelief and didn't let go of him. Bible sighed exasperated and pushed himself away from Don. It was a slight push, little irritated but nothing like picking up a real fight. Don still felt it sting nastily in his shoulder and hissed in pain.  
Bible winced at the noise before understanding sunk in. With a few quick steps Bible was again in Don's space yanking his shirt over his shoulder.

”Why didn't you say anything?” the man scowled running his fingers over the bare skin.

”It's not that bad”, Don muttered trying to yank the shirt back but Bible was clenching it too tightly.

”Not that bad? Have you seen your back?” Bible asked and his frown deepened as he turned Don to see his back.

Don shrugged his shoulders but couldn't deny that even the tiny movement hurt.  
It looked well enough on the front where he could take care of it himself. Really, there was only a glimmering scar, although it did look a little red from the edges. The real problem was his back, obviously.  
With all that had been going on with him and Bible the past few months, he really hadn't paid attention to his wound. And it wouldn't have even mattered 'cause there was no way that he could have taken care of it itself. It took all of his concentration to even try once in a while do something about it, not to speak cleansing it every day.

”You're such an idiot. I know that things were off for a while but I would have taken care of this, of you”, Bible muttered yanking his shirt now completely off from him.

Don bit his tongue so not to say anything incisive. He was only worried, Don could see that as he watched Bible's frown. It was still hard, adjusting to thought that somebody cared.

”Wait there”, Bible sighed and left the room.

At least Don had taken Bible's mind from his dark thoughts. Maybe it was worth it to sit down and submit to being pampered.

He didn't have to wait long for Bible's return and now the man seemed to be more in control of his frustration on Don. Don closed his eyes as he felt Bible's fingers running on his skin. He had done this number of times, cleansed the wound and put some antiseptic cream on it, but this felt different.  
Sure, there had been a long pause when Don had taken care of it himself when things had been awkward between them, but it wasn't an explanation. If that would have been the case, Bible would have been extra cautious and careful. Now his touch felt more daring, more curious.  
It didn't hurt, but Don couldn't help but to stiffen a little when his touch started to wander along the other scars on his back. Bible seemed to notice that too 'cause for a moment his fingers stopped, resting against Don's skin.

”Well, how does it look?” Don asked clearing his throat.

He could almost hear Bible's sad smile on his voice when he answered: ”Awful.”

Don let out a bitter laugh but fell silent as he felt Bible's lips against his neck.

”But they are part of you. We all look like that inside”, he muttered and Don shivered at the warm sensation on his skin.

”We were supposed to go sleeping”, Don reminded steadying his breathing.

”I don't want to”, Bible whined mouth still against Don's skin.

It could have sounded suggestive but Don knew better.

”The more you sleep the fewer your nightmares will become.”

He could feel the wavering breath that the man behind him took. After a moment he felt the fingers moving again on his skin, but this time they were moving absent-mindedly.

”Come with me?” Bible proposed as he finally finished tending Don's wound.

Don hummed in agreement and let Bible lead him, for the first time, to the upstairs. He hesitated for a moment but finally made their way to Don's room, to the master bed room.  
Bible stopped at the door and stared at the bed looking slightly nauseous. Don tried to say something but all his words got caught in his throat. Sighing, he just took off his shoes and lay down to the other side of the bed. His movements seemed to startle Bible and the other man shivered as he claimed rest of the bed after removing his outerwear.

They lay there silent for a while, unnaturally stiff and not daring to move. Don worried his lower lip not sure whether he should try to fall asleep or try to offer comfort for Bible. Pressing his nails to his palms he clenched his eyes shut.  
He was overthinking this, again. He could feel how his breathing picked up its pace. What was he doing, laying there with a married man...  
He heard a silent, supressed sob and the next second he could feel Bible's body solid against his. Deciding it better not to open his eyes Don snaked his arm around the other man offering comfort without acknowledging his obvious distress aloud. Holding him, focusing entirely on him, it seemed easier to understand all of this.

Boyd pressed even more against him and nuzzled his wet face against Don's bare upperbody. In Don's tight embrace it didn't take long before Boyd's shivering body relaxed and the man drifted to sleep. Don gathered the man better in his arms and lowered his lips to his hair murmuring softly: ”Good night Bible.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ”My head's underwater  
> But I'm breathing fine  
> You're crazy and I'm out of my mind”
> 
> -John Legend


	9. Collar Full

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> AH, finally. The long due update is here. And now I really, really promise that the updates will go back to being frequent. So, expect one update per month.  
> I'm actually pretty nervous about this chapter. It wasn't supposed to be like this, but it kinda just wrote itself? In the end, I think I like it.  
> On top of that, you maybe noticed already, but I changed the rating to mature. There is some graphic scenes in this chapter (nothing bad really) and later on there will be pretty dark topics, so... Better safe than sorry!

There was a humming noise near Don’s ear. It wasn’t what woke Don up, though. That was the touch ghosting over his back.  
For a moment he stiffened, but then Bible’s voice carried to his ears.

”It’s me”, he said simply and continued to hum something familiar.

Maybe a hymn?

Don forced himself to relax. They had made a habit of sleeping in the same bed, but it still felt odd sometimes.  
Just as he was getting his muscles to loosen up, the touch disappeared. Waiting for movement, he didn’t feel the bed to shift under the other man’s weight, but as he turned around Bible was nowhere to be seen and the door was slightly open. Groaning, he rolled to Bible’s side. The sheets felt cool against his bare skin.  
How long had he laid here alone, Don blinked.

A glance to the window told him that it was only early morning. They had at last managed to get their routines straight so that the days and nights didn’t anymore bleed together leaving them sleeping at the oddest hours.  
It was about the war, like everything else in their lives was nowadays. It had left a fatique, deep in their bones that didn’t fade away.  
There were days that Don didn’t want to leave the bed. There were days that Bible vanished and didn’t say a word. But they learned to adapt, little by little.

Don rose slowly and made his way downstairs. It didn’t take long to find Bible sitting beside the window, watching out.  
Don walked past him, fingers itching. His fingers were always itching to reach out for Bible and just touch, but he resisted the temptation like most of the times. All those small touches had become more and more frequent, but every one of them was also a risk. The risk of getting deeper detached to something that wasn’t his even in the beginning.

”You have a session today?” Bible asked suddenly, still not facing Don.

Don startled, feeling almost ashamed for some reason. He couldn’t keep track of the days and therapy wasn’t his number one concern.

”Yeah, I think so.”

”You ever talk about me?”

That was one question he hadn’t expected.

”Why would I do that?” he asked sitting down warily trying to make eye contact.

Finally, Bible glanced his way. There was a funny look on his eyes, but he didn’t say anything. For a moment he held Don’s eyes before shrugging.

”It could help.”

”With what?” Don asked sharply knowing that he was now utterly on the defensive.

”To figure it out”, Bible answered sliding to his feet and leaving Don alone.

What the hell was that about? Sometimes the man was more cryptic than his namesake, the actual Book. Schooling his annoyance back to place Don grabbed his jacket and headed out.

* * *

 

Don was fuming.

He had already been angry in his confusion when he had gone to see the shrink. The man had of course picked that up. Some tough questions had followed that Don didn’t feel like answering. And like that wasn’t enough the shrink had decided to talk about other peoples importance.  
It was apparently hard to achieve steady relationships after living in a war with a punch of other peoples that often become like a family. People that you just kept losing no matter what you did.  
Then the talk had turned to his crew like it always did. But now the shrink had been asking about them person by person. And when the shrink had started talking about Bible, or Mister Swan, as he had put it…  
It felt wrong. The questions were wrong too. Most of them were concerning guilt and other things that you shouldn’t have to talk about. Honestly, Don shut down at some point when it became too much. All the same, he didn’t answer any of the questions.

He knew that most of the soldiers didn’t have to go trough this kind of interrogation. He couldn’t figure out what made him so special that he had to. Hell, maybe they were wishing to get him back together if the war struck again so they could ship him away.  
Only that he hadn’t yet figured out how it helped at all that he could describe his feels of loss. Or maybe he was just so messed up that shrinks had fought over the chance to get a look inside his head.

Don slammed the front door shut with too much force and it bounced back. Growling inside his mind he closed it more efficiently this time, but with no gentleness.

He was sick of thinking about everything he had lost. About everything that was lost because of him. After all, the war hadn’t succeeded to take everything away from him, Don realised as Bible appeared in front of him.

“What’s wrong?” he asked furrowing his brows.

Don didn’t answer. Instead, he closed the distance between them and smashed his lips roughly against the other man’s mouth. Leaving him no time to think or space to breath, Don grabbed Bible’s neck and dragged him closer.  
For a moment, they just kissed. Hard, harder than ever before. Considering their messed up lives their kisses had always been gentle. Like two dancers finding the same rhythm, it had been careful. Two men always on the verge of breaking, so gentle it was.  
But now Don didn’t care if he was about to break something.

“What are you doing?” Bible panted against his mouth, but Don only pushed more.

Shoving his hand roughly under the other man’s shirt, he felt him shiver violently. Bible’s skin was cool to touch. Smooth, too smooth. Wasn’t there suppose to be scars somewhere near his…  
To his surprise, Don could feel Bible’s tongue sliding against his lips, forcing them more open. He didn’t have time to come over his bafflement when there were also hands on his torso. For now they were moving over his clothes, but he could feel them making their way closer, pressing harder as if to feel skin even through all the layers. And it didn’t take long before Bible’s hands were tugging at the hem of Don’s shirt.

“Yes, yes, yes”, Don muttered as the other man took a step back.

Releasing his hold Don took off his shirt in a matter of seconds leaving his dog tags clinging around his neck. Discarding the now useless piece of cloth Don backed Bible against the wall with such force that something crashed to the floor.

Don bit back the moan that was about to escape his lips as he felt Bible’s hand roaming his skin. His touch was like ice against his own flustered skin. Burying his head against Bible’s neck Don let his teeth graze against the smaller man’s pulse point. The noise that Bible let out…  
Don felt himself shiver in time with a shuddering breath that he could feel against his body.

“I want you”, Don whispered against Bible’s neck.

Bible stiffened for a second before his whole body shuddered violently and his right hand’s fingers dug deeply into the flesh of his back.

If Don was already hellbound, he could as well crash and burn with a bang. And if Bible was willing to burn hand in hand…  
Who was he to stop him?

Bible’s hand slid from his lower back to his neck, grabbing it forcefully. As his hand touched the infected skin on Don’s shoulder on its way, Don could feel a jolt of pain and pleasure rush through him.

“You can have me”, Bible breathed and yanked his dog tag so that Don tumbled even closer to him.

“Bedroom?” Don asked not giving himself time to second guess anything.

Bible let out an undignified squeak that Don felt go straight to his core. Crash and burn, crash and burn. That was what he needed. Maybe even what Bible needed.

Finding no more words Don dragged Bible upstairs, not letting their lips part. The stairs proved to be a bit of a struggle, but Don was nothing but persistent.  
Still, when they reached the bedroom Don halted.

“You sure?” Bible asked and gave him space.

Space that was totally unwanted, Don was already too far gone.  
He nodded and used their lips’ parting to his benefit and yanked Bible’s shirt away. He wasn’t as muscular as Don but the lean body was perfect as it pressed itself against him. It caused goosebumps all over his upper body.

“This isn’t too fast?”

How fucked up that even was that out of the two of them, Bible was more confident. But to hell with doubts, Bible’s lips were already melting them away.

“I lived through war. With you. I think our lives were forged together there”, Don breathed as Bible mouthed his skin just beneath his ear.

“But this means… You are tying yourself to me, it’s not good. You gotta have something else to live for”, the man answered sounding sad and his mouth left Don’s skin.

Don sighed unhappily before his mind even understood what Bible had said. Frowning he tried to catch Bible’s eyes but the man leaned his forehead against Don’s own.

“I don’t need anything more”, Don answered but Bible was already interrupting him.

“We waited too long”, he sighed.

“There was a war and we were living in a tank with three other men.”

“We waited too long. Way too long”, Bible repeated, sounding heartbroken, almost like not hearing Don at all.

But there was no time for Don to react as the touch from his forehead disappeared and reappeared against his lips. All worries and sadness were forgotten as their lips moved together. It was like kissing a whole new person for they had never kissed like this, hungrily, competing for dominance.  
Their bare upper bodies intertwined before Bible pushed Don to the bed. Grabbing his arm Don dragged Bible along with him and the man collapsed on top of him. Quickly, Don rolled them so that he was on top. Surprisingly that caused a low growl from the other man and he sank his teeth above Don’s collarbone. Don startled so badly that it was easy for Bible to flip them again. After that Bible leaned closer and let his tongue swipe against the spot that he had bitten.

“Bible, what…?”

“You don’t want it gentle, yes? You need it like this.”

It wasn’t a question, but Bible stopped anyway, hovering over him. And he was right.  
This was so far from everything that Don had had before with women. Don sure as hell had never been manhandled. Women were more delicate, willing to let him take control. But he had never expected Bible to be so… Rough. Although now that he had tasted it, it felt right and wrong at the same time.

“But you aren’t like this?”

This was a question. It didn’t matter how well Don thought that he knew Bible, there was always something more. Had always been.

“I can be. For you.”

“But I want you.”

“You really think that a killer would kiss you with gentle lips? Caress you with hands reddened from others’ blood? I don’t know what I am.”

The words were spoken like a pained whisper, disappearing into silence. Something inside Don clicked as he felt unshed tears burning his eyes. Surging forward, he found Boyd’s lips again as Don’s hands locked behind his neck.

“You’re mine”, Don breathed into Boyd’s mouth.

Don could feel Boyd’s eyes closing as his eyelashes fluttered against Don’s cheek. The noise that came out of Boyd’s mouth was something between sobbing and moaning. Whatever it was, his hand was already sliding down Don’s bare skin stopping only for a moment before reaching to unbuckle his belt. Don took that as his cue to do the same to Boyd’s belt.  
As he got it open Boyd was already hurrying Don’s pants down. Don raised his hips so that his trousers slid effortlessly down his legs, but that didn’t hurt either that the movement brought their bodies flush together. A moan escaped Don’s lips as Boyd palmed him through his boxers, but there was no time for embarrassment as he leaned into the touch.  
Still wearing his own pants Boyd made his way down and pressed a simple kiss to Don’s inner thigh. Don raised his hands to push Boyd’s trousers out of the way, as he still could form coherent thoughts. The other man paused kissing his skin and kicked his pants off with his socks. Now there was only their boxers and dog tags covering their skin.

As Don rose to meet Boyd’s lips again, he switched their positions and grinded their hips together causing their dog tags to get tangled. Nothing was more satisfying than seeing Boyd’s eyes slip closed as his breath caught in his throat.  
Don could already feel inhuman warmness seeping from his body, but Boyd felt as cool as ever. It was like the man could never get warm again, but damn it felt good against his sweaty skin. And as Boyd’s hands slid between his back and sheets…  
He could swear that his heart missed its beats. When before their touches had been violent and rough, now Boyd was caressing his ruined skin like a mother would touch her baby’s cheek. It was more familiar type of touch coming from Boyd, but not any less satisfying.

“Bible… What I feel for you…”, Don whispered trying to keep his voice in control.

The thing was that Don’s back didn’t feel touch as his other parts did. It was way more sensitive than that and sometimes even a gentle touch registered as excruciating pain. Now though…  
The touch sent shivers of pleasure so great that Don couldn’t take it. He could not think straight.

“I think I lo…”

Too much, was everything in Don’s mind as Boyd cut Don’s words and kissed him senseless.

Suddenly Don was manhandled to his stomach against the mattress and Boyd was undressing his boxers. Both of their boxers, if Don could trust his senses at all anymore.  
It wasn’t right. It was supposed to be Don in control, not Boyd. His muscles coiled tightly, but then Boyd covered Don’s body with his now completely bare body. His cool skin felt like heaven against the scarred back and Don relaxed automatically.  
Don felt the weight on his body as Boyd leaned closer to his ear humming.

“Can I? Can you give me the control?” he breathed teasingly, but still asking.

Don shivered. He hadn’t ever felt so exposed, so at the mercy of someone else. This time he could easily flip their positions and maintain the change, Boyd wouldn’t resist, he knew it. But maybe it wasn't his job to be the man in command, not anymore.

“Take me”, Don whispered and closed his eyes even though they were already staring only at the whiteness of the pillow.

Boyd pressed a kiss to Don’s good shoulder blade and slid his hands to Don’s ass. Don heard a spitting noise and without any more warnings there was a finger inside him. Hiding his grunt to the pillow Don let Boyd decide the pace.  
The build-up to this moment had at least seemed slow, but now the man was working him open quickly, like being afraid of time running out. Or maybe rough was the way for them, tonight.

It hurt like hell. Don had never felt anything so raw.  
Still, in pain there was pleasure. In pleasure, there was pain. The line between the two feelings was flickering. And when the Boyd entered him…

The sensations were overwhelming. The burning inside him, cool body pressing against his back, scraping his scars, loud breathing in sync with his uneven breathing…  
It was everything, and not nearly enough.

* * *

Don felt… Fulfilled. There was really no other word to describe it. Happy would have sounded childish and not nearly enough to describe his feelings.  
But lying there in bed, Bible nuzzling him. Don hadn’t felt so at home for a long time, not ever since the war started.

Bible was silent, drawing circles to his back that was against him. Don’s whole body was aching and weary, but the touch still managed to make shivers run straight through the ruined skin to his core.  
Don couldn’t stop a soft moan escaping his lips. That caused a quiet laughter erupting behind him and quick kiss pressed to his shoulder.

“We should get up”, Bible said, but didn’t do anything to move.

“I don’t want to”, Don answered and pulled Bible’s arm more tightly around his torso.

Another laugh and: “I know. I don’t want either, but we have to.”

“Give the man the power once and he will think that he rules the world”, Don muttered, but crawled out of the bed.

“I heard that. And you know… If you don’t want me to get all like this, then you should consider better in which situations you decide to…” Bible smirked, but paused as Don throw a pillow to his head.

Don put his boxers back on as Bible laughed at the bed, quietly but comfortingly content. As Don turned to look him, the man was lying with his eyes closed, trying to get his shit together. Don let his gaze wander across the bare body and took a step back towards the bed when a distant noise stopped him.

Sighing, Don turned again and made his way downstairs where the phone was ringing. Not many had this number and he had only a couple of days ago set it working.  
Reaching for the receiver Don wondered briefly who the caller was, but his mind was on Bible who was making his way down the stairs.

“Collier.”

Amazingly, he was already clothed, although very lightly.

“Don! I have tried to get hold of you the whole day!”

All thoughts slipped from Don’s mind as he heard the voice that would haunt his nightmares for the rest of his life.

“I wasn’t home, I had…”

Don stopped himself in time, but he sent Bible a questioning look. He should have been home. The man answered with curiosity in his eyes.

“Doesn’t matter. I was calling you that I finally made it back home. Again. And I was thinking if I could come to see you? I mean… If it’s alright?”

There was a little nervousness in the voice that Don couldn’t quite understand. He clanced in the mirror hanging on the wall near the phone and stared at his own, bare upper body.

“Don…?”                       

There were no visible marks on his skin. Not even a scratch. How funny.

“I’m actually halfway on my way over there, but I can always…”

“No, of course. Look, I gotta go. Give me a few hours and then you can come”, Don answered and lowered the receiver before he could hear the answer.

Don stared at Bible for a moment in silence. The other man answered to his gaze, but didn’t say anything. Instead, he just searched his pocket for a cigarette and light it up. Only when Bible was exhaling the first smokes and offering it to Don, opened Don his mouth grabbing the cigarette.

“So, Norman called.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "‘Cause there’s always time for second guesses, I don’t wanna know  
> If you’re gonna be the death of me, that’s how I wanna go"
> 
> -Panic! At the Disco


	10. A Sadness Runs Through Him

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Woooaaah! With this update the apple of my eye is officially the longest Fury fic here. And what else... Oh yeah, I started writing this over a year ago. Crazy. Thank you to readers and commenters, this wouldn't be fun without you. :)  
> Also, stay tuned, there is still more to come.

Don drew a hasty drag and tried to offer the cigarette back, but Bible only stared back at him. The cigarette was limply hanging between them. Don took another drag and watched nervously as something dark passed in Bible’s eyes.  
The man leaned to wall and observed him closely. Don felt nervousness creeping back to him. He had thought that the other man would never make him nervous again after what they had done only a few hours back. But here he was, not finding anything reasonable to say and feeling Bible’s eyes drilled into him.  
It was two different things to be content in your own little bubble than to let outsiders see it too.

“I think I should get dressed”, Don huffed out, but didn’t make a move.

Bible squinted his eyes and finally took the cigarette back. Instead of taking a drag, he stubbed it out.

“You should hurry up then. You wouldn’t want Norman to catch you like this.”

The words were poisonous, hurt.

“Well, can you blame me?” Don asked challengingly.

Bible kept looking at him quietly before shrugging his shoulders.

“Not exactly. But I still expected more. Like that it would matter something to you. I would matter to you.”

He tried to play it away nonchalantly, but the pain was evident in his voice.

“You know that this what we are… Doing. It’s illegal.”

Don forced the words out, feeling sick. It was not the whole reason and Bible knew it too based on his expression. But Don just got his head on straight in this, he was not about to wreck it immediately. Although it seemed that whatever he would do, something was about to go wrong.

“I am not asking you to tell the whole world.”

“What does it matter to Norman?” Don tried, but Bible only nodded.

“Exactly. What does it matter? Tell the kid.”

“What does it matter to you?”

Bible startled, but schooled his face back to blank in a matter of seconds.

“You know what the Bible says about these kind of things?” Bible asked.

These moments were rare. Usually the man was full of compassion and quiet anger, beautiful in its complexity. Now he was… Void of any emotions. Even his voice was flat.

“Of course”, Don answered quietly, feeling all his anger seeping away.

Bible gave him a tired smile.

“Then you really should know why this matters to me. How much you matter to me.”

Silence fell heavy between them. Of course Don knew that Bible wasn’t in it just for fun. He was basically turning his back to his religion, to his God. Don was painfully aware of that, even though he didn’t understand why Bible was doing what he was doing.

“I’m heading out”, Bible sighed eventually and avoided Don’s eyes as he headed to retrieve his jacket.

Don followed in his foot steps, keeping a distance. There were hundred things he could say to stop the man from leaving. And every single one of them would be the truth. But still, what came out of his mouth was a sorry excuse to act normal.

“You coming back to dinner?”

Don hated how his voice sounded. Like he didn’t care at all what the man would answer. It sounded indifferent when it was the opposite of what Don was feeling.  
But maybe, just maybe it was better this way. Maybe it wasn’t meant to be.

“I don’t think that it would be a good idea”, he said his back turned to Don.

Maybe it wasn’t meant to be and Bible was realising it as well. Maybe Bible was realising it and was leaving for good.

Don closed his eyes for a second only to see a brutal vision from inside a tank, splattered with gore and guts. From inside the tank. He recognised those bodies. He would regocnise them everywhere.  
But there were too many bodies, too many bodies. They didn’t all die, did they?

“Don’t go. Please. I can’t do this on my own.”

The whisper echoed in the empty hallway. If Don wouldn’t have been alone, he wouldn’t know to whom the words belonged. Then again, he hadn’t even heard the door going. For all he knew, he might have been alone all along.

* * *

 

Norman found him sitting on the grass, at the back of the house smoking a cigarette. Don didn’t even notice him first. To speak the truth, Don was sure that after Bible left, he had headed straight outside for a single smoke.  
And still, there Norman was and he was missing a few hours of his day. But that wasn’t anything new, was it? Whenever the memories, nightmares or whatever you liked to call them, found him, he got lost. Lost inside his own head and afterwards his mind shut itself down completely and everything merely slid across his fingers.

The kid looked weary. He had lost some of his weight and there was a cautious glint in his eyes that hadn’t been there before. Something about him reminded Don of wounded animals and he rose as slowly as possible without looking suspicious.

“When did you get home?” Don asked taking note of Norman’s crumpled clothes and tired eyes.

“Well, I basically made my way here straight from my check-up”, he confessed and followed Don to the house.

“Why? You have a family, right?” Don asked furrowing his brows and showed Norman the way to the living room.

Norman was the third person to be in this house after the war had ended for Don. And just like Bible he headed straight to the photographs on the wall. But unlike Bible, he didn’t comment the photos, only stared at them.

“I don’t want to… They shouldn’t see me like this”, Norman answered silently.

Don let his gaze fell on the boy. He looked older than his age, a whole world’s worth of weight on his shoulders. His form was slumped, but he still looked like he was constantly ready to snap into action.

“You are welcome to stay”, Don offered before he even realised what he was doing.

But this could be good. He couldn’t face the house’s empty silence without Bible.  
Norman turned around looking slightly bewildered.  
Don was being selfish. He had no right to keep Norman here, under his dooming influence. But he could offer the kid something.

“Just for a couple of days. So you can rest and pull yourself together. It gets better, eventually.”

“So they say, but do you really believe it?” Norman started and sat down.

For a moment, they were both silent. Don owed Norman more than lies. Norman must have realised what the silence meant as he lowered his look and wrung his hands.

“I mean… I have killed people. Do I really deserve it to get better?”

“You sound completely like Bible”, Don sniffed.

Norman startled visibly and stared at Don like he had grown a second head. Don raised an eyebrow, but finally Norman only shrugged. Indeed, there were worse things to say than to compare him to Bible.

“I hope that he got where he wanted to”, Norman muttered so quietly that Don wasn’t sure if he was supposed to hear it.

Don prepared himself to answer the question about whether he had heard about the man, but the question never came. Instead Norman was again staring at his own hands like they were the most terrifying thing the boy had seen. Don felt guilt washing over him all over again.  
There was blood on those hands, sure, but it was there because of Don. And he couldn’t do a single thing to wash it away. He couldn’t even wash his own hands, how could he help somebody else?

“You want some coffee? I can promise it is better than what you have had these last months.”

Norman nodded still wringing his hands. Don gave him one last look and glanced longingly at the liquor cabinet before escaping to the kitchen.  
It was better that Bible had gone. Those two would destroy each others. And still there was an aching emptiness plaguing Don.

Don took up two mugs with his right hand and reached for the coffee pot with his other hand. As Don lifted the unnaturally heavy feeling pot, a sharp pain pierced through his shoulder. The pot met the floor with a loud bang and hot liquid splattered all over the room.

“Fuck,” Don hissed through his teeth and cradled his hand against his torso.

But the pain wasn’t subsiding. It felt like his whole left side was on fire. Not at all a nice feeling, if Don could recall even the slightest memory from the napalm that had scarred his back.  
Don leaned his forehead against the kitchen cabinet as his body slumped heavily against the sink. The pain was pure whiteness behind his eyelids, trying to tell him something.

How he wished that he wasn’t alone. He needed Bible. Sure, he wanted him, but that wasn’t all. He needed him, like air.

“Don…?”

Don startled at the hesitant sound coming from behind him. He had forgotten that he was indeed not alone. Norman was here.  
He didn’t turn right away, although the distress was evident in Norman’s voice. Only after schooling his face to a blank slate, where no evidence of pain was to be found, he turned.

“Is something wrong?” Norman asked.

Don almost barked a laugh at that. What wasn’t wrong? But the boy looked even paler than before and… Concerned. His eyes were darting around the small space, like he didn’t know where to look. Or more likely, like he was searching for a threat.

“No. I burned my hand grabbing the coffee pot.”

His stance relaxed almost immediately after he got an explanation for the noise, but his eyes shifted to Don’s palms that weren’t even red. He didn’t call Don on it, though. He only crouched to grab the pot and save the last drops of coffee to their mugs.  
Thanking his luck that he was right-handed, Don took his mug and followed Norman back to the living room. The shoulder was still radiating pain all over his body, but he had survived far worse. It was probably all in his head anyway.  
Still, Don felt like heaven as he sank into the armchair, letting his body rest against the back. They sat in a silence for awhile as Don gathered himself without alerting the kid.

“I need something stronger than this”, Norman mumbled to his mug as he sipped his coffee with a frown.

Don raised his eyebrows in surprise, but stood carefully to retrieve a liquor bottle. Maybe it would also relieve the pain on his shoulder, he pondered as he chose a bottle. Don could almost feel Norman’s eyes on him as he stiffly closed the cabinet with his left hand.

“Knock yourself out”, Don offered as he handed the bottle.

Norman raised an eyebrow, but poured some of it into his mug. Only little, but still.

“You don’t want any?” he asked and Don was more than aware of his searching gaze.

Don stared at emptiness for a moment, before slowly shaking his head. He really shouldn’t. No, he could have a smoke instead.  
Norman pulled a face as he sipped his drink, but Don didn’t even notice as he was busy fumbling his lighter from his jacket's pocket. It proved difficult with only one properly functioning arm.

“It’s your…” Norman started and Don raised his eyes sharply.

The boy looked surprised at himself, like he had crossed some kind of boundary. Funny, how you could still have boundaries with people who you had almost died beside.

“Your arm, isn’t it? It still bothers you.”

It wasn’t a question, not really.

“Shouldn’t it be healed already?” Norman continued and his frown deepened.

“It’s nothing really. It just... Decides to misbehave sometimes”, Don reassured, but even to his own ears his voice sounded strained.

Why wasn’t the pain subsiding? It should be. It never hurt this long.  
Norman didn’t say anything, but he looked doubtful. Don sighed heavily.

“I will take some painkillers later.”

He wasn’t accountable to Norman. He wasn’t. And still…

“You really shouldn’t be living here alone.”

Don raised his eyebrows at the sudden chance in discussion. Again, Norman looked like he was a little bit surprised with himself.

“Your neighbour is really worried about you. She said that you are always alone and you don’t look so good”, Norman started rambling.

“My neighbour?” Don asked interrupting.

“You know. That nice girl next door? I met her when I came to see you. She told me that I could find you at the back yard.”

“Oh, you mean…”

He didn’t have a clue about her name.

“Her”, Don ended awkwardly and shrugged his shoulder.

The sudden movement sent a jolt of pain to his shoulder and Don almost downed his mug’s content to his lap. He managed to halt it but not before it spilled hot coffee to his shirt.

“Fuck”, he muttered as he put his mug down and deliberately avoided Norman’s eyes.

The wet spot on his shirt was already gluing itself to his skin unpleasantly so Don took his shirt off. He had already ignored Norman’s presence completely in his tired mind, so he wasn’t ready when he heard a sharp gasp as he laid his shirt down revealing his bare upper body.  
His head snapped up to meet the boy’s eyes. He was silent, but his gaze was fixated on his shoulder. Don didn’t want to follow his gaze, he already knew what there was.

“You need to see a doctor. It looks bad”, Norman said weakly, not shifting his eyes away.

“I have some kind of cream for it.”

“Do you use it? Like at all?” Norman asked looking furiously bewildered.

“Yeah, I do”, Don answered defiantly.

It wasn’t entirely a lie. There were only a very few times, when he had patience to apply it himself, but Bible did it otherwise.

“It doesn’t look like it.”

Norman stood up abruptly, almost knocking his chair over. The boy had for sure more sharp edges than before.

“Let me look at it.”

The command in his voice startled Don. They had both gone a long way since they had first met.  
Once again, Don reminded himself how Norman wasn’t a kid anymore. He was a man, his reflection painted with cracks. But unlike Don, he wasn’t shattered, he could still pull the pieces together. He had hope.

Don didn’t resist as Norman slowly lowered himself in front of him so that he could look at the shoulder closer. Don turned his head away as the frown on Norman’s face deepened. He noticed how Norman’s hand already got up, but it halted in the middle of the motion. The artistic fingers twitched slightly, but he didn’t touch Don.  
Of course, he didn’t. He wasn’t Bible.

“You know, I think I’m staying. So that we can fix your shoulder. You obviously don’t take care of it.”

“Might as well get over it then. The cream is in the cabinet above the bathroom’s sink”, Don sighed.

Norman nodded looking like he knew exactly what he was doing for the first time since he had placed a foot in this house. As Norman disappeared from sight, Don let the pain wash over him. Maybe it was a good idea to find out why the shoulder wasn’t healing. After all, it should be. Though, he didn’t know what Norman could do that Bible hadn’t done already.  
And indeed, what about Bible? What if the man decided to come back? He had only talked about this evening, surely he hadn’t meant to leave for good. This situation was a shitstorm waiting to happen.

Don grimaced right in time to Norman appear again. The boy stopped at the threshold looking uncertain, but Don beckoned him closer. Norman approached him slowly, hesitatingly looking at the jar in his hand.  
What was with all the people treating him like a wounded animal? Or maybe they just saw him as he was. Pacing around in a fucking cage.

And what the hell was wrong with his own head. His thoughts were racing with an uncomfortable speed, to the oddest places.

“I found only this one. It looks like it hadn’t been used that much”, Norman pointed out.

The boy almost sounded accusing, but there was something more. He was afraid of him, for him, it was all jumbled nowadays.

“It must be the second one”, Don answered and Norman settled for staring at him unbelievingly.

“Can I…?” he asked already crouching in front of Don.

Don only nodded, shrugging would only have caused unnecessary pain.  
Norman touched his shoulder carefully and Don stifled his frown. This wasn’t anywhere near how Bible had tended his wound. Norman didn’t hurt him any more than Bible had, on the contrary. Norman was even more careful, like Don would crumble with even one touch of those delicate fingers.

“You don’t put bandages on this anymore?” Norman asked quietly as he wiped his fingers on his shirt.

“No. It’s so hot that it’s better without it”, Don said and leaned away from Norman.

The boy took the hint and hastily stood up. He was still frowning and staring almost angrily at Don’s shoulder as he murmured:  
“It feels hot.”

Don ignored him and put his shirt back on. The shoulder was already starting to feel numb and he knew from experience that soon it would be a bitch to move.

“Come on, let’s get you settled”, Don grunted.

He didn’t wait for an answer, but instead headed straight for the stairs. Norman waited for a beat before following him.  
Don almost led Norman to the main quest room, but realised his mistake on time. Instead he leaded him past the closed door of Bible’s room. Unfortunately the hallway continued past his very open door of the master bedroom.

He couldn’t stop his eyes darting to the room to see the messy heap of sheets on the bed. Norman’s eyes followed his gaze and his eyebrows shot up in surprise. The boy didn’t say anything so Don continued forwards opening the door for Norman’s temporary room.

“You can stay here. I will get you some sheets.”

Norman nodded and Don backed away from the room almost immediately. Instead of heading to find new sheets Don made his way to the master bedroom. For a moment he stared at the messy bed.

He almost wanted to just fall atop of it and bury himself in the blankets.  
Instead, he kept his back straight as he stripped the bed not caring if he tore the sheets or not.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “Time and again boys are raised to be men  
> Impatient they start, fearful at the end  
> But here was a man mourning tomorrow  
> He drank, but finally drowned in his sorrow”
> 
> -The Hoosiers


	11. Just My Soul Responding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And I'm back from the holidays! Hopefully, this chapter will compensate for the longer wait.  
> Without further rambling, I have a little warning for you all. I think that this is one of the last chapters. If I can keep myself under control, there should be only three chapters after this. Yay!

Don ran his hand through his hair as he poured some coffee for himself. He had slept late tonight, much later than he had planned. He didn’t like it when he slept too long, even though he didn’t really have anything to do. But it felt disrespectful to waste his life sleeping when others didn’t have the chance of living.  
He could have sought a job, but he still had some money left and he didn’t have any delusions of his arm’s endurance in the long run. Better to let it heal at peace.  
Actually, it felt already so much better than last week. Don didn’t know if the medicine was finally kicking in or if Norman had magic hands, but during Norman’s stay the shoulder had calmed down. Even the reddening seemed to have faded a little.

Don blinked realising that the kid had for real stayed with him already for a whole month. How did that even happen? Norman had made sure that Don’s shoulder was taken care of, but he had also kept his mind busy offhandedly suggesting some renovations to the house.  
Don wasn’t sure if the boy was afraid of him or for him. Maybe both. This would actually be the first day the boy would leave him alone at the house and not because he wanted to do so. No, the boy had just always been too polite for his own good and even the war hadn’t managed to change that.

Don snorted remembering Norman’s reluctant face from yesterday, when he had told him that the girl next door had asked him to take her dancing. The poor boy had mumbled something about a trap and not being able to say no. But it would honestly just be good for them both if Don got Norman out of his hair if even for the evening.  
But since Norman had laid his foot in this house, Don hadn’t caught a sight from Bible. He didn’t even know if the man wasn’t planning to come back at all. Or if he had realised that Norman was here and didn’t want to interrupt…  
Yeah, right. The man’s message was loud and clear, thank you very much.

The front door creaked open and Don turned with an unimpressed look to face the kitchen’s entrance where Norman soon appeared. For some reason the boy felt like he should tiptoe around the house and Don, trying to make as little noise as possible.  
Maybe it had something to do with that time when Norman had slammed the cabinet door with too much force. For Don’s defence, he had forgotten that there was someone else beside him in the house. After all, Bible had been naturally quiet. So he had maybe freaked out a bit trying to find his gun and failing. Which had of course led to an even bigger wave of nausea and more frantic searching. It didn’t take long from Norman to figure it out that something was wrong upstairs. And well, long story short, since then he had avoided making loud noises.

Don handed the boy a mug full of coffee without asking. Norman nodded in thanks, but put the mug on the counter and scrunched his face like he had a headache.

“What’s your problem?” Don asked, voice still groggy from too much sleep.

“I really, really don’t want to go out tonight. I don’t even know how to dance”, Norman murmured.

“Well, that’s only good. If you step on her toes enough, maybe she will leave you alone.”

“Wouldn’t that be great? Then she could go back to harassing you”, Norman answered darkly.

“On second thought, I think it would be better if you didn’t come back tonight”, Don bit back.

And maybe it would really be for the best. Norman didn’t need people like Don, he needed human contacts outside this house. Contacts with the living and breathing kind.

Norman fixed him with a look before grumbling to himself:  
“I would prefer funerals to this.”

Don almost choked on his coffee and even Norman looked puzzled with himself.

“I did not mean that. Well, I think we should like do a tour and visit their graves and so on, but…”

The kid looked absolutely horrified, but didn’t seem able to stop his rambling. Don schooled his inner turmoil and carefully cocked an eyebrow while his face stayed otherwise entirely blank.

“Do you even know if they have graves?” he asked.

“No, no I don’t know”, Norman confessed and his rambling quieted down before he added: “But I would think so.”

Don kept looking Norman waiting that the kid would turn his eyes away. But the boy had already reined himself in and answered to his gaze levelly. And oh yeah, Don was supposed to stop referring to Norman as a kid.

“Why should we go to their graves? For fuck's sake, you knew the men for a day”, Don said mockingly.

Hurt reflected in Norman’s eyes, but the boy… Man didn’t back out.

“They were my team.”

“You don’t get to get attached to people in war.”

“And still I’m here.”

“And still you are here”, Don admitted and lowered his mug to the table.

Norman studied him closely as Don fumbled his lighter out. If his hands slightly trembled as he lighted his cigarette, the other man didn’t say anything. The silence didn’t change the fact that Norman was staring at his hands as he sighed:  
“Your shrink thinks it would be good for you.”

Don was momentarily thrown for a loop, not following the new trail of their conversation. Norman didn’t seem to notice anything, but kept on going.

“To have a closure. Realise that they are gone, for real.”

Don didn’t even question why he needed a closure. Rather, he was more interested in the fact that his shrink had spoken with Norman.

“Why have you talked to him?” Don asked, furrowing his brows and taking a long drag of his cigarette.

Norman blinked, obviously not prepared for this question.

“Well… He tracked me down. Though I think it was pretty easy to find me when I got back home. But still… How did you think I managed to find you this quickly?”

Don nodded, but stayed silent. He hadn’t really thought that the elderly man, the shrink, would really go that far for any of his patients. Then again… Maybe he just wanted to pick on Don’s brain. And when Don didn’t cooperate what would be a better solution to that than Norman.

Norman watched him, obviously waiting for an answer, but Don only took another drag from the cigarette. He focused on the rich smoke he was breathing into his lungs and on the burning on his throat as he exhaled. It was easier than to focus on his thoughts.

Norman sipped his coffee that had undoubtedly already gone cold. He frowned before sighing:  
“I guess I must yield to my fate.”

Don nodded, but he was already lost in his thoughts. It had happened often enough during the last month that Norman left him alone. The older man didn’t even notice when Norman slipped to the upstairs as Don almost subconsciously moved to the living room. There he could see the street from the window.  
He was always watching out of the windows, waiting for something. Or someone.

* * *

Don startled awake in the armchair as his half smoked cigarette dropped to his lap.

“Shit, shit, shit”, Don damned as he shook the ashes from his lap.

Apparently Don had managed to fall asleep somewhere through his cigarette pack, but it wasn’t his biggest worry.  
The whole room seemed like it was spinning. The air was too thick, too heavy with cigarette smoke. Don jumped to his feet and not caring to put out his cigarette he only left it in the ashtray as he hurried to open the window.  
The window demanded force and it creaked as it opened slowly. An unusual cold for late summer or even early autumn seeped through the open window to Don’s clammy skin.  
Was he running a fever? Or had he seen nightmares? But surely he couldn’t have been asleep for that long or the cigarette would have flamed out earlier.

Don rubbed his forehead frustrated as he leaned towards the fresh air. How was it even possible that he could sleep for hours and hours, but still feel tired all the time? Maybe it was the war. At war there were never chances to sleep so much as the soldiers would have actually needed.  
So maybe it was the war. Maybe he could blame the fucking war for fucking forever for fucking everything that went wrong with his life from now on. Don inhaled deeply and closed his eyes listening to rain drops outside. He let his mind race to darkness, but suddenly there was a loud bang coming from the outdoor.

A quick glance at the clock told him that Norman had been gone already for some time, but there was still no way that he could be back already. Even if everything hadn’t gone as planned, Norman was a gentleman and that girl was… Enthusiastic, to say at least. She wouldn’t give up so easily.  
Don’s hand was aching for his gun, but ever since Bible took it from him all those weeks (or was it months already?) ago, he hadn’t seen it. Maybe it was for the best, but he really would have needed now the assurance that the gun’s weight in his hand gave him.

Don straightened himself and made his way slowly towards the front door. A quick scan revealed that the door looked like it was closed and the hallway’s mat was dry, not marking presence of any rain soaked visitors. For his own peace of mind Don tried the door, but it was tightly shut, as it should be.  
Don snorted and turned around already letting his guard down. He was immediately met by heavy weight that pushed him against the door. He hadn’t turned on the lights so the hallway was dark and Don didn’t see who it was that pinned him down, hard.

The shoulder acted up, but Don forced his tensed muscles to relax underneath the steely grip. As the attacker loosened his hold, Don snatched his good arm free. He didn’t hesitate to punch the other man, aiming for the diaphragm. The smaller framed man managed to dodge, but only barely.  
But even barely was enough as in the next moment he had a solid grip on Don’s shoulders and the fingers dug painfully into the tender skin. Don cried out and the pressure waned, but at the same time the man was moving quickly towards him with his whole body.  
Don almost waited for a headbutt as their faces neared, but the man closed the distance between them with lips instead. Don stilled completely as he felt the chapped lips luring his own to move with them. He tasted like smoke and salt, his moustache tickling Don’s upper lip.

“Bible”, Don sighed into the man’s mouth.

The man let out an affirmative sound, but didn’t stop kissing. Don felt the man’s hold on him tightening yet again as he pushed closer and tangled his fingers in Bible’s hair.

It was almost violent. Bible was kissing him with gnashing teeth and Don couldn’t help but to tug his hair in response. Oh, how his body had missed the weight and pressure of another body against it.

“What… are… you… doing… here?” Don panted.

If he would have any self-control, he would have disentangled himself from the man and demanded answers. He had thought that this was it. This was the end. And still the man was standing in front of him, clinging to him. Or he was clinging to him.

“I’m here for you.”

How…? Did Bible know that Norman was staying? And that this was the night he was gone? Why now, after an entire month? Was he here to stay? Or to say farewell for good?

All his follow-up questions were shot into the sky when he felt Bible’s teeth grazing against his pulse point on his neck. Don couldn’t stop a violent shudder running through his body and he could swear that he felt Bible to smile against his skin.

“Upstairs?” Bible whispered as he raised his lips to Don’s earlobe.

Don nodded and forced his feet to follow the man who didn’t waste any time as he headed to the bedroom. Don really should stop and ask what did all this mean, but once his feet were moving there was no way of stopping them. When had he lost all the control for the man who was shrugging his jacket off along the way?

The jacket was left forgotten on the corridor as they reached the master bedroom and Bible spun around to face Don.

“I missed you so much”, the man breathed and all the pain was so visible on his face that what could Don do but to close the distance once again.

“I’m here”, Don murmured and stroked Bible’s cheek.

The man leaned into his touch and closed his eyes. Don really should say something. He could not do this if he didn’t know what this meant.

“I know”, Bible whispered.

He looked sad, so utterly devastated that Don just had to cup the man’s face and kiss him with gentle lips. He always tasted like smoke and salt.  
It was not how happy men should taste like.

The gentle kiss grew hungrier in a matter of seconds and Don’s hands started to roam along Boyd’s body. Almost like with a mind of their own, his hands settled on Boyd’s belt and started to pull it off.  
As the belt fell to the floor with the trousers, Don slid to his knees without thinking anything more than the man in front of him. Boyd gripped Don’s shirt and pulled so that Don would raise his arms. When the shirt was off, Don hooked his fingers onto Boyd’s boxers and slid them smoothly away.

Don hesitated slightly, but leaned forward and took Boyd on his mouth. The other man gasped in surprise and Don hummed as he felt delicate fingers waving themselves to his hair.  
He had never done this. Hell, it wasn’t so long ago when he hadn’t even kissed a man before. But he had been on the receiving end of this.  
Don steadied himself with hands on Boyd’s hips and licked experimentally before sucking just a little.  
It was weird. The weight on his tongue, the salty taste in his mouth. Apparently he was doing something right, ‘cause the man above him was whimpering and tugging his hair.

He was only getting into the rhythm, losing himself to the feeling of the man he loved inside his mouth, underneath his hands, when Boyd gasped his name desperately and pulled Don back up. Boyd claimed his mouth with renewed lust and Don felt dizzy standing up so fast.

“Oh Lord, I want you so bad”, the man panted against his mouth.

Don let out a voiceless laugh and helped Boyd out of his shirt. He felt the man’s fingers gently stroking his back as they fell together on the bed. Slowly the fingers slid along his back to his trousers and helped Don to kick them off with his underwear. Now there was nothing between them but skin.

Don hadn’t even realised that he was on his back when the smaller man was already looming over him. His dark eyes looked slightly unfocused as he lowered his lips to Don’s collarbone while his hand trailed lower along Don’s body. Don’s whole body jerked as Boyd closed his hand around Don, but Boyd swallowed Don’s moans straight from his mouth.  
The feeling boiling inside Don was too much. He didn’t have any kind of control over himself. Every single one of his thoughts were revolving around the man above him, the touch of his hand on him, the taste of his mouth on his. As Don was sure that he could not hold it anymore, Boyd trailed his fingers tantalisingly back again.

Their mouths had somewhere along the way lost each other and now their breaths were mingling together, lips only inches away from each other. Don looked, really looked, into Boyd’s eyes searching for… Something. But the man’s eyes were half closed and Don felt unrealistically disappointed.  
Pushing the feeling away, Don rose slightly to roll over his stomach but Boyd’s hand stopped him with a tight grip.

“No. I want to do it like this.”

Don blinked in momentarily confusion, but Boyd was already spreading Don’s legs open. As he leaned to kiss Don’s inner thigh, Don gave up to the feeling and rested his head against the pillows.  
The man didn’t do it any less quick or harsher than last time, but Don didn’t care. Every painfully burning and stretching sensation be damned, he had missed this. All of it.  
And as the man, Bible, Boyd, entered him, their eyes locked. Don’s sight went kinda fuzzy at the edges, but it didn’t matter as he could focus on the other man’s eyes. There were dark bags under his eyes but at the moment the sadness had faded out and was replaced with a feeling that Don couldn’t quite grasp the concept of.

The sheets were scraping his scarred back as they moved in unison, but the perception was dulled, like it was happening to someone else. Don’s eyes were fluttering closed, but he didn’t want to lose the eye contact.  
As the intense look on Boyd’s eyes was replaced with sheer bliss, Don bit his lip hard to keep his focus on the man. But it didn’t take any more than few lazy stroke of Boyd’s hand, and Don couldn’t fight it anymore.

With both of them breathing heavily Boyd let himself finally collapse beside Don and automatically Don shuffled closer. Soon he felt Boyd’s arms wrapping around him and Don let his head lean against the other one’s body.

“Bible, I…”

“Shh, let’s sleep. Everything else can wait till morning”, the hoarse voice answered.

Don nodded, but let his fingers dig deeper into the man’s ribs fearing to let go. Sharing one more kiss before giving in under the weight of darkness, Don watched fascinated, how Boyd's mouth stayed partly open, faint marks of red on his lips. Licking his lips, Don tasted the coppery flavour on his own lips and fell asleep with the rich taste of blood on his mouth.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "Oh, and I wanna be here when morning comes  
> When the stars in the sky fade into one  
> Oh, and I wanna be here when times are hard  
> When the beating of your heart is like a drum  
> But every day  
> I found new ways to hurt you"
> 
> -Amber Run


	12. Love in the Middle of a Firefight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, I finally changed the chapter count. Two more left, woah.  
> But without further ado, some big things happening in this one. Hope you like it!

Don turned around in his bed waiting to realise that he was yet again alone. Instead he was met by the sight of a sleeping man, just far enough as in not to touch him. Slowly gathering his thoughts from the night before, Don inched closer and immediately Boyd’s eyes opened.

There was no hint of sleepiness in his eyes, only a sense of.. Weary alertness.  
He must have been awake for a while now, there was no other way. The look directed to Don was too sharp. Still, he had kept his distance. But he was here. He hadn’t left. It must count for something, right?

“Bible”, Don started, but a distant noise from downstairs silenced him.

Don bit the inside of his cheek as in not to frown, but Boyd offered him a tired smile.

“What are we doing?” the man whispered and raised his hand to slowly caress Don’s face.

As Don leaned into the touch, it took him a while to realise that the hand touching him was Boyd’s right hand. It was his right hand and still, Don didn’t feel anything more, but the cool touch of fingers.  
A quick glance revealed the truth. There was no ring anymore.

“I don’t know”, Don answered, not removing his gaze from the other man’s eyes.

“I would be willing to find out. With you. If you only stay”, Don choked out, forcing every single word out.

“Can I stay?” Boyd asked.

Boyd rose to lean on his elbow all the while watching Don intently. Don didn’t dare to say anything. He had seen that look before, many times. That look was directed to Grady or Gordo when they were acting stupid and Bible was not gonna hear any more of their shit.

“You got Norman now. He is good for you. Even your shoulder has finally started to heal”, Boyd continued and let out a short, bitter laugh.

The delicate fingers moved to ghost over his shoulder, applying steadily more pressure until Don winced just a little.

“Norman isn’t going to stay forever”, Don answered, shifting his shoulder out of reach.

And that definitely was the wrong thing to say as Boyd immediately shifted farther away from Don.

“But even if he did… You are the one I need. The one I want.”

There was a moment of silence that weighed more than any other silence ever between them. Finally, Boyd just put his head back on the pillow and closed his eyes.

“Are you sure about that?”

Don let his heart beat once, twice, three times before crowding into Boyd’s space and whispering to his mouth:  
“I’m not sure about anything.”

Boyd opened his eyes and nodded, like it all made sense somehow.

“Good”, was the only thing that the man said before he closed the distance between their lips.

The kiss was short. Almost only a peck on the lips, but somehow it eased Don’s mind.  
Boyd withdrew first, but left his forehead staying against Don’s own. This close, it was easy to see the frantic look on Boyd’s eyes and the nervous lick of his lower lip.

“You know that the only way how this is going to work is to lie. To everybody. Not only to Norman there in the downstairs. But to your neighbours. To your shrink. Every single person we ever meet. To the church. To God”, Boyd cut his sentence short.

“I didn’t think you even could lie to God.”

“No, no you can’t. But you can try.”

There was real distress in Boyd’s eyes and Don wanted nothing more than to wipe those lines away. It was so unfair. The man had already suffered a real war that continued to haunt them both. There was no reason for another inner war as well.  
Don wasn’t good with words, he led by example. But there was no way to win this that way. Slowly, Don formed the words before letting them out, one by one.

“I think that when you’re lying to yourself. Is the moment when you are lying to God.”

Or, at least, Don didn’t want to know a different kind of god.

Don waited for the man’s reaction, but he just stared at him. Suddenly, Boyd’s whole face seemed to crumble in a matter of seconds. Don didn’t have the chance to see the tears as Boyd buried his face against Don’s shirtless form.  
A loud sob shook the man’s whole body as he clung to Don. Momentarily taken aback, it took a while for Don to wrap his hands around the man’s upper body after correcting his posture against the bed’s headrest.

Don’s tongue felt thick and unmoving and the comforting words caught in his throat. Maybe it was better that way. Maybe all that Don had to offer was his touch.

After the first loud sob, Boyd cried absolutely silent. If Don haven’t felt the tears on his skin, he wouldn’t have realised that Boyd was indeed crying.  
Hell, he had lived with the man for years in small, confined piece of metal and he had never seen the man cry. Don could feel his own body tensing in response. The muscles convulsed in their state of frozen terror, his hands were starting to shake and he could feel his heart stuttering to find its own pace, for nothing.

But before the black cloud edging his mind could continue to spread, Boyd raised his hand to Don’s chest and splayed his fingers across the wide space, just over his heart. As the man pushed himself upwards Don could see the faint glistening on his face, before their mouths crushed together with a sense of urgency like never before.  
Don almost expected the kiss to taste bitter, either from tears or blood. But it tasted like a promise. A promise of staying. And against Don’s voice of reason in his head, he let himself hope.

* * *

 

Don descended the stairs slowly, warily. He could hear Norman hustling around in the kitchen and instinctively checked that his clothes were straight. They were in fact little rumbled, but that was nothing out of usual, really.

He had left Bible sleeping after his breakdown, so he would have plenty of time to think about what to do next. He could play it cool. It wasn’t such a big deal that an old army buddy came to visit. The only problem was that the house had only one guest bedroom and Norman had it. Then again. War. They had slept in tighter quarters before, it didn’t necessarily have to mean anything.  
There was no reason why Norman should suspect anything else.

Why did he even care? In the end, it was none of Norman’s business, and the boy would never give them harm. Right?  
The boy had never wanted to hurt anyone, not even when his own life depended on it. He had been forced to do it, and even after that he had never shown any signs of wanting to do that, what happened to so many other men.

But… Don halted at the end of the steps as the realisation hit him. He had been the one to force Norman to do it the first time. To kill a man. The kid must really hate him.  
Maybe that was the reason why he was here. To watch him slowly crumble away.

“Don. Are you awake?”

His name still sounded so weird in his ears. Was it as weird to Norman to say it?

Norman peeked around the corner, saying something. But the words came out muffled, like Don was under water.  
Norman’s mouth kept moving, but his lips were drawn into a frown. He was worried. Or loathing him, Don really couldn’t tell the difference anymore.

Norman took a step closer and Don was able to shake himself out of his trance.

“Sorry, what did you say?”

Norman stared him for a moment, taking in the tired lines of his face, his slumped stance.

“I asked if you wanted coffee”, he told slowly.

Don nodded absently and pushed past Norman to go into the kitchen. He heard Norman’s hesitant footsteps following him.

“Did something happen last ni…?” Norman started, but Don interrupted him before he managed to finish his sentence.

“So, how was your night?”

Norman flinched visibly and the look on his face told everything. The kid, no, the younger man, Don reminded himself again, sat down and buried his face into his hands.

“It was horrible”, he grimaced.

“But you stayed late? I didn’t hear you coming back”, Don noted, raising his brows challengingly.

“Well, I really didn’t have any saying about when we left. Believe me, it was a struggle to get rid of her, even when I did.”

“Oh, Norman. You have always been too polite for your own good”, Don snorted.

Watching Norman’s face crunch in discomfort was almost enough to chase the looming shadows away. That honest face wouldn’t lie to him, it didn’t hate him. Norman would never tell anybody about him and Bible. Not that Don was planning to tell him. Not explicitly, at least.  
Norman let out a frustrated sound and rubbed his face while his other hand reached for the coffee. At the same time there was a faint sound coming from the stairs. Norman didn’t seem to hear it, but Don raised his eyes to see Bible resting against the door frame, the soft shadows of the dark hallway swallowing his body almost completely.

“I have to say that I am not going to miss her, when I leave. Not that I would be in any hurry to leave”, Norman added hastily.

“It’s okay. You can go. This was always supposed to be temporary.”

Bible shifted so that the light hit his face, revealing a small smile that didn’t reach the tired eyes. He nodded once, and turned away. The movement was slow, reluctant. Don shifted his gaze back to Norman, who just looked uncomfortable. He bit his lip briefly before opening his mouth.

“I don’t feel good leaving you here all alone. Your shoulder is just starting to heal and it has obviously been bad for so long. I would never forgive myself, if…”

The boy bit his lower lip so hard that it turned white. He talked aloud about the shoulder, but that wasn’t really the reason why Norman was worried.  
Even Don realised that he, alcohol and guns in the same house all alone was a terribly bad idea.

“You won’t be leaving me alone”, Don stated firmly, fixing his gaze to Bible who had frozen to his place in the hallway, still half visible.

“What?”

“I’m not alone. Wasn’t before you came, won’t be when you leave.”

Well, there went all possible “only two men who had been through same hell and occasionally visited each other” -explanations.

Norman stared at him like Don had finally lost his mind, but Don didn’t pay the younger man any attention. His eyes were fixated on Bible, who slowly turned back to the two other men with undecipherable look on his face.  
Finally, Norman followed Don’s eyes to land on Bible who had instinctively stepped closer. The boy startled, but didn’t say anything. Bible’s eyes were focused on Don, sharp and unwavering.

Norman opened his mouth, once, twice, but closed it every time. Eventually, he seemed to give up completely and just let his lips turn to smile that this time reached the corner of his eyes. Don felt his own lips answering and for the first time in months the darkness inside his head shrank, hiding in the corners as his thoughts settled.

“Bible?” Norman crowed finally, shattering the silence that had folded around the three of them.

Bible turned his head towards Norman like he had only now realised that the boy was still there.

“Hi, Norman.”

Norman made an odd sound, looking utterly lost.

“I tried to find you. To make sure that you are okay too. But I couldn’t find any trace of you. I thought you were…”

Norman swallowed the final words and stood up. Bible’s already small smile faded a bit, but the man kept his eyes tightly on Norman as the younger man reached him and hugged him tightly.

“You don’t have to worry about me. I’m fine.”

Norman obviously wanted to say something, maybe to argue against Bible’s words, but he kept silent and released his hold.

“And I got Don’s back as well.”

Norman furrowed his brows, not looking entirely convinced.

“But if you have been here before… Where have you been?” Norman asked.

Don stiffened as Bible sighed. Heavy silence filled the air and for a moment nobody even moved.

“I needed to take care of some things”, Bible stated finally.

Norman raised his eyebrow, but didn’t question his answer.

“But you are going to stay here with Don?”

Bible glanced at the man in question, seeking for confirmation, but Don was seeking it as well from Bible.

“For the time being, yes”, Bible said carefully.

Norman must have sensed something strange, Don sighed internally. The kid was looking between them, not searching, but like he had already found something that needed to be processed.  
Even though Norman didn’t look disgusted or angry, Don could feel how his body tensed in reaction to being so closely scrutinized. His heart stuttered violently, missing a beat.  
Norman was going to say something bad, he could see it in his face. How had Don ever thought that this could end well?

“Well, I’m not in a hurry. I think that I will stay for a while still. If it’s alright?”

Don blinked. The words were so different than what he had expected that he didn’t trust himself to find his voice, so he settled for nodding.

Nobody said anything about the house having only one guest bedroom and Don couldn’t tell if Norman had already realised it or not. The boy still looked puzzled, but not negatively taken aback. He kept staring at Bible, like the man would disappear into thin air any minute now. Don knew that feeling all too well and he had even lived with the man for most of the time.  
Where ever Bible had been, he had been laying low. The look on Norman’s face told clearly that he had expected something entirely else than the living and breathing man in front of him. Don couldn’t really blame him. The war had a way of claiming victims even after the battles had ceased.

“So… Is there any coffee left for me too?” Bible asked finally.

Don and Norman both startled at the sudden question, but Norman continued to stare at the man.

“I don’t know. The coffee is Norman’s responsibility.”

“Uh, yeah. There should still be worth a cup or two”, Norman answered and seemed to shake himself out of his frozen state.

Bible nodded and made his way to the coffee, leaving Norman and Don awkwardly standing. Only when Bible sat down, the other two followed his example. The silence was heavy and not entirely comfortable. But it wasn’t uncomfortable either, so there was that.

Silently, his coffee long forgotten, Don searched his pockets for a cigarette pack, but found nothing.  
Had he already smoked his way through one?  
Bible watched him struggle for a while before the man lowered his cup to search his own pockets. It didn’t take long before he slid a full pack across the table to Don. Don snatched the pack thankfully and took one from it. But as he tried to slide it back to its rightful owner, Bible handed it back to him, taking care of closing Don’s hand around the pack.

“Keep it. You’re insufferable without. I can manage”, he said, and let his touch linger on Don’s fingers, before leaning back against his own chair.

Norman seemed to be deep in thought, but Don had lived in war for years. In war you didn’t survive unless you noticed even the smallest things. And Don could bet his life, for all that it was not worth, that Norman’s eyes were tightly focused on their hands at the table.  
But the boy didn’t say anything and Don wasn’t going to prompt any kind of discussion. So he just lighted the cigarette and let the smoke fill his head instead of all of his disturbing thoughts.

Don shifted the cigarette away from his mouth and used his other hand to stuff the cigarette pack away. As he raised the cigarette back to his lips without looking up from his mission with the tight pocket and full cigarette pack, he could feel Bible’s gaze on him. He raised his eyes questioningly, but the man was fully focused on his lips as he took another deep drag.

It was automatic, it really was. Don couldn’t help it, it was pure instinct. So when the cigarette lowered from his mouth, Don licked his lips looking Bible the whole time.  
Though, his eyes were immediately drawn to Norman as a loud screech carried through his mind’s haze. In his haste to get up, Norman had almost knocked the chair over and now the boy was awkwardly hovering over the kitchen table. He could see Bible biting his lower lip to stop himself from… Smiling, laughing?

And was Norman… Blushing? Oh yes, the boy was definitely blushing, furiously so.

“I should… Ah, go. Outside”, he stuttered and turned on his heel, this time succeeding in knocking the chair over.

Cursing the boy righted the chair before hurriedly fleeing the room. Soon the outdoor closed with a bang.

“You should be ashamed of yourself. Traumatizing a boy like that”, Bible said, a small smile playing on his lips.

Don raised an accusing eyebrow at him, but the other man just shrugged innocently. But the smile fell and gave space for more serious expression.

“Do you think it will be a problem?” the man asked.

He wouldn’t meet his eyes anymore. Instead, he was intently looking at the table’s surface.

Don didn’t have to see his eyes to know what the man meant. He was wondering about Norman, about them. It was sad, really, how one word from anyone could destroy everything.

“I don’t know. It could be a problem to Norman. I would be surprised if not”, Don started.

Bible flinched visibly at his words.

“But then again. I don’t think for a moment, that Norman would be a problem for us. I mean… He wouldn’t do anything.”

Their eyes met again and Don waited unwaveringly under his gaze as Bible searched his face. Don was surprised how much he did in fact trust his own words. He honestly believed that he was telling Bible the truth.  
Whatever Bible was looking, it seemed that he found it. Letting the small smile back on his face, the man leaned over the table to grab Don’s hand.

“You think that Norman is going to stay out for a while?”

“It’s a possibility. He has a lot on his mind. If he doesn’t have to hide from my neighbour, we should have the house to ourselves for some time. What you got in mind?” Don asked as a wicked grin spread to Bible’s face.

“I don’t know about you, but I could use a shower.”

Don blinked in surprise and Bible snorted.

“Don’t look so scandalized. We are already going to Hell”, Bible announced as he rose to his feet and turned away from Don.

And if there was a sad undertone in his voice, at least the tightness from his shoulders seeped away as Don hurried to catch him and weave their fingers together.

“Lead the way.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I am not afraid  
> Love is coming out to play
> 
> They'll chain our hands  
> And close the door  
> There's nothing worse  
> Than wanting more”
> 
> -Dillon Francis ft. Brendon Urie


	13. Surrender

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here again! Let me just tell you, this one was interesting to write and I'm pleased how it turned out (actually longer and with more scenes than previously planned). Hope you like it!  
> So after this, there is only one chapter left. It will be an epilogue, but I think that will be pretty clear after you finish this.

It had been a week since the encounter between Norman and Bible. Nothing had been said out loud and Don was fine with that. They didn’t show affection in front of the boy and he didn’t question when they disappeared behind the same door at nights. Though, Bible always demanded that they would wait that Norman went to bed first. Norman wasn’t stupid and Bible more than likely realised it as well, but Don could give him this small comfort.

But even behind the closed doors nothing happened. Bible was wary of Norman in a way that Don couldn’t understand, not when it came to that boy.  
Still, Don was content to just lie next to Bible, something he never thought possible. But every shared touch, however brief, felt more special now, that in some way, they had received Norman’s approval. And after every night that Norman acted more and more normal Bible relaxed slightly more. And Don thought, that maybe, just maybe, the man was here to stay.

A shiver ran through Don as he felt a hot breath against his neck. Their bodies touched from head to toe, but it was nothing compared to the feeling when Bible leaned forward and let his lips brush his skin lightly.

“Are you awake?” the man murmured sounding still half asleep.

Don loved that drowsy state Bible was after sleeping through the whole night. It was rare, too rare, with the nightmares and all, but these were Don’s favorite moments. It was almost like the other man forgot to be sad and tired when the wakefulness hadn’t kicked right in.

“Am now”, Don answered, but buried his head back to the pillow.

“You don’t sound like it.”

“Watch who is talking.”

Bible sighed and hesitantly sat up.

“We really should get up. Norman is gonna wake up every minute now.”

Don let the pillow swallow his grunt. He was fairly certain that the boy had it figured out. He didn’t say anything, he never did, but apparently Bible could see it all on his face.

“I know. But there is no point in rubbing it to his face”, the man said, almost too nonchalantly.

Don was left staring at Bible who had already managed to put all of his clothes on and was slipping through the open door.  
Maybe Bible was right. But Don didn’t find it himself anymore to care. It was all the same. His life was only darker and duller colors of grey these days. So what if someone didn’t approve. His life should already have ended. What were few stolen moments worth?

No, that was not a mindset that Don was willing to slip on. Bible deserved someone who could be a solid rock for him. He needed someone like that. What was Don for him if he couldn’t offer the man even that?

Blindly groping for his cigarette pack, Don managed to get up from the bed. Smoking upstairs meant that the scent of smoke would linger heavily in the bedroom for hours, but opening the window was not an option. For some reason, being around open windows had become a problem for him lately.  
It was stupid. Stupid, stupid, stupid. He didn’t have any problems before, so what was this now.

When one thing seemed to finally slot into place, two more fell apart.

Don focused on his cigarette, on its warmth against his fingers so as not to notice his hands trembling.  
These were the days that were the hardest. Everything seemed dull in color and it didn’t matter whether you lived or died, it was all the same. What made it even harder was that he didn’t know why one day could almost be good and then the other felt like this.  
It must be some kind of inborn fault in him. He already knew that there was something inside him, something dark and twisted that predated the war. It had only grown stronger there. But whatever it was, it had nothing to do with his love for Boyd.

“Don! You are gonna be late!” came a yell from the downstairs that could have belonged to either one of the men.

It took a while to sort his thoughts before he realised that he was supposed to meet with the shrink today.

“Oh, for fucks sake.”

* * *

 

The elderly man was looking him intently. They had been talking for a while now, or at least the shrink had been, but with every passing minute Don was feeling more restless as the shrink’s look grew more exasperated. The man had been more aggressive than before, trying to get him to talk about everything at once when it was always very unlikely that Don would open about anything.  
Finally, when they only had fifteen minutes left of their session, the shrink sighed deeply.

“Mister Collier. I am not going to lie to you. I am supposed to write a clean bill of mental health for you today.”

“What does it mean in practice?” Don asked suspiciously.

“Basically, it means that this is our last session.”

“But you don’t want to do that?”

“If I am totally honest with you, then the answer is no. But the state thinks that I have already prolonged your ‘evaluation’.”

The man frowned at the last word and Don couldn’t really blame him.  
Evaluation. Not a treatment. What a joke. Or maybe he was beyond any treatment.

“I don’t really see you fit for living in the society without further help. But I have no other choice than to declare just the opposite.”

The man fixed him with an intent stare, but Don didn’t let anything show. Not fit for living in the society. Not fit for living. It was two different things to doubt about it yourself than to hear it from a professional.

“I know that army pension isn’t much, but I would be ready to continue our appointments. We have already made progress, but it isn’t just enough. But I can’t force you to come here anymore.”

The words drifted around Don, but he couldn’t quite grasp them. He sensed the desperation in them, however. Something so familiar had no hope of escaping his notice.

“Mister Collier…?”

He wanted to refuse. Don couldn’t see any progress that they had allegedly made. And what was the point in torturing himself, then?  
But something just kept him from out right saying no. Maybe it was Bible, maybe it was Norman. It sure as hell wasn’t Don himself.

“I… I will think about it, it’s that alright?” he finally sighed.

The shrink hadn’t obviously waited even that. He flinched, just slightly, but enough that Don noticed. Even his mouth betrayed the older man, opening wordlessly.

“Sure. Take all the time you want. I assume you still have my office number?”

Don didn’t have time to answer when the man had already leaned back to dig into his work desk drawer. He passed Don a sleek card, stylish in all its simplicity.

“Well, take this just to be on the safe side.”

There, against the white background stood in black letters the phone number, and a name, Mr. Jones. Don stared at it for a moment. He honestly hadn’t realised that he had never cared to try and remember the name. Don had had these appointments well over months now. But still, if you had asked him his shrink’s name a few minutes ago, he couldn’t have told it. Not with certainty at least.

The shrink, Mr. Jones, was staring at him even more intently than before. But now there was more behind his eyes than feverish desperation. Something that Don couldn’t name.

Don glanced at the clock with an exaggerated manner and Jones’ smile faded away with a sigh.

“So, I will write your papers, but I truly hope that we will see each other again”, Jones said and stood up to shake hands with him.

Don nodded, but stayed silent. It was better to stay silent than give false promises.

* * *

 

“How are you feeling?” Bible asked as they sat around the living room table, coffee mugs in hand.

“What do you mean?” he asked back, sharply.

The other man squinted his eyes and Don moved uncomfortably in his chair. He had been back from the appointment well over hours now and the night was already closing around them, but he didn’t seem to be able to shake the feeling of emptiness off.  
Bible had been following him closely ever since he had stepped in. It was like the man could sense the desperation and depression seeping through him like a bloodhound scented its wounded prey.  
At moments like this, his shoulder ached more furiously than ever.

Norman was oblivious to the close inspection happening, humming softly a melody that sounded familiar.  
There was a sad tone to his humming and somehow it reminded him of Germany. Maybe it was that old apartment with the woman and the girl, what was her name?

“I got cleared”, Don admitted.

Norman’s humming stopped abruptly and his whole face lightened up with a genuine smile.

“That’s wonderful, Don.”

Don let out a noncommittal sound while Bible kept looking at him suspiciously. But Don wasn’t about to bring the boy’s hopes down. He hadn’t even lied. Only left something out. And Bible was more than sure to dig the truth out of him eventually.

“Yeah, that’s wonderful Don”, the man in question parroted.

Don sent a sharp glance in his direction, but Norman interrupted them with a small sound. As both of their eyes locked into Norman, he tried to control his smile by biting his lower lip.

“I was actually thinking… For a few days now. That I should already be on my way. Go back to home.”

Don turned slightly to Bible in surprise, but the other man was looking rather composed. Actually, he was looking straight at Norman with an expression that the man hadn’t directed to the boy since the war. Maybe not ever.

Don couldn’t turn his eyes away from the man. All his worry lines were straightened out and his face was radiating with so great warmth that you couldn’t miss it.

“Are you ready for it? It could be hard to go back and see all those people who continued on with their lives.”

Even his voice was smooth and gentle, like a mother addressing his children.  
If he could have seen something else than Bible at that moment, Don would have noticed that Norman was just as surprised as he was. And for a reason, really, but this was Bible they were talking about. Sure, the boy had seen him on his worst these past days, but nothing could mar Bible’s inner goodness. Not even Don.

“I am. I think I am. Yeah, I kinda am”, Norman stuttered and Bible laughed.

“You know that it isn’t me who you are supposed to convince.”

It was a gentle scolding, not even that, more like a push to the right direction. For once, Bible was looking right into Norman’s eyes and after a moment he nodded obviously satisfied with something.

“But you know what. I think you are ready for that. No need for you to stay behind with us.”

Norman cocked his head, plainly little taken aback by those last words, but Bible’s little smile was apparently enough to convince the boy that Bible was not trying to kick him out. And Don knew that even if Bible continuously fretted about Norman knowing about them, he still liked to have the kid around.

It wasn’t so much about Bible himself, it was more that Don was softer around the edges when the boy was around. And like Don loved to see Bible just when he woke up, Bible loved to see Don watching the one and only proof that he hadn’t failed everyone.  
Oh, he hadn’t managed to save Norman from war. But the boy wasn’t dead. It had to count for something.

“That’s great, Norman. Really great”, Don said.

They sat in silence for awhile, before Norman nodded more to himself than for the others.

“Yeah. There is a morning train tomorrow, I think I’m going to catch that.”

“You are leaving already tomorrow?” Don asked.

He would miss the boy. But this was right. Norman could get a chance in life and Bible would have his peace.  
But the boy misunderstood his words. He looked like he was already cancelling his plans.

“No, no. Go. Just make sure to keep in touch”, Don said and waved off his hand for a measure.

“Yeah, absolutely”, the boy agreed immediately.

Don nodded, satisfied when something crossed his mind.

“Norman, wait a minute. I have something I need to give to you”, Don said.

Both Bible and Norman turned to look at him, but Don had already stood up without further comment.

It took him a while to locate what he was looking for after getting to the upstairs. There were so many drawers in the master bedroom that Don hadn’t got to emptying yet, but his mother’s belongings were there just as neatly as he remembered. Don grazed her pearls laying on top of the other jewelry, but his eyes were already locked to the ring box that he had been looking for.  
Don picked it up and sat down on the bed. Carefully opening the lid, he found his mother’s engagement ring abandoned there, glistening in the dim light coming from the window. It was a simple golden band that didn’t have any rocks in it. But its surface was filled with delicate carvings that were almost impossible to see if you didn’t know what you were looking for.

Don closed the box and made his way back to the downstairs. He had almost expected to find the other men sitting in silence, but as he reached the hallway leading into the living room, he heard soft murmuring.

“What do you mean?” Bible asked in answer to the murmur.

“That verse you cited. I have one like that, too. Something that I like to think about. Actually, I have been thinking about it a lot lately.”

Norman’s voice was soft and just above a whisper. Don stopped in his tracks, not wanting to interrupt the two of them, but a complete silence landed in the room. Just as he was about to take those few more steps to the room, Bible broke the silence:  
“Can I ask what it is?”

Norman let out an agreeing noise, but stayed silent for a few more heartbeats.

“I didn’t know if I could speak about it to you. It didn’t feel right. But there is something I want you to know and I don’t think my own words are enough.”

Silence, again. Few more heartbeats, again.

“This verse… I think it goes something like this:  
‘Have fervent love for one another, for love covers a multitude of sins.’”

This time the silence was heavier, almost suffocating. Don could feel the awkwardness radiating from the room.

“’Above all things, being fervent in your love among yourselves. For love covereth a multitude of sins’. First Epistle of Peter, chapter four”, Bible corrected, breaking the silence effectively.

“Ah, that’s it. I think it’s beautiful”, Norman said and Don could sense him waiting for an answer even though he couldn’t see the boy.

But Bible said nothing and Don grew more nervous with every second passing in silence.

“I also think that you should try to remember it. We cannot choose who we love, but we should always embrace it”, Norman continued, his voice mimicking Bible’s gentle tone from earlier, almost mocking in its sincerity, but then again no.

Bible stayed silent, eerily silent. The chair screeched against the floor as someone got up hastily. Few steps were taken before a voice, Norman’s voice, stopped them:  
“I know it's not my business, but I just wanted to say… Don’t stand in the way of your own happiness.”

Then the sound of footsteps was back and Bible hurried past Don, not sparing him even a glance.

Feeling bad for having eavesdropped in such an intimate conversation, Don waited a little bit longer before he felt comfortable stepping into the room again. Norman was staring at his hands that were twitching nervously on his lap.  
He looked weary, so much older than he was. And so much younger at the same time.

“Hi”, Don said, not elaborating, just getting his attention.

Either his voice or his face gave him away, but Norman realised immediately that he had heard everything. The boy sighed deeply and raised his hands to his eyes to rub them.

“I hope I didn’t ruin anything.”

“I doubt that. Bible is… Bible. Sometimes he sees everything in black and white. But eventually all those lines will dull.”

That was actually how Don himself saw things, but it couldn’t be very different to Bible.

“I just wanted him to stop worrying about me. I’m not going to tell anyone.”

The boy was staring him intently in the eye, like he could convince him this way. Don only nodded, he knew all that already.

“You are a good kid, Norman.”

The boy furrowed his brows when he heard the word kid, but didn’t argue. Don let his gaze wander away from Norman’s face, staring the empty space above his left shoulder.

“It’s difficult. For both of us, for different reasons. It’s funny really. He was so sure first, like this was meant to be. I, on the other hand, was so sure that this was doomed. Then… I doubted too much and now he doesn’t trust us to last.”

Don let his voice fade away as he tried to make sense of his jumbled thoughts.  
When he shifted his eyes back to Norman, the boy was watching him carefully. He used to wear his heart on his sleeve, but now his look didn’t reveal anything. Slowly, he chose his words, like everything was depending on them.

“I don’t think it’s like that. I think he is just scared. You have both been through so much and your situation… You know. Not everyone is going to understand.”

Norman looked nervous, but his words were delivered in a steady tone. Don hummed in agreement, lost in thought before he remembered that he was still holding onto the ring box.  
He placed the box on the table and slid it closer to Norman. The boy raised his brows in question, but reached for the simple box anyway. Norman weighed it in his hand, but didn’t open it.

“What is this?”

“I want you to have it. I have no use for it, but it shouldn’t be forgotten in some drawer”, Don answered and shrugged his shoulders.

Norman’s forehead crunched in confusion as he opened the box.

“Is this…?”

“My mother’s wedding ring.”

“I cannot take this!” Norman exclaimed, and pushed the box back towards Don.

Don let out a small laugh at the horrified expression on Norman’s face. He slid it again towards Norman as he stood up and said:  
“Don’t be a fool. Go find yourself a nice girl to marry, Norman.”

Don turned around to leave, but the screeching of a chair stopped him on his tracks. As Don turned to face the boy, he really didn’t expect him to hug him. But there he was, Norman, wrapping his arms around Don’s body. The hug was loose and Don could have broken it any time if he had wanted.

“Thank you”, Norman said and loosened his hold even more when Don failed to react.

Don raised his hand slowly and let it wrap itself around Norman’s shoulders. Failing to find words, he only nodded before pushing Norman to an arm’s length.

“Stay safe. Come visit sometime.”

With that Don left the boy standing in the living room, still clutching the ring box in his hand as Don headed to the upstairs. He had said his fair share of goodbyes already and he didn’t want to make that list any longer. It was more than likely that the boy would already be gone with the early morning train when Don woke up and that was perfectly fine with him.

The door to the master bedroom was slightly open and Don took it as a sign of welcome. Bible was standing near the window, watching the street stretching below them. The man stiffened when Don entered and closed the door, but didn’t acknowledge Don’s presence in any other way.  
With a wary glance to the window, Don closed the distance between the two men and let his hand settle on Bible’s hip. Bible sighed barely audibly, Don felt it more than heard it, and leaned against his body. Don tightened his hold automatically and lowered his head to rest on top of Bible’s shoulder.

“You left something out earlier, didn’t you?” the man asked softly and Don could bet his life that he was enjoying the soft breeze coming from outside with his eyes closed.

It was stupid and dangerous to leave yourself so open for anyone to see. He should steer them farther away from the window, but Don didn’t find it in himself to move them. Instead, he settled for sweeping the street for potential threats. Were the threats a glimpse of gun metal or disapproving glances he was searching, he didn’t know, but the street was dark and empty either way.

“I don’t know what you are talking about”, Don replied.

He had a fleeing desire to snuggle his nose against the other man’s neck, but it was gone as quickly as it had appeared. Instead of it, Don wrapped his other arm around the man as well and leaned more heavily on him.

“About the shrink. Did he really write you off?” Bible asked.

“Yes”, Don started, intending to leave his explanation at that, but continued, “Well, they demanded it. But he would want me to continue seeing him.”

Bible stayed silent for a moment, clearly letting Don’s words to sink. He didn’t question who the “they” were, but maybe he already knew.

“Are you going to?” he inquired quietly.

Don moistened his lips and loosened his arms around the warm body in front of him.

“I’m not sure.”

“I doubt you will have to be”, Bible answered immediately.

Don hummed in agreement as Bible spun around in his hold. He was once again under Bible’s watchful eye, but he didn’t mind it so much when they were alone like this. He could be weak, if only momentarily, and the man would catch him, stop his falling.

Don released the man so he could reach for his cigarette pack. Bible stepped back to give him his space but stayed close enough that Don could feel his words in the air around him as he asked:  
“Norman is leaving?”

Don fumbled the pack open and shook one cigarette to his palm.

“Yes. Early on the morning.”

“Mm. You said your goodbyes yet?”

Don took his time lighting the cigarette and even took a drag of it, before he finally nodded. Bible waited patiently, eyeing him the whole time.

“So much as I could”, he finally said as he turned around and made his way to the bed so that he could slump down to sit on it.

Bible stayed rooted to the spot, watching him, always watching him.

“What does it mean for us?” he asked quietly.

Don stared at the man for a moment, furrowing his brows. Bible really couldn’t believe, not after everything that Don had heard Norman say to him, that he was going be a trouble for them.

“He is not gonna say anything about us”, he offered, but Bible was already shaking his head in a silent no.

Don felt his forehead creasing even more, but stayed silent and raised the cigarette back to his lips. A too deep inhalation and the smoke burned his throat harshly. The cough didn’t get out, but Don let his hand lower.

“I’m not talking about that. I’m talking about us. Only us. What are we going to do?” Bible asked, sighing as he joined Don and sat next to him, thigh to thigh.

“Try?” Don offered, twisting his torso slightly so that he could face the other man.

Bible let out a small laugh at that and for once, for once, the smile reached his eyes.

“Just try? That’s our long term plan?”

“I think it could work. I got no better plan to offer for you.”

Bible eyed him for a moment before snatching the cigarette from his hands, even though it was already almost completely burnt out. The man switched his position on the bed so that he could lean fully on Don, almost laying on his lap as he raised the cigarette to his lips.

“You know what? I think I like that.”

Don shifted his focus on Boyd’s face, but his eyes were closed, face smooth from all its usual lines and mouth hanging slightly open where the cigarette was dangling from his lips carelessly.  
Don took it gently from him and dumped it on the floor, not caring for the slightest bit about the stain it would no doubt left on the floor. The ash tray was too far away to consider moving when he got the man on his lap like this, eyes still closed.

“Stay with me?” Don whispered and the smallest hint of a smile appeared on Boyd’s face.

Boyd blinked his eyes open, already slightly unfocused, but that could be the light making its tricks.

“ _Forever_ ,” he breathed.

Don moved, just a bit, so that Boyd slid into his lap completely. He kept their eye contact unbroken as he lowered himself and let their lips brush against each other as he repeated, mumbling, as his eyes fell closed:  
“ _Forever_.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> “I was running on an empty heart  
> Not a trace of gasoline  
> Trying to dim every single spark  
> That could hurt, that could burn all of me  
> Like a soldier on a battle ground  
> Lying wounded on the field  
> I was fighting along with the broken sword  
> Now I'm caught in a war with no shield
> 
> If you hold me now  
> And leave me never  
> Say you'll stay with me forever  
> Then I surrender, surrender”
> 
> \- Cash Cash


	14. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay. Here it finally is, the epilogue. Only few months late, but life is hard sometimes.  
> I just gotta say, that this has been a wild ride. Especially this last chapter. I had it almost written before summer and then I realised I hated it. So, I made up my mind to write it wholly anew and made some drastic changes. But then came the summer and blah blah.  
> But two weeks ago I started writing again (thanks to a lovely comment) and now I have about 2000 words more than I was supposed to have in this. Oops.  
> And here I am, sitting at my computer at 2 A.M. and rambling. Seriously, just skip this and go read the story!
> 
> P.S. Thanks to all of you who have commented and left kudos! I have had some seriously loyal readers, that's amazing! This wouldn't be half as long without you. You rock !

* * *

 

**Chicago, 1957**

Chicago’s sky was as grey as the grave in front of him. Don shivered in the cold wind, feeling the empty space next to him clearer than ever. Don tried to avert his eyes from the lonely grave, but he just couldn’t. It stood there alone, little crooked, without any fancy engravings on it. There had at some point been flowers here, but not  
The graveyard itself was much the same. And why would it be any different? It was a place for the forgotten, this even more than the others, considering who they buried here. All forgotten, no matter what they had done.

The cold air was seeping through his jacket, making his shoulder ache. It was almost like nothing had ever happened to it, on the good days. On the bad days… Don could feel every wrong done to it and some more.  
The back was even worse. The skin felt way too tight or entirely numb. Any touch to it felt almost always wrong. Almost always. Now he really could have used that special touch on his lower back, resting there gently.

Soft footsteps made Don turn around to see a young man approaching him with a little smile on his lips.

“Don! It’s so good to see you.”

Norman wasn’t anymore that baby faced boy who didn’t even need to shave. Now there was the barest hint of a five o’clock shadow on his face. But while his facial features had sharpened, the look on his eyes had softened. They didn’t have that paranoid glint in them anymore. Or at least, not very often.

“It hadn’t been that long”, Don said, but answered to the other man’s hug with a pat on the shoulder.

“Wait until you see Em. She has grown so much since you last saw her.”

Norman’s smile widened even more and Don could understand why. Little Em was the most beautiful little girl that Don had ever seen and she no doubt had his father’s golden but stubborn heart.

“Where is she?” Don wondered.

“Oh, she wanted to have ice cream.”

“In this weather?”

“Well, it’s Chicago. The weather is always either grey or windy or both. And you know who can’t say no to her”, Norman reminded.

Don snorted. That little princess had all of them wrapped around her little finger. Only Mrs. Ellison could say no to those puppy eyes, and even she struggled.

Norman’s smile faltered as he turned to face the grave.

“You like living here in Chicago?” Don asked as the silence became too much for him to bear.

“Yeah. Mary missed her family and now Em gets to see her grandparents more. And you know… It’s been a while since Pittsburgh felt like home to me”, Norman shrugged.

They stood silent once more, staring at the grave, which could have been theirs. Could have been, but wasn’t. There was a big difference there, Don reminded himself silently.

“Put me down down down! My ice cream is going to drop!”

A giddy laughter made both of them turn in unison and all the shadows disappeared from Norman’s face. In an instant he was heading towards the man with a young, blond girl wriggling in his arms.

“Stop squirreling around or your ice cream is not going to be the only thing dropping”, the man warned.

The girl frowned heavily, before nodding so fervently that her curls bounced around her shoulders. Norman laughed and the girl instantly managed to snake her way out of the other man’s arms after noticing Norman.

“Daddy!” the girl shrieked and ran to his father’s embrace.

Don took his time to appreciate the sight, before walking across the gloomy graveyard. As soon as he left the shadows, the man was by his side.

“Everything alright?” he murmured.

“Yes. Everything is alright. I just needed a moment”, Don answered.

The thank you was left unsaid, but Don was sure that Boyd caught it anyway. It had been so long and through many mistakes they had eventually learned when the other one needed his space. Or a shoulder to cry on. Even though Boyd had always seemed to sense it, no matter who it came to, and not at least to Don.

“I know. The first time is always the hardest”, Boyd said letting his eyes drift back where Don had come from.

The man let his hand rest on Don’s lower back, light and gentle as always. But no matter how long it had been, Don always shied away from the touch in public. It was a survival instinct, even when there was nobody to see it.  
So Don would startle and Boyd would not comment on it, just keep his hand on place.

“Uncle Don!”

Even before the girl had finished saying his name she had wrapped herself around his legs. Somewhere along the way Don had tried to tell the girl that he wasn’t her uncle, but it had soon turned out to be in vain. So he just ignored it and crouched.

“Hi, Em.”

The girl smiled even wider before she conjured an innocent, sad smile to her face.

“My legs are tired. Piggy back ride?” she asked.

Don frowned. He was not a natural with kids, not by any standards. But at least with Em he tried. And he didn’t know how in the hell to say no to those eyes. Don tried to seek help from Norman, but his attention was already in a petite woman who was walking towards them with a swing of her hips.

“Are you sure you aren’t able to walk by yourself?” Don asked carefully.

“But my legs hurt”, the girl said, her lower lip already trembling ominously.

Don could feel the air shift as Boyd crouched next to them both keeping his touch light on Don’s back.

“What would you say if I would give you a piggyback ride?” he asked gently.

The girl nodded enthusiastically and circled behind Boyd in an instant. After a few tries, she was safely wrapped around Boyd’s body and they rose carefully, with Don offering a steadying arm to Boyd.

“Let’s go to see your mama”, Boyd said and Em giggled as she kicked his ribs like she was riding a horse.

“And you are coming too”, Boyd said before Don could disappear from sight.

Don frowned, but followed along. He didn’t necessarily hate Mrs. Ellison. He just didn’t like her either. She stared too long, too deeply through the façade. But she was good to Norman. He seemed alive next to her, every single time. He couldn’t say same even about Boyd and himself.

As they came closer to the now talking pair, Em buried her head against Boyd’s shoulder, like she was trying to hide herself. But there was no hiding that curly blond hair. Catching on, Mrs. Ellison let out a silent laugh, before greeting Boyd warmly. For Don, she offered only a curt nod.

“Where did you gentlemen lose my darling daughter?” she asked.

Immediately there were a giddy laughter, partly muffled by Boyd’s shirt, but still audible in the quiet graveyard.

“What was that I hear?” Mrs. Ellison asked and circled Boyd to grasp her daughter into her arms.

“Mama, no! That tickles!”

“It is supposed to do so”, the woman laughed and reclaimed her place beside Norman.

Norman smiled at his family and Don felt awkward standing here with them. They were a happy family. A far cry from him, even from Boyd.

“We really should have brought Gordo whiskey”, Don muttered.

Boyd turned to him, an amused smile on his lips.

“And pour it on his grave? I never took you for such a cliché.”  
  
Don shrugged his shoulders but didn’t answer. Norman was already hugging his girls tightly, obviously not wanting to leave them. But they had to go, their next stop was over 600 miles from Chicago and this was not a neighborhood where you wanted to stay.  
You couldn’t have found a white WWII soldier on that graveyard even if you tried. There were other sites and memorials for them.

He would have liked all of his men in the same place. The crew of Fury had been together so long, it should have continued even after death. With a few exceptions.  
And it would have made this so much easier. It had already been 12 years. 12 years and Don hadn’t laid a foot near his men’s last resting places. Before this day. He was fairly certain that Norman had been at least here, if not in Arkansas, and absolutely certain that Boyd visited every single one of them.

It was always the same, every year as the spring came. Boyd would try to coax him to come with him and Don would outright refuse every time. He would give him a disapproving look, but not say anything. A light press of lips on his forehead the next morning before Don woke and achingly empty space on their bed, their house for a few days before he would come back. 

This year he hadn’t let Boyd a chance to even suggest it. It was time. He had stretched it for too long, stretched himself for too long. If he was ever gonna do it, now was the time.  
It was time to finally let go. Of what, he wasn’t really sure.

“You coming?” Boyd asked, brushing his hand against Don’s almost like wanting to grab it, but thinking better of it.

Don blinked, following Boyd almost automatically. Norman was still crouching in front of his little girl, whispering:  
“Take good care of your mother, Em. You hear me?”

“Are you going to be away for long?” the girl asked, with an almost unheard voice.

“No, just for a couple of days. You’ll be good, Emma, you’ll be good.”

Emma draped his arms around Norman’s neck briefly before latching to her mother’s lap. Mrs. Ellison leaned to give Norman a kiss to the cheek.

Don averted his eyes, but could not help hearing:  
“Come home soon, darling.”

 

**Arkansas, 2 days later**

Boyd, who had been able to remain calm and soothing presence for both Don and Norman in Chicago, had been silent ever since they had crossed the border of Arkansas. Don hated it. He absolutely hated it.  
If Boyd couldn’t be strong, Don would have to. But how could he, when he was the one on this journey for the first time?  
And no matter what, one of them had to be strong when the other one could not be. It was an unspoken deal between them. They could not afford to be broken at the same time. Otherwise, there would be no one left to pick up the pieces.

Don was jerked out of his thoughts when Norman pulled to an abrupt stop. The kid took a quick look on the rear-view mirror.

“We are here”, he announced, worry tinting his voice audibly.

Boyd registered his words immediately like he had never stopped listening to them. Maybe he hadn’t. Maybe he didn’t just have any words for them before now.

“I think I am going to sit for awhile still. You go ahead, I will catch up.”

Norman looked relieved to hear him speaking and didn’t need to be told twice to get out of the car that had grown oppressive in its mood. But Don had been living with the man for 12 years now. He couldn’t see the signs of an inner turmoil, he never could, but he knew what this was about.

“You okay?” he asked quietly.

“Yeah, I just… Need to…”

Don waited for a moment, but Boyd didn’t seem to find the right words.

“See him alone?” he offered, to which Boyd only nodded curtly.

Don watched him for a fleeting moment, but the man didn’t meet his eyes.

“I understand”, he said and left Boyd in the car.

The worst was that he really did understand. If you wanted to survive in war, you needed a crew that worked together seamlessly. And maybe the most important relationship was that between the gunner and his loader. Boyd and Grady had been one of the best pairs, no doubt. You couldn’t have that kind of functionality without perfect understanding.  
So, Don understood, yes. But it did nothing to stop his heart twisting in jealousy. It was stupid, Don chastised himself and wandered towards Norman who was already standing next to a big headstone.

It was stupid to be jealous of a dead man. But he was. He really was. It wasn’t like Don thought that there had been something more between them. He knew there hadn’t.  
But they had shared a bond. Something Don would never understand. It was more than just trusting your own life in the hands of the other. More like trusting the lives of the whole crew in the hands of the other.  
Grady had seemed to be able to read Boyd like he was an open book. Don couldn’t. Boyd was an eternal enigma to him. He never got close enough, no matter how many times they were physically as close as it was for two humans possible.

If the grip of jealousy was easing on his heart, a sharp knife of quilt took its place. Here he was, standing in front of a cold grave, jealous of its resident and he couldn’t even understand why. Boyd had already given him everything and more.

He fidgeted nervously, not able to fix his gaze on the name on the stone. Like on their own, his fingers found the cigarette pack and he lighted one up without even realising it.

“Do you mind?” he asked as he noticed Norman giving him a sideways glance.

The kid had never taken upon smoking, which was a small miracle on it. But Norman only shook his head and kept his eyes straight ahead.

They didn’t speak anything, just kept watching and remembering. A light breeze seized the smoke in the air and twisted its form before carrying it away. It wasn’t nearly as chilly as wind in Chicago.

When the cigarette threatened to burn his fingers, Don squared his shoulders and with one last look turned to walk away. He knew already that this was probably the last time he was going to come back here.  
Norman followed him silently. When they made their way to the car, Boyd slipped past them without a word. Don let his gaze follow the man who placed his hand gently on top of the rough-edged stone.  
It must feel cold, Don wondered absent-minded and sat down, shutting the car’s door behind him.

They sat in silence for what felt like hours, but Boyd didn’t seem to be moving anywhere. Norman tapped his fingers occasionally against the wheel.  
When Don was sure that it had been at least an hour, he opened the door.

“I’m going to go check on him.”

Norman stared at him before opening his mouth:

“You sure? Maybe he just needs a little bit more time.”

Don let out a small smile.

“We all need just a little more time, all the time. But only the dead have the luxury of time.”

The path amongst the other headstones felt longer this time now that Don truly wanted to reach his destination.  
The grass was slippery as Don pushed forward. It must have rained at some point. When he finally reached the other man, he didn’t know what to say, what to do. Hardly a new feeling even after all these years.  
In the end, Don took the last two steps to be beside Boyd and waited for him to notice him.

“It never gets easier”, Boyd finally said, his voice a broken whisper.

Don hummed noncommittally, waiting. The silence stretched, before Boyd sneered.

“He was the most annoying man I have ever met. And that’s saying a lot, since I decided to spend my life with you.”

He stood up and glanced at Don like trying to coax him to say something, anything. Don only raised one of his brows in disbelief.

“But he wasn’t a bad man”, Boyd continued gently.

Don waited a heartbeat, and another before answering:

“No, he wasn’t. He was just scared, like all of us. And you saw through it better than any of us.”

Boyd nodded absent-mindedly and ran his hands on his trousers to shake off the dirt. He still didn’t turn away from the grave, but kept staring at it intently, like it held all the answers to life.

Gently, Don took Boyd’s hand in his own and linked their fingers together. He leaned in close so that his lips were hovering near the other man’s ear.

“Are you ready to go? We still need to find a motel for the night.”

Boyd nodded again, but Don could feel him sigh and lean just slightly against him. For a moment, they stayed like that, but finally Boyd squeezed his hand tighter and let himself be walked to the car.

Norman was so very pointedly not looking at their joined hands that Don almost smiled. Maybe Don wasn’t comfortable with public affection, he wasn’t stupid after all, but there was nobody here besides them.  
And this wonderful, broken man needed him. Far less than Don needed him, so he sure as hell would be there whenever he could.

 

**The border of Arkansas, Few hours later**

They had let Norman take the car. They had only one stop left and it was only for the two of them to make. That stop would have to wait for tomorrow, though.

They hadn’t wanted to drive through the night with the rental car so they had ended up in a small motel. It wasn’t much, but they didn’t need anything more.  
A single room with two single beds was more than enough for them. After pushing the beds together, they just lay there.

Don didn’t remember when he had last felt so tired that it threatened to consume him fully. Boyd didn’t look any better for the wear.

“Couldn’t we stay here for a little longer?” Boyd whispered suddenly, so quiet that Don wasn’t sure if it was meant for him to hear.

“Here?”

“Here. In this hotel room.”

”In this sleazy room that doesn’t even have proper beds? I have slept better on bare ground. Why would you want to stay here?” Don asked and turned to his side, resting his head on the pillow that had seen better days.

Boyd was silent for a moment, before he rubbed his eyes.

“I’m exhausted.”

Don waited, but Boyd only closed his already half-lidded eyes. Don searched for the other man’s hand and let his thumb slowly rub circles to his skin.

“I know. That is why I want to go home. It’s so easy to forget there.”

Don had sold his parent’s house several years ago, never feeling quite home there. It was plagued with too many nightmares from the months following his homecoming.  
They had moved to a more remote place, out of the town and its suburbs. The nightmares hadn’t stopped, probably never would, but it didn’t matter. It still felt more home than that house had felt even before the war.

“I don’t think I have ever heard you call it a home”, Bible said, his eyes still closed as his lips formed into a tiny smile.

It was tiny, but it was still there. Before Don answered, he wrapped his arms around Boyd’s still clothed middle body and the man laid his hand down on Don’s upper-back. Nuzzling against the bare skin on his neck, Don muttered against his skin:  
“It is. You made it a home.”

Don could feel the other man’s grip tighten and he would have bet anything that the other man had opened up his eyes. It didn’t take long before he hauled Don up so that they were at eye-level. Boyd’s expression was open, but searching.

“I…” Boyd started, but couldn’t finish before he was already kissing Don.

It was a gentle kiss, though a little sharp-edged, only a step away from desperate. Like always with them.

The hungry movements of their lips were enough first. Soon, though, Don grabbed Boyd’s shirt and hauled it off from the man as Boyd helped him off of Don’s trousers. It was easy, coordinated, nothing that they would have to think about. Something that one could only manage after years of being together.

Immediately after all their clothes were shed, they pressed closer, skin to skin, their lips retreating and foreheads meeting. Boyd raised his hand and caressed the scarred skin on Don’s back as Don’s eyes fluttered shut. Boyd’s fingers followed the uneven path from the shoulder blades to hips, taking their time.  
It had become a ritual of some sort, in some point. He never looked at Don’s back when they were like this, only felt it with his hands. The other man was oddly fixated with it. Boyd had once said that he could never remember every curve and bulge of scars. Don didn’t mind, either of those things.  
There were still nights that Don couldn’t take the touch. It burned too much, or felt ice cold. Usually, Boyd himself felt his mood from the first touch and didn’t touch him anywhere near his back for a few days. Sometimes he didn’t notice it. Those times ended up in fights more times than not.  
At this moment the touch felt soothing. As the fingers splayed across Don’s lower back, halting in their constant movement, Don raised his jaw to find Boyd’s lips to his own.

The second kiss carried all the gentleness and desperation from the first kiss, but also a sense of belonging and pure need.  
Don opened his mouth just a bit to grant Boyd a bit more room to explore. His hand was again hovering on his skin, but now with less purpose, the path of his fingers distracted.  
Don weaved his own fingers into Boyd’s hair, tugging a little. A content sigh escaped both of their lips almost at the same time, disrupting their kiss. Don could feel Boyd’s lips forming a smile, but it was Don who let a laugh fall from his lips.  
It echoed in the nearly empty motel room and deepened Boyd’s smile further.

“It’s your turn”, he whispered and flipped to his back, hauling Don on top of him.

It wasn’t like they were seriously taking turns; they went with what felt good. But if they were taking turns, it would definitely not have been Don’s turn. But he didn’t comment on it, just allowed his hand to slide to Boyd’s inner thigh.

Don took his time preparing the man, mindful of the thin walls around them. As his fingers moved inside the other man, Don lowered his mouth to trail kisses and bites to his lower stomach. Boyd sighed and relaxed against the mattress, his muscles occasionally tensing in pleasure.

Don stared at Boyd’s closed eyes as he added another finger. The man looked amazing with a sheen of sweat on his forehead, one curl of hair glued to his skin, mouth slightly open as puffs of air escaped his lips.  
It never ceased to amaze Don that he would have been happy only to keep on looking at the man like this. He looked… Beautiful.

Don raised his hand and caressed Boyd’s cheek. The light touch caused Boyd's eyes to flutter open. For a moment, they only stared at each other. Then Boyd opened his mouth and started:  
“Let me…”

His voice was hoarse, barely above a whisper. He didn’t finish either. Instead, he flipped their positions, causing Don’s fingers to slide away.

“What are you…?” Don started, but the other man hushed him and lowered himself, so that he could close his lips around Don.

Surprise taking the better of him, Don couldn’t help his gasp. His thoughts short-circuited, all he could feel was the overwhelming warmth and wetness surrounding him. Almost embarrassingly short time after, Don’s fingers already tightened around the sheets desperately.  
And then it was gone, just as quickly as it had come. Boyd pressed a wet, sloppy kiss on his inner thigh and raised himself back up.

Don narrowed his eyes at the man accusingly, but he smiled and flopped back to his back pulling Don with him.

“We really shouldn’t waste all your hard work”, he hummed.

Without further preamble, Don took hold of Boyd’s right leg as he finally pushed in. He swallowed a soft whimper from Boyd’s lips as a full-body shiver ran through the man. Don could feel the nails sinking into his neck.

“Don…” Boyd murmured, not even seeming to notice that he had said something.

Don buried his face against the crook of Boyd’s neck. A gentle nip of teeth made the man gasp and squirm. Encouraged, Don picked up his pace, enjoying their bodies sliding against each other.  
Don’s hand wrapped around Boyd and not long after that, he could feel Boyd clenching around him and Don’s own muscles tightened involuntarily.

Trying to prolong the feeling, Don slowed down right before he reached the edge. The slower the tempo, the more every touch and sensation intensified, postponing the inevitable release.  
Boyd ran his hands along Don’s sides fervently, murmuring something that Don couldn’t grasp the meaning of.

Don was so close that it was hard to keep the rhythm at times. Don allowed his damp hand fall idle and focused on moving inside Boyd. The man didn’t seem to mind if the little gasps from his mouth were any indicator. Replacing Don’s hand with his own, Boyd was the first to reach the edge. Don was close to follow, only a few slow more pushes.

As Don’s body went rigid and then lax in a matter of seconds, the man dragged him closer, locking their lips together. It made it almost impossible to move, but the tremors wrecking both of their bodies deepened the pleasure even more.  
Don pulled out slowly, collapsing next to Boyd who draped the sheets around their naked bodies. He was still breathing a little hard, just as Don was himself, and there were clear teeth marks on his lower lip.

They were never particularly loud, but Boyd had obviously bitten down on his lip to stay silent. A sad undertone painted Don’s endorphin rush. He didn’t say anything, only laid his lips on Boyd’s on a gentle kiss, more of a brush of lips than anything else.  
The man wrapped his hands around Don’s waist and laid his head on Don’s collarbone already half asleep. Don’s fingers found their way to Boyd’s slightly sweaty hair where he pushed them away from the man’s face.  
Listening to the twin beats of their hearts, already calming down, Don let himself drift to sleep in the arms of the man he loved.

 

**A day later, Somewhere in South**

Don stared at the grave in front of them and felt nothing. Absolutely nothing. This was not how it was supposed to end, wasn’t it?  
It felt worse than the sadness and guiltiness at Gordo’s grave. It felt even worse than the all-encompassing jealousy at Grady’s grave. He should have felt something, right?

Maybe he was too spent, all his feelings already carved out and crumpled to pieces. Don spared a glance to Boyd, whose face was looking as empty of emotions as Don was feeling at first glance. But there were small signs.  
A tick on his jaw, the hard set of his shoulders and the skin on his knuckles slightly whiter than normal. Don shifted his gaze back to the headstone.

Red was the first to go. They had been together since Africa. No crew had stayed together like that. It was a long time for a one man to survive, not to mention a whole tank crew.  
It had been inevitable, really. Someone had to be the first. But it was just cruel that after that first death, it seemed like they were all falling like flies.  
It would have been easier if the men around him would have passed as faceless figures, but no. Somehow, they had all managed to cling to their miserable lives, and to each other, for months turned to years. And then it had all fallen apart.

They had replaced Red with Norman. That had been just plain desperate. The kid had been barely eighteen, no experience whatsoever.  
It was a miracle that the kid survived. Though, it was a miracle that any one of them survived. Don had been ready to die that day, there had been no other possible outcome. And yet, here he was.  
He was here, and the others were buried six feet under. Well, not all of them.

Turning back to Boyd, he could see the other man already watching him. Always watching, searching for something that Don hoped to God Boyd would find in him, if he hadn’t yet.

“Are you ready to go?” Don asked, hoping that he wasn’t rushing him.

But the man smiled. It was a tired smile, but a smile nonetheless.

“Yes. Let’s go home.”

He offered Don a hand, which Don took after a moment of hesitation. Boyd’s fingers curled around Don’s as he led them back to the car.

Don took the driver’s seat. Boyd sat down on the other side of the car silent, looking in the distance. Don started the car and turned its head back to home.  
As Boyd was watching outside from the window, Don let the last days catch up with him. It felt surreal, like he had been watching someone else these past days. Just thinking about it all made his grip on the steering wheel tighten.

“I am not coming back”, Don said, more of a whisper than he would have liked.

“I know”, Boyd answered, even though only a moment ago, it seemed like he was all lost in his thoughts.

The man turned to face him, but Don kept his eyes on the road ahead.

“I’m sorry.”

“Don’t be. I’m glad that you came this time.”

Don glanced sideways at him. He was still looking at him, only truth glinting in his eyes. Making a split second decision, Don pulled over and stopped the car.

“It was the right thing to do”, Don said and shifted his gaze back to Boyd.

The man was expectantly looking at him, urging him to continue.

“And it felt right. Like maybe… Maybe there was a point to it. Why I survived.”

“Of course there was. God needs you still.”

There had been moments when Don was afraid that everything that had happened was going to crush Boyd. There had been moments when Don was sure Boyd had given up God.  
But he always found his way back.

“I need you still”, Boyd added and caught Don’s hand.

For the first time since they got to Red’s grave, Don could feel something stir inside him. Something warm, not entirely fuzzy, more like… Contentment.

Even if it was wrong, and he wasn’t so sure about that anymore, he loved this man. With all of his heart.  
And he was pretty sure that Boyd loved him too.

“Good”, Don said and raised Boyd’s hand to his lips.

* * *

 

Don is more surprised every year that he makes it. He was so sure that he would be gone already.  
And with every passing year, every passing year with Boyd, it feels like it could be possible. To have this life. Now and for years to come.

They are not perfect. Not alone, not together, not for each other.  
They don’t magically fit together like puzzle pieces. Their jagged edges will always tear the other’s skin. But it doesn’t matter.

Being alive hurts. Every single breath is meant to ache.  
What is the point of living otherwise?  
Hurting means being alive.

And they are. Alive, that is.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "And I'd give up forever to touch you  
> 'Cause I know that you feel me somehow  
> You're the closest to heaven that I'll ever be  
> And I don't want to go home right now  
> And all I can taste is this moment  
> And all I can breathe is your life  
> 'Cause sooner or later it's over  
> I just don't want to miss you tonight  
> And I don't want the world to see me  
> 'Cause I don't think that they'd understand  
> When everything's made to be broken  
> I just want you to know who I am"
> 
> \- Goo Goo Dolls; Iris


End file.
